Communications...!!!

Ah, Those halcyon days of old, when telephone boxes were red and you
only had a choice between button "A" and button "B".

Button "A" got you connected, button "B" gave you your fourpence back
and with a bit of luck and a deft flick of the wrist, pressing "A" and
"B" together gave you both.

Where have those days gone when as kids you sneaked into a phone box,
dialed the operator and told her to "Get off the line there's a train
coming"....?...Then scoot out of the phone box like scared rabbits in
case either your voice was recognised or the village Bobby was
watching.....

Have we gone too far with this instant communications
revolution....?

YES say I.

WHEN ALL IS DIALLED AND HEARD

M
iddlethorpe in the Mire, that much writ about hamlet that nestles
serenely in it's own peculiar brand of congenial squalor, did not
readily embrace revolution. It had never really got over the Industrial
Revolution, not that it was either invited or volunteered to take part.
It was certainly ill prepared for the transformation in
communications.

Revolution to the residents of Middlethorpe meant going round in the
same diminishing circles they had done for generations.

Certain things had to change, however, out of pure necessity. Albert
Stoic, Worshipful Mayor of Middlethorpe had identified a need. The
communications system between departments at the Town Hall had to be
improved.

As a basis for his investigations Albert needed to have the facts and
figures. He asked Cecil Arbuthnott, the Town Clerk to compile a
report.

At the next Committee meeting he presented Cecil's
findings...which...after the initial preamble and some comments about
"systems being communicably incompatible.." followed by a handwritten
note in the margin.."Is this the correct technical jargon?"...read like
this...

the existing voice pipe system, which councilors will recall was
recycled from a wartime navy frigate in the late nineteen forties, has
had it uses. whilst a whistle from the council chamber will bring any
one of the council's officers to attention, unfortunately, the steam
from the kitchen kettle regularly whistles all the points of contact at
once and brings every council employee to attention at the same time.
no-one knows who is talking to whom and the conversations usually end
with..... "black with two sugars."

as the scope of the council and the ratepaying population has increased
several different telephone systems have been introduced..... (This was
where the comment about incompatibility came in).... but they are now
painfully inadequate. some internal extension numbers cannot be dialed.
for example. an outside subscriber can telephone the legal department,
but, if the matter concerns both the legal department and the public
health department some problems are encountered. however, since the
legal and public health departments share the same office floor, whilst
the caller cannot be transferred from the legal department to the
public health department communication can be effected either by loud
grunts across the intervening space or by employing the council owned
megaphone more commonly used to attract the attention of the crowded
populace during the annual fayre.

if, however, the call involves either the trading standards officer or
the environmental health officer there is no way of transferring the
call since the former resides on the second floor and the latter in the
basement. the caller is therefore faced with the prospect of either
submitting their complaint in writing or knocking on the front door and
making personal representations at the town hall. the problem there of
course is that first they have to telephone for an appointment.

the loudspeaker system which was added in the early fifties has had
totally the opposite effect to that originally intended. the sequence
of non events usually runs like this...

party "a" puts out a call for party "b".

party "b" having no way to acknowledge the call from party "a" sets out
to find party "a", usually by going down the back stairs, across the
corridor, through the committee room and eventually to whence party "b"
expected party "a" to have called him or her from.

meanwhile, party "a" unaware that party "b" has heard, leave alone
responded to, the call, decides it would be quicker to go and find
party "b" where he should have been when he was called. this is usually
via the front stairs, reception, the library and the fire escape.

party "a" is now where party "b" had just left.

party "b" is where party "a" had called him from in the first
place.....

The report, to which was attached various appendices with glossy
brochures on systems, each of which was dismissed as being too small,
too large or too expensive really never made any conclusions or
recommendations. However, Albert thought ruefully, since it was he
(Albert) who had previously suggested that Cecil be persuaded against
his will to retire, it was none too surprising.

Albert's eye fell on a short post script which Cecil had
added....

"if there is any money left in the budget, please can i get my
typewriter fixed. the shift key's busted and it won't do capital
letters or question marks."

Twas with this in mind and a copy of Cecil's report in hand that Albert
later paid a visit to his friend and neighborhood bank manager, Samuel
Fludgates. It was well known that the bank had long since set aside the
abacus and the quill pen for the computer file and the floppy disk.
Albert had personally noticed the changing times in the bank. No more
did his statement arrive with a large figure in red ink, it simply
arrived with an equally large figure in black ink followed by the
letters "OD".

"My frank advice to you Albert" began Samuel, having been appraised of
the purpose of the visit..."is don't bother. These new fangled systems
are more bloody trouble than they're worth. I'll tell you
somethin'....in fact I'll let you listen to somethin'...." He leant
over and picked up a small tape recorder from the side of his
desk.

"I shouldn't do this really....supposed to be confidential...but, ever
since the bank got taken over by that American outfit, we've been asked
to record certain calls....something about security...and ease of
communications.....Now, a quick explanation. Every time you here a
"beep" that's me dialing in a number....So here's me calling Head
Office....."

A series of varying tone beeps could be heard. Albert thought they
sounded like the tune of Colonel Bogey.

Then a voice came on the line.

Thank you for calling Texas Toddlesworth Mercantile. If you know the
extension number of the person you need dial it now. If you don't,
press the hash sign on your phone and you will be connected to an
operator. If you know the department you wish to speak to but not the
exact extension number, dial the first two digits of the extension
number followed by 99. This will automatically connected to our
voicemail directory.....If you want to short circuit the directory and
know the surname of your contact press the number corresponding to that
letter. Thus, 1 equals "A", 2 equals "B" and so on. If your contacts
name begins with a letter greater than ten in the Alphabet wait for the
prompt between digits. If you don't do this, pressing, for example, 13
will prompt a search for someone whose name begins with "AC" and not
"M". If you did not understand ALL of this message press the star sign
on your phone and the whole message will repeat. If you did not
understand ANY of this message, press the star sign twice and the
message will repeat but very slowly. If you don't understand ANY of
this message by third time around...send a fax and we'll have someone
call you right back......

Beep (hash sign)

"The Operator?" said Albert who was listening intently.
Sam nodded.

"....This is the operator service. The operators are busy at this time
but will take your call as soon as possible.

Pregnant extended pause.

"Your call has been re-routed to the operator. The system shows the
operator has three calls holding at the moment so your wait may be
protracted. Press 6 for the waiting time menu."

Beep.

"Six?"....This from Albert

Sam nodded again.

"Welcome to the waiting time service. While you are waiting for the
operator we have a choice of music. Press 1 for jazz, 2 for Pop or 3
for classical."

beep.

"One?" Prompted Albert

"Three." said Sam.

"You have chosen classical music and have the choice between Beethoven
or Tchaikovski. For Beethoven press 8. For his first symphony press 1
for his second press 2 and so on. For Tchaikovski press 9 then for the
eighteen twelve overture press 1,8,1,2. When you hear a continuous
ringing tone this indicates that the operator is free. Press the hash
sign and the operator will answer your call...."

Beep beep.

"Beethoven's first....?"

"Second."

rin n n n n n g.

beep.

"Hash. Back to the operator." said Sam in response to Albert's
questioning glance.

"....This is the operator service. The operators are busy at this time
but will take your call as soon as possible.

Pregnant extended pause.

"Your call has been re-routed to the operator. The system shows the
operator has four calls holding at the moment so your wait may be
protracted. Press 6 for the waiting time menu."

Beep beep beep beep.

Albert's questioning glance again.

"The extension number?"

"First four numbers I thought of...."

"Hi this is Cheryl....I'm away from my desk right now but if you'd like
to leave a message after the tone I'll get right back to you......If
you'd like to leave a personal message hit the hash button on your
phone to reach the operator....."

Beep.

"Hash?"

"Hash."

"....This is the operator service. The operators are busy at this time
but will take your call as soon as possible.

Pregnant extended pause.

"Your call has been re-routed to the operator. The system shows the
operator has five calls holding at the moment so your wait may be
protracted. Press 6 for the waiting time menu."

Beep.

"Six?"....This from Albert.

Sam nodded again.

"Welcome to the waiting time service. While you are waiting for the
operator we have a choice of music. Press 1 for jazz, 2 for Pop or 3
for classical."

beep.

"Three." said Sam.

"You have chosen classical music and have the choice between Beethoven
or Tchaikowski. For Beethoven press 8, for his first symphony press 1
for his second press 2 and so on. For Tchaikowski press 9 then for the
eighteen twelve overture press 1,8,1,2. When you hear a continuous
ringing tone this indicates that the operator is free. Press the hash
sign and the operator will answer your call...."

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep.....

"The 1812..?"

"1812."

Riiiiiiinnnnnnngggggg.

Beep.

"Hash?"

"Hash."

"Thank you for calling the Toddlesworth Bank. You are connected to the
automatic operator service. It's out of working hours now so there is
no-one to personally take your call, If you would like to leave a
message on the main answerphone speak after the tone and your message
will be relayed through the voicemail network in the
morning....."

Sam hit the pause button on the tape recorder.

"At this point I really lost my rag." he said.
The pause button flicked again....

"You may now leave a twenty second message.....Beep..."

"OH B****R IT !!!",

".....Thank you. Your message has been recorded....Have a nice
day...."

"Impressive." said Albert who was duly impressed.

Sam switched off the tape recorder and struggled to take down a large
volume from his bookshelf.

"You see this? This is the instruction manual. IF, (and I don't) but
IF, I knew how to use it all, I could modem their "E" mail, leave
messages on their voicemail, and even do it in such a way that anyone
over there can dial a few digits on a mobile phone and ten seconds
later have a faxed copy arrive in their car...."

"Very impressive." replied Albert, who by now was very
impressed..."But, as far as the Council is concerned, all we need is
something a bit more modern which simply just gives us the facility of
actually TALKING to people."

Sam made a gesture as though to throw the instruction tome in the waste
bin.

"To be quite honest," he said....."so do I."