Do You Think I'm Eccentric?

Pastor Boris stood behind the microphone in front of the big screen at the International Christian Centre on a Sunday morning. Magnus was sitting next to the computer which was on a table nearby.
"The computer won't start," said Magnus. Pastor Boris paced anxiously up and down.
"You have to start it Magnus, you have to. Can't you just reboot it?"
"I've rebooted it more than once."
"Hold down the on/off switch to reset it."
"I've reset it again, and it still won't work."
"But Magnus, without that computer I've got no idea what l'm preaching about."
"Didn't you prepare?" asked Stanley.
"I wrote a PowerPoint 3 weeks ago when I was told I was preaching this morning. You don't need to prepare when you've been a preacher for 40 years. That's as much preparation as I ever do. Preaching should be as easy as dreaming. Well, it is if I can see my notes. Colin, you do the preaching rota. What I am supposed to be preaching about?"
"John chapter 13 verses 33 to 38," said Colin.
"Has anybody got a Bible?"
"No," said Matthew. "We just look at the words on the screen."
"The screen is not there. The screen is not there anymore," said Pastor Boris, becoming rather agitated.
"I've got the Bible on my mobile phone," said Maria. "What was the passage again Colin?"
"John chapter 13. Just read verses 33 to 35."
"My children, I will be with you only a little longer. You will look for me, and just as I told the Jews, so I tell you now; where I am going you cannot come. A new command I give you, love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples as you love one another."
"Thank you Maria," said Pastor Boris. "Love one another as I have loved you. How did Jesus love the disciples? They lived together. If you try to love people you don't live with it's just going to be superficial, sentimental rubbish. Shallow relationships. Lay down your life for your friends. How can you lay down your life for people you only see once a week? If you meet Christians from other churches and they think they love each other, ask them where they live. Superficial. People from other churches don't even know each other. If they know each other's names they might like each other, feel fond of each other, but that's all sentimental. You can't have close relationships with other Christians unless you live in community."
"Maria, can you read verses 36 to 38," said Colin.
"Simon Peter asked him, 'Lord, where are you going?' Jesus replied,'Where I am going, you cannot follow now, but you will follow later.' Peter asked, 'Lord, why can't I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.' Then Jesus answered, 'Will you really lay down your life for me? I tell you the truth, before the cock crows, you will disown me 3 times!"
"Are you ready to lay your life down for Piddledon Farm? Are you ready to lay your life down for Weedon Reservoir Community Church? Or will you disown us? Some people have disowned us. Some people think we haven't got a clue about family life. Some people think we haven't got a clue about women. Some people say we have destroyed their families. One man blames us for the end of his marriage. Well, it's a sin to get divorced. So blame the church or blame me." Matthew was visibly trying to restrain himself from laughing out loud. "Matthew, what are you laughing at?"
"I think they're right." There were gasps of horror from the congregation. Pastor Boris stumbled away from the microphone. He took an inhaler from his pocket and used it. He hunted in his jacket pocket for a tiny tin foil tray of tablets and put one in his mouth. Pastor Boris composed himself for half a minute and came back to the microphone.
"They are the church's greatest liars. They have betrayed us. They are Judas Christians. Woe to those who betray Weedon Reservoir Community Church. They will wish they had never been born."

Matthew stood behind the microphone.
"Now it's time for the bread and wine," he said.
"Matthew, move away from the microphone," said Stanley. "You're not a leader in this church anymore." Matthew burst into tears.
"But I've wanted to be a church leader since I went to school in short trousers."
"Matthew, you're under church discipline because you argued with Pastor Boris. You're not even allowed to lead communion."

A few days later Matthew was sitting in the living room at the farm. It was Friday night. The church were having an open evening and had some visitors.
"I love being in this little room," said Tony. "We're much closer together."
"I hate this little room," said Matthew. "I can't eat anything without choking. I have to eat my dinner leaning back on the settee. I want to eat sat at a proper table."
"There aren't as many people here as there used to be."
"And you know, Tony, I've been thinking about why that is. I've been talking to the church's leaders, especially those who have been here for a long time. The problem is that the people we meet when we're doing evangelism are not necessarily right for community. We meet some really damaged people when we do evangelism. And then we think they can come and live with the families and children on the farm."
"There's nothing wrong with being eccentric," said Louisa, "you're very eccentric."
"But if you don't have people who are really suited to living in a house with families and young children, it can be bad for morale. A whole generation of young people might get up and walk out of the door. And another thing Tony, the Great Awakening that this church prophesied in the 1990s didn't happen."
"Another great awakening?" asked Tony. "When was this?"
"I know the meeting happened Tony. I've got it on tape."
"What's tape?" asked Jessica, who was 16.
"It was a way of recording sound," said Tony. "Before they had mobile phones." Jessica looked shocked.
"There was a time when they didn't have mobile phones?"
"And if you still don't believe me I've got Pastor Todd talking about it in 2001, the great revival that is coming on the land, on an old DVD."
"That's a plastic disc that they record pictures on," said Tony. "It's about the size of a big chocolate cookie and it goes around."
"Now you're just taking the mickey," said Jessica. "There was not a time when they didn't have mobile phones. How could society function? What would you do if your car broke down?"
"Get out of the car," said Tony, "and walk along the road until you can find a public phone."
"Rubbish," said Jessica.

Matthew was sitting in the kitchen with Gary when the visitors had all gone home.
"Gary, do you think l'm eccentric?" he asked. Gary burst out laughing. "Louisa said that I was very eccentric. Am I?"
"Matthew, Louisa is the most eccentric person in the world. She is flipping weird. If she thinks that you're eccentric, I really wouldn't worry."
"But Louisa is an authority on being eccentric, more than anyone she ought to know. Tell me Gary, am I just a little bit odd and sort of likeable or am I really, really weird?"
"We all have our weaknesses."
"Gary," Matthew said hitting the table with his fist, "tell me the truth."
"Matthew, you are very intelligent and that makes you difficult to understand. You also like to say things that are very controversial, you like to challenge things that other people believe and test them thoroughly. That makes you difficult to put up with. You've got a terrifying sense of humour and you're always falling in love. I never met anyone else who liked as many women as you do."
"That makes me feel absolutely wonderful. I'm everything I admire in a human being.  Intellectual, challenging, humorous and romantic."
"Well, that's why people find you difficult to get on with you."
"People find me challenging," said Matthew. "I am a very challenging person to get on with. I like to make people think."
"Yes Matthew, I certainly think that, more than anyone else, you make people think."

Sally was at work in her shop. An elderly man came in holding a mobile phone.
"Have you got any euthanasia? It's for the wife. She's got a hacking cough and she's been keeping me awake all night. She just needs euthanasia."
"Are you sure it's euthanasia you want, Mr Carrington?" asked Sally.
"Yes. I've got a picture of it on my mobile phone." Sally came up behind Mr. Carrington to have a look.
"Echinacea," said Sally. "The medicine is called echinacea, Mr Carrington, not euthanasia. Yes, we have a little bottle like that and it's £8.35." A middle aged woman came into the shop.
"Have you got anything for anxiety?" she asked.
"Yes we have," said Sally. She picked up a plastic bag full of green tablets. "These have been tested in laboratory trials and found to be as good as anti-depressants." She picked up a light brown cardboard box of tablets. "And so have these." Sally picked up a blue box of tablets. "These are very good for calming you down when you're relaxing at night but don't take them when you're at work. They make it difficult to concentrate." Sally picked up a black box with blue writing on the side. "These help you sleep."
"Is it a stressful job being a retail manager?" asked the woman. Sally put her hands over her face.
"Yes it is. I don't think I would ever been able to do it unless we sold all those herbal remedies."

Sally was having a party to celebrate Louisa's birthday at her flat. Matthew arrived.
"Matthew, this is a girl's night out," said Sally.
"You sent the WhatsApp message to everyone."
"I sent it to everyone in the group."
"I honestly didn't know. I thought we were all invited. It's Louisa's birthday."
"Well, nobody else thought that, Matthew."
"I drove for an hour to get here."
"It doesn't take an hour to get here," said Sally.
"It does when the motorway's flooded. I saw this huge puddle on the slip road. I flashed my indicator to warn the people behind me. I managed to get around it without causing an accident. I was so proud of my good driving. Then I looked up at the sign. I was on the wrong motorway. I had to go to the next roundabout, turn around and come back to find another slip road. That's why it took an hour to get here. I brought Louisa some chocolates because she bought me some chocolates at Christmas."
"Matthew, I bought you some chocolates at Christmas 5 years ago."
"We all know how much Matthew likes Louisa," said Amy. "Why do I never get any chocolates?"
"Or me," asked Anna. Matthew handed the chocolates to Louisa.
"I am not transgender," said Matthew.
"No one said you were," said Anna.
"I just want you to know that I did not come here because I think I should have been a girl or because I have been born in the wrong body."
"I don't think you're like that at all, Matthew," said Sally.
"Yes Sally, you're a feminine woman, very feminine, and I'm not like you. But if someone like that did come to your group, would you accept them? If someone who was born male came here wearing a pink cardigan, white jeans and a purple Parker, with long tied back hair, and said,'I've always thought of myself as a woman,' would you accept them?"
"I think we'll cross that bridge when we come to it," said Anna.

It was dinner time at the farm.
"Matthew, say grace," barked Colin.
"Thank you, Lord, for this lovely food and for the lovely sisters who made it. Help us to think about people in Africa who don't have any food. Amen."
"Does anybody want a cup of tea?" asked Anna.
"Yes," said Louisa. Anna went into the kitchen and came back with 2 cups of tea. "Could I have this table a little bit nearer so I can put my tea on it?" asked Louisa.
"Yes," said Anna, moving the table a small amount. Louisa and Anna both put their cups of tea on the table and sat on opposite sides. There was just enough room for each of them to reach their cup of tea.
"No, closer than that," said Louisa. They both lifted up the table and moved it back towards Louisa.
"But now I've got nowhere to put my tea," said Anna. She struggled for a while, craning to reach the cup of tea on the table from where she sat. Eventually, Anna took a beer mat and put it on the bookshelf beside her chair. Now she could reach her tea.

Panda and Pompom could smell chicken. The black and white cat and the snowy white long haired kitten came into the dining room while dinner was being served and pretended that they liked people. They might even have liked people but they didn't like them nearly as much as they liked chicken. People put little pieces of chicken on the floor and the animals looked at them with the same joy with which an end of the world preacher would look at several members of his family flying out of the windows to be with Jesus. That night Matthew and Stanley went to check on the animals' food dishes at the top of the stairs. They found tuna and cod scattered on the floor.
"The animals have discovered that the food we give them is absolute rubbish compared to what we eat ourselves," said Stanley. "They're throwing their food on the floor in protest."
"I'll go and find the left over chicken."
"Do indeed Matthew, that's the only thing they're ever going to eat now."

On Saturday night the sisters had made some sandwiches and left them on the kitchen bench for everyone's tea. At 6 o' clock everyone came in to see that the rats had eaten the sandwiches. There were half eaten bread buns and pieces of ham scattered about the kitchen floor. Malinda screamed as she saw a rat run to hide behind the cooker.
"I saw them last night," said Amy. "There were six of them. They had a big loaf of bread and they had dragged it under the sink. They all live under the fridge." Later that night, Magnus saw a rat nibbling a piece of ham that had been left on the kitchen floor after most of the mess had been cleared up. He hit it on the head with a frying pan, so violently that the pan bent in the middle. The rat was dead. Several days later there had been no further attacks by rats on the food.
"Well done Magnus," said Stanley. "You saved us from the rats, or at least the one rat that was still trapped in the house when the man from the council had blocked up all the holes."
"I feel terrible," said Magnus.
"Why?"
"I am a pacifist. All my life I have believed in a philosophy of non-violence. Violence is never successful. In the words of John Lennon, an eye for an eye makes everybody blind. Tell me Stanley, are there situations that are so desperate that there is no other way?"
"Perhaps there could be," said Stanley.
"I've always believed in passive resistance. Hide the people who are in danger. Hide the food from the rats. We tried that. It was really hard work and sometimes the rats got the food anyway. But now, just hit the rat on the head and kill it. Problem solved. Stanley, could the same thing happen during a war?"