Its Enough to make Roget turn in his Thesaurus

Enough to make Roget turn in his Thesaurus

EPISODE ONE

Dear Tony

Thank you for all your efforts so far in attempting to cure me of
my
problem. I cannot believe that I did not come to Welfare for advice
sooner.
I would like to arrange another meeting shortly as I am still finding
it
difficult to not use office clich?s in everything I say and write. Can
I
provide a brief update, then maybe we can touch base to flag up any
issues
for me to take forward? Thank you.

Firstly, I need to put my hands up. I have not taken on board your
feedback
because I am multi-tasking and need to effectively prioritise. I do
have an
action plan, integrated into a developmental mission statement
with
bullet-pointed objectives, key goals, success criteria and
evidence
indicators, but did I mention that I am also hot-desking? The
by-product of
these conflicting priorities is increased stress quotas and the need
to
delegate to ensure quality outputs, this in turn problematized by
recent
corporate streamlining of the human resource necessitating the
procurement
of temporary staff with limited grasp of the desirable knowledge base.
This
is clearly a management issue. I have already brought to the table the
need
for one-on-one desk coaching for delivery of effective strategic
networking,
but they told me to close the door on the way
out&;#8230;proactively.

But this does not take account of the bigger picture, i.e. my problem
with
office jargon. Take my wife, who works in retail. Based on the
available
data, she takes the view that my interpersonal and communication
skills
present a quantifiable risk to positive domestic interface. This is
anger
management territory. I both recognise and accept the matters she
raises,
but who is interfacing with all day?

I'm playing Devil's Advocate, but can I lob something into the
ballpark? Is
my terminological excess the key catalyst in the deterioration of
my
marriage? I did not incorporate this in my risk analysis! How do I
maintain
productive two-way discourse in a high pressure situation? Do I need to
log
this as an identifiable training requirement, or just leave my wife?
If
you're not the one with the corporate overview on this, whose flagpole
can I
run it up, and will it hurt?

I am aware that your schedule is hectic over the coming quarter as I
have
liased with your PA, Debbie. Using Critical Path Analysis, I am
formulating
a provisional agenda for our next meeting which I will forward to you
as
soon as. Could I suggest Thursday? If three hours is too long,
let's
streamline!

Kind regards

Malcolm

EPISODE TWO

Dear Malcolm.

Thank you for your letter. Yes Thursday is fine. I can fit you in at
about
3.30PM after my course "An Overview on the Development of
Corporate
Strategems in a Global World Class Manufacturing Environments For a
Niche
but Diminishing Marketplace and Their Effect on Emerging Third
World
Economic and Technological Policies," and my appointment with my
psychiatrist
which is at four o'clock

Now I realise that only gives us about thirty minutes but if we home in
and
completely focus around a brainstorming of your problem I'm sure we
can
mutually examine a number of Key Performance Indicators and
Personal
Development Plans which can be agenderised for the forthcoming
departmental
"Added Value" forum. Equally should we be able to discern by our state
of
the art psychometric stress analysis techniques that your problem is
greater
than mine, then I shall give serious consideration to cancelling
my
psychiatrist's appointment and letting you go instead.

As you are aware via a series of "Team Briefings" "Awareness Forums"
and
"Internal Communications" together with numerous E Mails, reports,
and,
more importantly, the scores of international office rumours, the
Strategic
Downsizing resultant from the downturn in Corporate demand for our
products
must not detract from the achievement of the quotas and budgets set out
in
order to ensure the overall realisation of the Company's Global
Objectives
and profitability ratio to headcount during the third quarter of the
fiscal.

In short I have to build a team of proactive achievers, and, given
the
pressures, internal politics and practical constraints of that
assignment,
if anyone's going to crack up. it's going to be me.

(dictated by Tony in a moment of frustrated anguish and sent in
his
unavoidable absence)

EPISODE THREE

Tony

Thank you for your message, which makes me at once concerned about
your
psychological well-being. I appreciate that the window of availability
for
touching base on your part has been minimised in the immediate context
of
your comprehensive training commitment in the truncated timeframe
you
outline. But can I key you in on my thinking? While I recognise
and
understand your compliance with a professional developmental
agenda
determined largely by the current corporate directive of attaining IIP
by
the end of the fiscal calendar through expansion of staff expertise in
key
skill areas (remember when it was modular?) it's really all a load of
rubbish.

A nil-response on that point, please, as I can pre-empt the
inevitable
counter-argument of "I do this to enhance feasible deliverability of
rapid
career progression on phased roll-out basis over pre-determined spine
point
period " which would merely be cheap of you. It's tragically
symptomatic of
the upwardly mobile mindset that satiating the requirement for
professional
advancement dominates over securing meaningful domestic interfaces
with
one's partner or pet hound (I do not imply any innuendo vis a vis the
pet
hound, I use it to indicate that positive domestic experiences are
not
wholly predicated by the inclusion of another human being, e.g.
one's
partner, but on occasion with an animal with one whom has forged a
fair,
reasonable and harmonious dialogue rooted in mutual appreciation
and
personal respect, e.g. one's dog, Mr Sparky).

I think it fundamentally disappointing that, through your wanton
prioritising of the Corporate Stratagems seminar, you reject your
responsibilities to a colleague needing help whilst
simultaneously
continuing to nuzzle on the global teat. No good can come of it you
know. I
had you for a team player, but I see you now as a hollow shadow of
the
executive I once knew. What's happened to us, Tony? We used to
have
proactive brunches.

I urge you to reconsider liasing with me over an expanded window,
the
duration of which is negotiable. Thirty minutes is not enough as it
seems my
wife is now embroiled in regular extra marital activities with an
ironmonger.

You are my chosen confidante, and I must offload. Obviously the
ironmonger
incident is a microcosm. The macrocosm may take hours to explain, so I
can provide just the basic overview if you wish. His name is
Jeff.

Get back to me, or if not me, my voicemail. I'm networking with Piers
over
espressos this afternoon on a Cat B services contract. No
tendering
required, below the ECU threshold, all fair and transparent.

"Brainstorming?" Get with the programme. We go with "thought showering"
in
my department.

Kind regards and RSVP

Malcolm

EPISODE FOUR

Malcolm:
Even I am overawed by the depths that you surmount to and the heights
that
you plunge to.

Surely you are aware that the strategic mandatory implementation of
the
minuted action statements taken from the recent "Time and
Resource
Management in a Reactive Task Environment" symposium totally detracts
from
extending the timeframe previously offered. Furthermore, not only
should my
sole circumspection be focused on strategic core competencies it is
my
asworn duty to devote my entire attention to the timely delivery of
economic
and cost effective solutions to Corporate Objectives and Senior
Management,
to whose lofty heights I certainly aspire, would , frankly, descend
upon my
person like many hundred kilogrammes of black smelly stuff if they
became
cogniscent of the fact that I had even conceded to 30 whole minutes of
my
time span to counselling a excessive verbalism freak with a fried
egg
problem.

I sympathise with your plight, honestly I do. When I read your
initial
diatribe drivel I didn't even laugh out loud.

Having sought advice from Cross Functional Managerial Teams various
and
appraised them of the salient factors and cogniscent potential remedies
with
a sixty seven slide Powerpoint presentation, two pages of guidance
notes,
three graphs and a paper hanky each , their reaction was
predictable,
unanimous and probably impossible without the implantation of a
surgical
appliance which with current waiting times on the NHS, could only be
done in
the massage parlour of Jim's Gym in the Balls Pond Road and then only
with
local anaesthetic.. Apparently it involves Leadership doctrines,
"Coming out", a 1960's Morris Minor, the Royal Marines assault course,
and shrill but unprintable implorations to whichever God you may
believe watches over you.

What you must say to yourself is "Onwards and Upwards...Perhaps in your
case "In Gearum Rectum" might be more appropriate.

My diary remains open but please entertain no circumspect illusions. I
am
willing to discuss interface or discourse. Other combinations of
the
syllables of these two words are beyond my knowledge and training,
and
require appropriate tactical decision making between yourself, your
wife
and/or the ironmonger who incidentally rumour has it, is the Jim of
Jim's
Gym's second cousin.

PS My shrink wants to know which one of us is going on Thursday.

EPISODE FIVE

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