Pitch - films that should never be made

Fever Pitch: "Films that should never be made"

incorporating "Pitch &; Putt: More films that should never be
made".

The Saber: Robin Hood style adventure in the ancient middle east

STORM IN MONGOLIA: Drama about US Family caught up in a Mongolian local
uprising

BEG ME SLOWLY: Three women raped by the same man (and kept it secret)
discover their common enemy and take revenge

DEMENTIA TOMORROW: Near future horror about the after effects of GM
foods

WHEN BUTTERFLIES SOARED: A woman lives in a fantasy world of the past
to escape the dull present

HELSINKI CRYING: The rise and fall of a local superstar

HITTING SESTON RHODES: Office drama about downsizing

I Walk the Slave: Eastern European sex industry drama

ROADBLOCK AND THE COIN: Truckers buddy movie.

PENNSYLVANIA BLEEDING: A club for serial killers starts a terror war in
the US state

Carry on Defecting: Cold war capers

Sing!: Wannabe musical stars write their own show when rejected from
Cats

CAMSEY AND THE FIST: Schoolboy comedy

THE SOUL OF INGHAM CLOCK: Small town community up in arms about the
demolition of a local land mark

Luck!: Haunted Casino comedy

Carry on Bulger: Another tasteless foray into Urban Legends

MACHINERY OF THE SNOWBOUND DESERT: Futuristic Sword&;Sorcery ala
Moorcock's Hawkmoon

THE RED LEATHER SECTION: Couple carry on an illicit affair in a library
reading room

Carry on Explicitly: Carry on meets Boogie Nights (less "meets" more
"clashes")

The Terminal Clones: Future horror, computer geeks rule, normal people
are hunted for sport

THE BIRTH OF GOODSALL WHITAKER: Rural horror about the end of the
world

DAGGER AND SONG: Sword and Sorcery musical

MARKET FORCE: Action adventure about vigilante barrow boys.

GAG!: Stand-up comic found dead in what appears to be S&;M accident,
turns into hunt for serial killer.

CARRY ON SHERGAR: Flogging a dead horse.

MEGASTORE: Computerised shop takes hostages

BACKGROUND NOISE: SF thriller about radio static.

STRIP!: Comic book fan hallucinates

BRIDGE!: Disaster movie

THE BERGSCHRUND INCIDENT: Alpine murder mystery

TIME GENTLEMEN PLEASE: Pub philosophy

THE GRAND OLD DUKE: The truth behind a local aristocrat leads,
slapstick comedy.

THE BURNING OF MAIMI LANGLAND: Music hall star now homeless

WELSH DRESSER: Portmanteau of Welsh tales told by typical Welsh
grandmother

OLD CHINA PLATES OF MEAT: Cockney musical

DISCONTINUED MEMORIES: Man wakes up on beach in Tahiti with no
memory

THE ENDLESS CONVERSATION: A man encounters a beggar on a park bench
whose conversation keeps coming back to haunt him. Supernatural
thriller.

BURNT OFFERINGS: Human sacrifice in bronze age Britain

TIME AND TIDE: The story of Canut

SERVICE NOT INCLUDED: Small cafe life

KNIFE EDGE: Gangland thriller

THE OLD MAN OF HOY: Old man and girl attempt to climb "Old Man" in
Scotland

SCRUM HALF: Youth leaves school with reputation for being good at
rugby, not knowing what to do with his life (THE GRADUATE in
England).

MAXIMUM BREAK: Snooker in prison

DOUBLE TOP: Darts league drama

REVENGE OF THE GINGER TOSSER: Schoolboy comedy

MOON ON A STICK: Romantic comedy with Helena Bonham-Carter and Collin
Firth

LAST ORDERS: 50's National Service black comedy

LAGER DASH: National cult pub crawl

SORTED: 80's unemployment turns youths to hired killers

THE END OF THE PIER: 50's seaside drama

OLD BOYS DAY: School reunion

THAT WAS MY LUNCHTIME: TV Studio life

NARROW MARGIN: Spy drama, battles over lost cipher book

SCRUMPY: Cornish "Deliverance"

DIGITAL SPAIN, VIRTUAL EUROPE: Art house attack on the electronic super
highway

WHO BY FIRE: Political drama, father discovers that his runaway son was
murdered by government agency as part of a systematic attempt to reduce
homeless problem.

GONE TO GROUND: Escaped convict poses as "gentry" and joins hunting
set, until eventually tracked down.

THE ONION TREE: Welsh family drama/mystery aka The Crow Road, revolving
around an old family story of the onion tree.

WALKING IN THE GARDEN OF DREAMS: London, two people lead separate sad
gray lives, meet by chance at Kew (the garden of dreams) and develop
dysfunctional relationship.

CLOUDSCAPE SEVEN: SF Drama about the excesses of technology and the
loss of the soul.

A NIGHT ON CADR IDRIS: The story of a mans obsessive ambition to spend
a night on a lonely mountain.

WANGLEFLAP KANKER &; GLOOM: ESTATE AGENTS - they go about their
business as though they were spies.

BOFTY AND THE CORK: Buddy movie in Glasgow, two homeless people wander
around Glasgow and get into a lot of "hilarious" situations.

INJURY TIME (a.k.a. THE ART OF COURSE FOOTBALL) i.e. football for
people who are no good at it.

THE SANDWICH MAKERS: Small advertising company (two people, possibly
"advert" paper) is asked to advertise unusual item by anonymous
source.

THE HARD ROOM: Group of seaside entertainers discuss a notorious club,
young "turn" attempts to beat it (George and the Dragon).

DOING THE TURN: Traveling entertainers taken hostage in an insane
asylum.

THEY CLIP THEIR WINGS: The story of the last raven at the tower of
London in the year 2079, paralleled with oppressive
immigration/emigration policy.

TRAITORS GATE: Soviet spies in 60's caught up with satanic
rituals

SMILES IN A WIND TUNNEL: Love story set in a military aircraft design
factory with espionage subplot

WALKING THE DOG: British AFTER HOURS, man takes dog for walk at night,
loses it, gets involved in adventures trying to get it back.

FALLING LEAVES: Five Autumn stories from around the world

DANDELION AND BURDOCK: Enid Blyton like kids adventure story

HARLECH NIGHTS: Tourist is murdered in small Welsh village, uncovering
subculture of organised crime and witchcraft.

LIVING WITH THE BADGERS: Eco warriors kidnap spoilt rich kid

NINE MEN'S MORRIS: British horror version of Jumanji

PORK SCRATCHINGS: Schoolboy thriller, fat child who is bullied murders
his attackers one by one after dark.

ORCHARD: Medieval horror, witchcraft/zombie story set in Kent.
Apple/Eden/Eve/Sex subtext with ritual sacrifice overtones. Also with
possible past/present crossover.

THE KEY TO BART'S HOUSE: Horror inheritance mystery.

LIST OF INGREDIENTS: Greenaway type art-u-mentary cooking portmanteau
lesson catalogue thing.

WEBSHAFTER: A Web page that can posses your soul.

THERE IS A GOD a.k.a. VENUS IN BLUE JEANS (US title): Romantic comedy,
teen brings goddess statue to life and is made to worship her.

INTERCITY: British Rail(road) film

WALKING BACK TO HAPPINESS: Sequel to SHAPIRO AND AFTER, group of middle
aged women re-live childhood dancehall days and dredge up old
rivalries