Baby, I Love You

CHANNEL Z

An Everyday Story of TV Producers and their Underlings

Episode 2: Baby, I Love You

By Matt Purland

ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to Channel Z - television of the future, today. The place: a
brand new satellite television studio in Ripley, close to Junction 27
of the M1. The time: now! Featuring: Station Chief Michael Macintyre;
his wife and Head of Programmes Ellen Macintyre, and his beautiful,
brunette secretary Olivia Destiny. Also featuring: janitor Rodney
Clambake; suave television presenter Tony Chance-Hero; chief cleaner
Mave Parker; Olivia's mother Fenella Destiny-Moore, and trainee
floor-manager Peter Huddlewike. This week's episode is called: Episode
2: Baby I Love You.

ANNOUNCER:
Last time on Channel Z:

(Pause)

1. Interior. MICHAEL's office. 3.26pm. MICHAEL, ELLEN, OLIVIA and
TONY.

ANNOUNCER:
3.26pm. Michael's office. Tony Chance-Hero has agreed to accept a new
contract but won't sign it before he has seen the preview tape of
tonight's edition of his quiz "Regretfully Speaking".

(Pause)

TONY:
There are a couple of nick and cut edits I'd like to make before it
goes on air. Is that okay? (Long pause) Er, why are you all looking so
pale? Hey - ! What's this? The cupboard where all my programme tapes
are normally kept is bare! Where is my programme? I won't sign a
contract until I've seen my programme!

ELLEN:
Tony - would you like another cup of coffee?

TONY:
No thanks, I've got coffee coming out of my ears.

OLIVIA:
Would you like me to fetch a mop?

MICHAEL:
He was speaking metaphorically, Olivia. Leave this to me. Tony: I'm
going to level with you.

TONY:
Are you? Where the dash is my tape?

MICHAEL:
The truth is, we don't know.

TONY (Incredulously):
You don't know?

ELLEN:
It was stolen this morning by a mysterious third party.

TONY:
Who was it?

MICHAEL:
We don't know that either. Look. Are you willing to talk about the
terms of your new contract?

TONY:
Rip it up! This station is staffed by amateurs.

MICHAEL (Angrily):
You looked at Ellen when you said that. That's unfair!

TONY:
If it was a wounded pony it would be put down. I'm sorry, but that's
the way I feel. My agent will be hearing about this. Goodbye.

MICHAEL:
Olivia. Get Mr.Chance-Hero his coat. Tony. Give me your hand. Two happy
months with us. Eighty seven superb recordings. I'm so sorry it had to
end this way.

TONY:
Sorry isn't the word. Try: regretful.

(He storms out of the office)

2. Interior. The lobby. Monday, 10.46 am. MICHAEL, RODNEY and
MAVE.

ANNOUNCER:
Two weeks later. Monday morning. 10.46. Michael is talking to Rodney
and Mave in the lobby.

(Pause)

MAVE:
Ere, d'ya think Mrs.Macintyre's gonna be ever so surprised that we're
planning a surprise party for her birthday? Thirty four! Don't the
years go round fast! Only last week I remember - .

MICHAEL:
That'll do, Mrs.Parker. I have a lot to sort out this morning. Can you
just make sure that everything we need for the party is ready in the
main boardroom for four o'clock, please.

RODNEY:
Don't worry, Mr.M, everything'll be ready. This party's gonna be
monster.

MICHAEL:
Oh, I do hope so, Mr.Clambake. My, that's an attractive new stud that
you've put in your ear. (Cough) I've been neglecting Ellen lately - I
admit it - and I want this party to be my way of making it up to her.
Here - take fifty pounds each. Mr.Clambake - I want you to purchase the
alcoholic beverages and Mrs.Parker the food. Snacks - nothing fancy.
Alright? And don't breathe a word of this to Mrs.Macintyre. See you
both this afternoon.

(MICHAEL goes)

MAVE:
Come on, Rodney. I'll pop down co-op and you go the offie. Shall I get
some crisps?

RODNEY:
Yeah. My favourites are ready salted. (Chuckles) Let me help you with
your shopping trolley.

(They go)

3. Interior. Studio One. 10.59am. ELLEN and MARTIN BLARNSPOT.

ANNOUNCER:
10.59am. Studio One. Ellen is inspecting a replica set of the famous
ship The Santa Pinta, newly constructed for filming of the lavish new
drama "CHRIS: The Christopher Columbus Story". The executive producer
Martin Blarnspot is pointing out an intricate piece of carving . .
.

(Pause)

ELLEN:
Yes. That's very good. That's an impressive stern. You think we'll need
only 30,000 gallons of water in the tank, not 50? Okay. Well, I think
you can all feel very proud of yourselves. Er - who's this?

PETER:
I'm so sorry to disturb you, Mrs.Macintyre. I'm such a huge fan of
yours. I'm a trainee floor manager on this production.
Huddlewike.

ELLEN:
What?

PETER:
That's my name. Peter Huddlewike.

ELLEN:
Your hand is all wet.

PETER:
Oh, I've just been swabbing down the deck over there. I've seen all the
programmes you've commissioned - even the ones that weren't really any
cop.

ELLEN:
Oh.

PETER:
Can I have a word with you for a sec?

ANNOUNCER:
Meanwhile - in another part of the studio.

(Pause)

(OLIVIA and MICHAEL meet by accident. They are surprised and delighted
to see each other)

OLIVIA:
Oh, Mr.Macintyre!

MICHAEL:
Olivia.

OLIVIA:
Darling!

(They kiss)

MICHAEL:
Oh, it's so good to see you again. My morning's been so boring.

OLIVIA:
Shush! This studio is crawling with people. (Confused) And they're all
wearing rags.

MICHAEL:
I presume they're the ship's crew extras, Olivia? We need rather a
lot.

OLIVIA:
No. I mean - if word got out about our affair they'd have a field
day!

MICHAEL:
Nobody's going to find out. Now listen here. How would you like to be
taken out for a surprise lunch?

OLIVIA (Delighted):
I'd love to. Where?

MICHAEL:
Meet me in the car park at three minutes to one. (Laughs) Sayonara,
baby.

OLIVIA
(Laughs)

(Pause)

OLIVIA:
What?

4. ELLEN's office, on the forty-first floor. 1.05pm. ELLEN and PETER.
ELLEN is at her desk, eating her lunch of salad and crispbreads.

ANNOUNCER:
Five past one!

(Pause)

ELLEN:
No, Peter, it's not that I don't like your ideas for new programmes.
It's just . . .

PETER:
What about: Rolf Harris, in a blizzard, tending a polar bear. Then
three teams of contestants appear and they start playing "It's A
Knockout"-style games. Brill! (Pause) Or - I can see Peter Purves, with
Vera Lynn, leading a massive nation-wide challenge to find out who owns
the most varieties of tupperware. (Pause) What?

ELLEN:
Peter. I'm having lunch. I'm eating crispbread. Don't anger me. Pop
your suggestions down on paper and send them to . . . (Vindictively)
Michael, via internal mail. (Laughs meanly) Thank you.

PETER:
Alright. I will. I'll look forward to discussing it with you. I'm
wanted back on the ship anyway.

(ELLEN sighs)

5. Exterior. A grassy field, several miles drive from the studio.
1.15pm. MICHAEL and OLIVIA are having a picnic.

ANNOUNCER:
1.15pm. Michael and Olivia are having a picnic in a summery
field.

(Pause)

OLIVIA:
Michael, this is the most perfect place. Shaded by the strong arms of
this lovely oak. I'd better not have too much champagne, though,
tempting as it is.

MICHAEL:
You will be at Ellen's surprise party, won't you? I must put on this
terrible front, even though I feel like a - a piece of double-sided
sticky tape when I do. That's why . . . I was thinking about telling
you that I want to leave my wife, and come and live with you. And your
mother.

OLIVIA (Overjoyed):
Really? I'm so glad!

(They kiss)

OLIVIA:
Mummy won't be so easily sold. You could offer to buy her a car.

MICHAEL:
I know she doesn't drive.

OLIVIA:
She'd be thrilled by the gesture. (Pause) Michael. I also have
something special, something important that I've been meaning to tell
you.

MICHAEL:
What is it, darling? You're becoming a lifeguard?

OLIVIA:
No. (Pause) Michael - I'm pregnant.

6. Interior. The main boardroom. 3.59pm. RODNEY, MAVE, MICHAEL, OLIVIA
and about thirty colleagues. They are waiting expectantly for ELLEN.
They are all hidden, but looking out from their positions. They are
trying to keep the noise down.

ANNOUNCER:
Back at the television station in the main boardroom . . .

(Pause)

RODNEY (Half-whispering):
Three fifty nine! She should be ere any minute now! Ssh! Shush!
Everyone hide. That's it. Ere, I fink she's coming!

(Everyone hides and the hubub stops as the door opens)

(Pause)

ELLEN:
What's this? Empty! Time is money and I don't have money to waste.
Michael swore blind there was a board meeting going on in here at
four.

MICHAEL:
Now!

ELLEN:
What's this?

EVERYONE (Loudly):
SURPRISE!

(General atmosphere of partying, noise of conversations, etc.)

(Pause)

MICHAEL:
Happy birthday, darling. I wanted this birthday to be a special
celebration.

ELLEN:
Oh - you smoothie. You're so romantic. Here.

(She gives him a peck on the cheek)

ELLEN:
To be honest, amidst all the hurly-burly of the business I thought
you'd forgotten.

MICHAEL:
Nonsense!

(They laugh together)

7. A phone box along the corridor from the main boardroom. OLIVIA and,
on the other end of the 'phone, her mother, FENELLA
DESTINY-MOORE.

ANNOUNCER:
Unseen by Michael and the others, Olivia slips out to make an oh-so
important 'phone call.

(Pause)

OLIVIA:
Mummy? (Pause) Mummy! I've told him.

FENELLA:
You've told him?

OLIVIA:
He was going to find out. (Crying) He was overjoyed. Oh . . .

FENELLA:
Don't worry, darling. Everything is going to be just fine.

8. Back at the party. A few minutes later.

(Pause)

RODNEY:
Mave - try some of this vintage white wine. I got it knock-off. I know
this supplier in Hemel Hempstead. (Chuckles) Ere - .

MAVE:
What?

RODNEY:
Do we got to carry on working after this?

MAVE:
I don' know. Ah! Look! Mrs.Macintyre and Mr.Macintyre look happy, don'
they? A picture of marital magic.

RODNEY:
Pass us a Hobnob.

9. Back with OLIVIA on the 'phone. A few minutes later. OLIVIA is more
upset.

ANNOUNCER:
Meanwhile, on the 'phone Olivia is beside herself.

(Pause)

OLIVIA (Upset):
It isn't that easy, mummy! You don't know the whole story!

FENELLA:
I can't see the need for these tears. Mm? You'll get married, once he
gets his divorce. You'll have the baby - and a husband. And be very
happy. Sit down, Livvy. Take a deep breath. What's the big problem.
(Pause) It's not - ?

(Pause)

OLIVIA:
Mummy - it isn't his! (Deep breath) It's my other boyfriend,
John's!

(Pause)

ANNOUNCER:
Will Olivia tell Michael the truth? Can she keep her job? Will Ellen
enjoy being thirty four any more than being any of the other ages that
she has been? Will Rodney have to work the rest of the day, fulfilling
his contractually pre-arranged number of hours? Be sure to be tuning in
in good time to the next exciting instalment of CHANNEL Z. Television
with a secret predilection for trad jazz.