No Regrets!

CHANNEL Z

An Everyday Story of TV Producers and their Underlings

Episode 1 - No Regrets!

By Matt Purland

ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to Channel Z - television of the future today. The place: a
brand new satellite
television studio in Ripley - close to Junction 27 of the M1. The time:
now! Featuring: Station Chief Michael Macintyre; his wife Ellen
Macintyre, and his beautiful, brunette secretary Olivia Destiny. Also
featuring: suave television presenter Tony Chance-Hero; backroom boy
and janitor Rodney Clambake, and not forgetting: chief cleaner Mave
Parker. This week's episode is called: Episode 1: No Regrets!

1. Interior. MICHAEL's office. Morning. ELLEN and MICHAEL.

ANNOUNCER:
Monday. 9.42am. Ellen and Michael are in Michael's office,
talking.

(Pause)

MICHAEL:
Can you see what this is? It's a piece of paper, Ellen.

ELLEN:
You don't say, darling. Is this going to take long?

MICHAEL:
I just want you to be up to speed with where programming's headed at
Channel Z. This is last week's ratings. You know what our top show is
as of last week? I'm gonna tell you! It's that quiz show, "Regretfully
Speaking", starring the baby-faced presenter genius Tony
Chance-Hero!

ELLEN:
Really?

MICHAEL:
Yes. We've got to get him to sign a new contract.

ELLEN:
I know that our close cable rivals want him to front their new
pets-in-space documentary-drama: "Sputnik Tortoise".

MICHAEL:
That's why we've got to find a way of keeping him here. His contract is
pretty much over. The last episode of his show goes out tonight.

(Enter Olivia, breathless)

OLIVIA (Gasping):
Oh, Michael!

MICHAEL:
Hello Olivia. What's the problem?

OLIVIA:
Oh - Mrs.Macintyre. I didn't know you'd be here. I thought I could have
a . . . private word with Mr.Macintyre.

ELLEN:
You're out of luck, you brassy secretary. What do you want?

MICHAEL:
What is it, Olivia? Your cheeks are attractively flushed. Not bad
news?

OLIVIA (Desperate):
The tape of the last episode of "Regretfully Speaking"! It's gone
missing!

2. Interior. The first-floor gentlemen's washrooms, RODNEY is polishing
the staff mirrors while MAVE is having a cigarette.

ANNOUNCER:
10.05am. Lower down the building, in the first floor gentlemen's
washrooms, Rodney is polishing the mirrors while Mave is taking a
hard-earned break.

(Pause)

RODNEY:
'Ere, Mave. How's your Stan getting on with his motorbike what 'e was
building?

MAVE:
Oh, the kit model I gave him for Christmas in 1984, you mean? He's
nearly finished. 'Ave you done wiping down them staff washroom mirrors
yet, Rodney?

RODNEY:
Yeah, they're so clean you can see yer face in 'em!

(They both laugh)

RODNEY:
We 'ave a laugh 'ere, don' we Mrs.Parker? 'Ere - what's this I've found
in the bin? It's got the Channel Z logo on it.

MAVE:
It looks like a high-quality VHS tape - like what they make programmes
with. 'Ere, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

RODNEY:
What?

MAVE:
That we gotta take this up to Mr.Macintyre's office immediately?

RODNEY:
Well, I wasn't, but . . .

(He thinks)

RODNEY:
Why don't you let me take care of it, Mrs.Parker.

(He takes the tape. Aside)

RODNEY:
This has got to have a high street value. I know someone who'd like a
look at this! Ha ha ha! Heh heh heh!

3. Interior. A staircase in the labyrinthine building. MICHAEL bumps
into TONY CHANCE-HERO. MICHAEL, embarrassed about the missing tape, is
not pleased to see him.

ANNOUNCER:
11.12am. Tony Chance-Hero spots Michael on the main staircase.

(Pause)

TONY:
Oh! Mr.Macintyre. Can I talk to you?

MICHAEL:
Tony! Tony! Congratulations about the ratings. Well done. Afraid I've
got to fly. Bye for now. We must get together to talk very soon.

TONY:
It's about my contract. Has my agent spoken to you yet?

MICHAEL:
Well - we're very grateful for the good work you've been doing for us.
Is that the time? I really had better dash. I've got a meeting with -
my plastic surgeon. Bye!

(MICHAEL goes)

TONY (Alone):
TV executives. Tsk! They're always the same. Hate you when you flop.
Hate you when you shine. Well I'm going to make my money's worth out of
him.

4. Interior. A secret love-hideaway on the fourth floor. MICHAEL and
OLIVIA.

ANNOUNCER:
Two hours later. A secret fourth-floor love nest, known only to Michael
and Olivia, his secretary.

(Pause)

(Clink of glasses. Giggling)

OLIVIA:
Oh, Michael.

MICHAEL:
Olivia! Come here, darling.

(Pause. More giggling)

OLIVIA:
I hope you didn't tell that nasty presenter that you had a meeting with
your secretary.

MICHAEL:
Oh - he wouldn't have believed it. Everyone at this station knows that
I'm married to my work. And also my wife. Look, Olivia, put down that
box of chocolates. What am I going to do about this missing tape? I
fear it has got into the wrong hands. Wait! Perhaps it has been stolen
by a rival TV studio that knows Tony's going up in the world - and
knows his contract with us is at an end. They could use it to try and
show that we at Channel Z are not serving his best interests. Oh,
darling!

OLIVIA:
Oh, Michael. You look so worried. I thought - .

MICHAEL:
What did you think, my little apple sundae with chocolate sauce?

OLIVIA:
I thought one day you were going to leave the TV world, and leave that
nasty harridan and come and live with me in the countryside where we
could keep cattle, and listen to the shipping forecast, and bring up
our own babies! Are you listening to me?

(OLIVIA weeps)

MICHAEL:
That's all very well, my little squoozy-pudding, but it is not a very
realistic projected forecast for the moment. I'm more concerned about
finding the thief who has stolen my tape. And more to the question -
how? And more to the question - why?

(Scratching at the door)

MICHAEL (Whispers):
Can you hear a scratching at the door?

OLIVIA (Whispers):
No.

(Scratching again)

MICHAEL (Whispers):
It is! Oh no! There's someone at the door! Our hiding place has been
discovered!

(Enter MAVE)

MAVE:
Oh, hello you two. No, don't get up on my account. I jus' wondered,
Mr.Macintyre, whether you've thought about my raise. Has Rodney been to
see yer yet, about the . . . Cor! This is a nice place you've got 'ere.
Although I'm not usually too keen on crushed velvet bedsheets
meself.

MICHAEL:
Er - Mrs.Parker - .

MAVE:
Call me Mave.

MICHAEL:
This is not what it seems. Miss Destiny and I were testing the . . .
the set, yes, the set for a new, hilarious game - slash - quiz show. Er
- actually I was thinking of raising your wages by fifty pounds a week.
How does that sound?

MAVE:
Oh, very nice. I'll have to tell Rodney about this.

MICHAEL:
No, no. You mustn't tell anyone. Particularly not Mrs.Macintyre.

MAVE:
Alright. As long as you throw in some new rubber gloves.

5. Exterior. RODNEY talking on his mobile phone in the busy street, at
the front of the building.

ANNOUNCER:
2pm. Reception. Rodney is talking on his mobile phone.

(Pause)

RODNEY (To phone):
'Ello? Billy? Is 'e in?

(Pause)

Ello? Yeah. I've got something that might be of interest to you.
What?

(Pause)

A tape.

(Pause)

Well as it 'appens, the final part of that "Regretfully Speaking"
series. The top-rating quiz starring Tony Chance-Hero. Yeah. Could you
use it on your rival pirate TV station? (Pause) You can? That's
terrific. Right, meet me in the reception at Willy's Tattoo Arena . . .
about fifteen minutes. And don't tell no one you've heard from me!
Cheers!

6. Interior. MICHAEL's office. MICHAEL and ELLEN.

ANNOUNCER:
3.22pm. Michael's office. Michael and Ellen are talking business.

(Pause)

ELLEN:
What are you doing, Michael?

MICHAEL:
Drawing up a new contract for Tony Chance-Hero. One that he can't say
no to.

ELLEN:
But I didn't agree to increase his wages by triple the rate of
inflation! Michael - are you trying to run us into the ground?

MICHAEL:
I'm trying to captain this ship, Ellen. Trying to keep her afloat.
That's all.

ELLEN:
But!

MICHAEL:
Don't huff, Ellen darling; you're not a steam iron.

ELLEN:
Michael - before we were married you promised me the moon and all the
world. What happened to that Michael, darling? (Gently) Eh?

MICHAEL:
I haven't got time for this now.

(Enter OLIVIA)

MICHAEL:
Olivia! Any news of the missing tape? It's crucial that we get it back
within the next ten minutes if we're to have any hope of broadcasting
it on our station tonight!

OLIVIA:
I'm sorry, Mr.Macintyre, sir. No sign of it as yet.

(Pause)

MICHAEL (Sighs. Slowly):
Olivia. Get me a large scotch.

OLIVIA:
Ice and . . . lemon?

(A knock at the door. Enter TONY)

ELLEN:
Tony Chance-Hero. So glad you could join us in the big office.
Coffee?

TONY:
This is business, not pleasure, Mrs.Macintyre. But as you ask, white,
with two lumps please.

MICHAEL:
Tony - I've got a new contract drawn up for you here - you only need to
sign - .

TONY:
I'll sign it.

MICHAEL:
You will?

TONY:
Of course. I love this place. After my mansion in Essex and palace in
Barbados it's like a second home to me. I'll sign it now. But first - I
need to look at the preview tape of tonight's edition of "Regretfully
Speaking". There are a couple of nick and cut edits I'd like to make
before it goes on air. Is that okay? (Long pause) Er, why are you all
looking so pale? Hey - ! What's this? The cupboard where all my
programme tapes are normally kept is bare! Where is my programme? I
won't sign a contract until I've seen my programme!

(Pause)

ANNOUNCER:
Will Tony sign a new six-month contract? Will his agent find out? Will
Ellen and Michael's love get a badly needed second wind? Will Rodney
sell Tony's prized tape to Billy the pirate? Be sure to be tuning in in
good time to the next exciting instalment of CHANNEL Z. Television
whose bark and bite are generally at about the same level of
unpleasantness.