Teetering

 

    Jan woke up in a funk. All the sex, drugs, and rock and roll she could get her hands on didn’t seem to do a damn thing to fix it, either. She sat up and eagerly chugged down a glass of water at her bedside, washing away the conspiracy by the ceiling fan and last night’s weed to turn her mouth into the Sahara.

    “Figured you might be thirsty, all that craziness from last night.”
    “Thanks Sasha,” Jan rasped, “I’m pretty sure they give sainthoods for less.”

    Sasha waved his large, nimble hand in dismissal. “No thanks necessary, what is a roommate for, eh?”

    “Paying half of an absurd rent?” Jan responded.

    “Well… that too. You are lucky that machines cannot program machines, or I would also be on the… what do you call it? The Struggle Train?”

    Jan chuckled as she padded on bare feet over to the bathroom. “Struggle Bus, Sasha. It’s a bus, we can’t afford the train!” 

    Sasha laughed and called towards the now-shut door, “Someday I will teach you Ukraine sayings too! Much better than English word riddles!”

    The shower turned on and the small display under the head started a countdown from 5 minutes. Jan sighed, undressed, and stepped into the ice-cold shower. The almost painful chill that immediately seeped all the way down to her bones at least served to clear her head, washing away her doubts, fears, and hopelessness along with the sweat and assorted filth from her romp the night before. 

    At the 3:30 mark, the shower finally warmed up, steaming the chill from her heart and bones alike. In the shower, those three and a half minutes of warmth were the only peace she found. The expected shock of the cold followed by the short embrace of comfort and warmth served as an analogue to her own life: long stretches of numbness or pain followed by brief moments of dopamine-soaked happiness.

    Jan opened her eyes, looking at the timer. The monstrous device warned her in its silent, judgemental glow: “One minute and 52 seconds left, hurry up you pathetic sack. Not everyone even has access to fresh, hot water. Selfish, wash your disgusting body already!”

    Jan had to close her eyes and recite her word problems, repeating the mantra her therapist drilled into her over and over for dealing with such intrusive thoughts. She mattered, she was beautiful, and she would be happy again one day. If only she believed it, it might work better.

    Unfortunately, by the time Jan stopped her own mind from ruining the short bout of warm comfort, she had 45 seconds left to wash her hair and body. “Shit. Hair’s gonna wait I guess.”

    Sasha heard the water finally stop, exactly 7 minutes after it started. He hoped Jan was able to wash this time, as she didn’t seem to be able to keep herself clean anymore. He worried, for the 100th time that week, that she was never going to crawl out of the pit her ex left her in. He thought of the sneaky, manipulative monster and the things he wouldn’t mind doing to him, hand insurance be damned. He could still operate a keyboard with broken hands, just had to heal for a little bit.

    Jan walked out in the last clean towel, fluffy gray cloth covering her small frame from shoulders to knees. “Getting dressed, Sasha. You mind?” she asked, noticing Sasha sitting deep in thought, staring at a discarded soda can.

    Sasha yanked up out of several layers of daydreams, thoughts of running over evil bastards quickly disappearing. “Yes of course, my apologies!” Sasha stood up and stepped out of the apartment to fetch the mail.

    Jan got dressed in her last clean pair of underwear, a passable bra, and some discarded pajamas. She wasn’t sure if they were clean but they didn’t smell like sex or weed so they were clean enough for her standards.

    She borrowed one of Sasha’s old t-shirts, thankful that the man used to be much larger. She thought about leaving it off, inviting Sasha to explore her with his lean, delicate hands. His fingers would feel great digging into that knot in her back, then she could–
    “NO. Stop it. He’s the best roommate you’ve ever had. Don’t fuck it up with your terrible relationship skills,” Jan reminded herself.

    Jan straightened the shirt, adjusted her bra so the wire that poked through last week wouldn’t hurt quite so bad, and invited Sasha back in.

    When Sasha didn’t answer, she assumed he had gone for a walk or an errand. She suddenly felt very worthless, alone, and undeserving of anything better. Jan sat on her bed against the cool stone wall and pulled her knees up to her chest. She bundled up in the blanket, lowered her head, and started quietly crying, though she wasn’t quite sure why. All she knew was that it hurt; all of it. Life, loneliness, worthlessness, simple existence was unbearable in that moment. She wanted to leave, to not exist anymore, but without hurting those who inexplicably cared about her.

*****

    Sasha returned 10 minutes later, a convenience store bag in one hand and mail in the other. He knocked on his way in, confident that Jan had gotten dressed but ensuring he was polite regardless. He didn’t hear a response so came in, spotting Jan in her usual place: as small as possible, hiding in a big fluffy blanket, getting beaten down by her own feelings.

    Sasha saw this coming, the poor girl could barely stand to be alone with her own thoughts for more than 5 minutes. “Guess what I got Ms. Jan, the Lady with the Plan?”

    Jan wiped her eyes, Sasha once again saving her from the deepest wells of her own despair. “Sasha, I don’t have a single goddamn plan besides breathing and waiting tables…”

    “Well here, add this to the plan!” Sasha declared triumphantly, holding up his purchases with a flourish. “Jalapeno Cheetos, Diet Dr. Pepper, and the greasiest piece of pepperoni pizza this side of the Atlantic”

    Jan smelled the cheap, processed meat and cheese when Sasha pulled the triangular box from his bag of loot. She wiped her eyes, suddenly remembered that she was supposed to feed her body, and realized she was starving. She got up and hugged Sasha, causing him to lift the junk food treasures above her head, hands full while she tried her best to bust a rib.

    “You’re a treasure Sasha, you deserve better.” Jan flatly declared as she let go of her roommate and took his offered microwaved joy.

    Sasha smiled at the compliment. “Is I that have a treasure for a roommate, for I have the most beautiful and kind woman in the country available every day to teach me silly new phrases like Struggle Subway!”

    Jan didn’t believe a word of it. She had convinced herself long ago that Sasha simply wanted a roommate who could pull her weight, and tried his best to pick her back up so she could do more than lie around and cry. Maybe years ago she’d be delighted to hear such things, but those 4 years with her ex had taught her better. Every compliment she was given was measured, careful, used to extract as much loyalty as possible while keeping her from actually connecting to anyone. There wasn’t a compliment in the world she deserved, she couldn’t even remember table 4’s damned order yesterday! How could she screw up something so fucking simple a teenager can excel at it?

    Jan felt like a jerk for judging this hypothetical teenager, sat at her tiny desk, and dug into the pizza. For the whole minute that the slice lasted, she was okay. All those worries and doubts simply faded behind the primal joy of eating. She took big gulps of her soda, washing down the greasy treat. She then tore into the chips, relishing the slight burning that the peppery cheese snacks left behind. Sasha got her one of those medium sized bags, so it would take her some time to eat through it.

    Jan turned to Sasha, silently eating his own microwave burrito, apple sitting on the desk next to him. He was looking at her with that damned concern, that attempt at looking like he cared about her well being. No one cared about her, she knew that was a simple fact of life! And yet… when she pondered taking a trip over a bridge or walking onto a highway, she knew she could never forgive herself for hurting Sasha, her mother, or her baby brother. Against her better judgment, she asked Sasha a question, fearing the answer.

    “What would you do if I wasn’t around anymore? Like, as your roommate?”

    Sasha set down his burrito, looking at her for a moment. Jan would never know what went through his head, but he was apparently able to see past her question. He wiped his hand on his pant leg, stood up, and walked over to her.

    For a brief moment, Jan had a flashback of her ex doing this exact thing before whispering evil things to her, things that made her question her own sanity and value. Before she could protest, Sasha scooped her up in a tight but not uncomfortable hug. She waited a moment, suspended in the air, fingers covered in cheese dust, before giving him a friendly pat on the back with her clean hand. “Thank you Sasha,” she said politely.

    Sasha didn’t let go. “I love you, you foolish woman. Why do you not believe this? We all love you!”

    Jan was wondering what he was trying to accomplish, saying these things. Then she had a moment of clarity. It was like everything turned back to color and suddenly made sense, like the asshole who created her flipped a switch that let her see the world, unfiltered by her pain. The warmth and desperation she felt in that unending hug was the most genuine thing she experienced in years. Though she knew it was silly, she was oddly uncomfortable with the expression of love. She didn’t know how to react to it anymore, beyond hostility and mistrust. Jan knew, though, that Sasha had done nothing to deserve such a reaction.

    And so she stayed there, feebly hugging the large Ukrainian back, unsure of how to respond. She didn’t deserve his love yet here he was, giving it to her freely, as vulnerable to her next words as she was to the whims of her own mind. She struggled, only managing to express a few “Sasha”s and wordless sighs before she decided to finally extend a little trust.

    “Sasha… my fingers are all cheesy, honey. I don’t want to get your shirt all gross,” she managed with a little half smile.

    “Shirts can be washed. You cannot be replaced. I love you, Jan,” Sasha said softly, voice slightly muffled by her shoulder.

    Jan believed him. She didn’t think she was capable of it, but she believed him. The last man to say that to her ripped her heart out and laughed at her reaction, but even her strongest mental fortress couldn’t resist the withering assault of his hug, warm and comforting. She knew he would let go if she asked or pushed away, but she found herself in an odd limbo between not deserving what was happening and needing it more than she needed air, food, or water.

    Her silence finally broke, a dam of pain and betrayal and loneliness exploding forth in an ugly sob. It hurt, it hurt more than she thought possible but she finally wasn’t facing it alone. She never was, she realized, but her own barriers kept their help from reaching that broken child deep inside of her. The walls crumbled, she let the pain wash over both of them, Sasha her unmoving boulder in the raging river of her confusion.

    Jan finally hugged back, wrapping her legs and arms around Sasha as tight as she could, afraid of letting go now that she was vulnerable again. 

*****

    What felt like hours passed, the only sound in the room the noise of the city outside and Jan’s slowly diminishing sobs of relief.

    Jan lifted her head, taking Sasha’s smooth cheeks in her hands and looking at his face like it was the most wonderful sight she had ever seen. He had told her, when he first moved in, of losing his home and parents to a Russian artillery strike. He survived, somehow unscathed, and was able to obtain a refugee status in the US. He had been dealing with this for months, yet never complained. Always concerned for her, always making sure her pain was being soothed, never making time to deal with his own. Jan felt terribly selfish, though she knew Sasha would never accuse her of such. He only saw the best in her.

    They locked eyes, and suddenly everything else fell away.

    Jan finally choked out through tear-blurred eyes, “I love you too, you giant silly man.”

    Jan kissed him, Sasha eagerly returning it. It was not a kiss of lust, of passion, or desire. It was more complex than any she had before, a kiss that was reassuring, loving, perfect, and was capable of convincing even her that she had deserved it. That kiss told her it would be okay, that she could find help for her depression, that she had survived the darkness and was able to find the dawn.

    The kiss broke, but could not take the moment with it. Jan pressed her face into Sasha’s neck, only regretting that physics kept her from getting any closer to him. She moved without thought now, letting her feelings guide her. She kissed Sasha’s neck, causing him to tilt his head slightly away, his acceptance clear. She continued, moving across his neck and face, faster and hungrier by the second.

    She was aroused, but not like she had been for the string of strangers she let into her bed. She didn’t want this just to feel something, she wanted this to feel him. She needed it, the intimacy, the love and vulnerability. It was deeper, a desire that ran into her very bones.

    She reached down and started tugging at Sasha’s sweats. He finally put her down, neither of them daring to break their kiss, Sasha gently holding her cheeks while she moved quickly, pulling him out of his pants and shedding hers as quick as a whisper. She didn’t care about his size, only that he was as ready for her as she was for him.

    They moved as one to Sasha’s bed, only inches away. She broke the kiss for a moment, using her tongue and hand to moisten her outer lips, returning to the kiss as fast as she could.

    Sasha stayed sitting up on the bed as Jan straddled him, taking him into her with the same slow inevitability of his hug. They groaned as she pressed all the way into his lap, before grinding in slow, sensuous motions.

    They stayed like that as long as they could, but they knew there was far too much love missed to slow down now. Sasha finished quickly with a long groan, not daring to lift her off of him. Jan felt Sasha twitching inside her and quickly finished as well, her gasping moan marking several powerful grasps of Sasha’s hardness inside her. 

    They laid back, still intertwined, kissing softly. Both of them knew there was no turning back after today, both fully committed to whatever came next. Jan would get the help and medicine she needed, though she didn’t seem to be able to understand why she never had before. She was… happy, now, and never wanted it to fade.

    For a brief, beautiful moment, Jan felt human again. She felt what it was to be vulnerable, to love and to be loved in return, to give all of yourself to another and receive all of them in return. It wouldn’t take long before the dark thoughts and self-hatred returned, but she fought now. She fought with the strength of both of them, fighting it off not for herself but for the one that trusted her with his heart. She could let herself down, but she couldn’t do it to them anymore. Not to Sasha, not to her mother, and not to her baby brother, to whom she still had to teach the proper way to play UNO.

    Jan wouldn’t forget the night she found a glimmer of hope, a spark of determination, a genuine connection, everything she needed to fight back.

    This day, love would win.