X - Oh Vision'ry

Oh Vision'ry

Darkness is like a drug. It floods your system and leaves you helpless,
but it also exhilarates you in ways you never knew. It hides the flaws
and shrouds the pain. You could be anyone, in the dark. It's the
strongest high you'll ever know, when it blankets you softly.

Of course, not everyone appreciates it. You see, there's another kind
of darkness. The one between the eyes. The one where you hide
everything you hate, including the hate. That one scares you. In there
is there is your potential, in there is what binds you to everyone you
hate as long as you're in the light. In there are you, waiting for
night to fall.

You sit in your houses and stand under your streetlights. An island
against the encroaching night, a golden glow that lets you pretend. But
when you look outside, you see the darkness and you wonder what lurks
in it. You wonder if you could lurk out there.

I do. I lurk. I'm under a streetlight, actually, but it went out a long
time ago. The only light I have is a cigarette. The death light.

Can you see my face? No. Can you see my eyes? Yes, they glint in the
deathlight, but the burning embers don't belong to the white stick.
They're all my own, glowing in there. See, I dared to take a light to
that inner darkness and see what was kept there. It ain't pleasant,
pet, but at least I know what's there. The unknown is always more
frightening, you know? Actually, that's a lie. If you knew what lurks
in the dark, you'd never go out again.

What are you going to do when the Angels come? Fire and brimstone,
you're going down. Original sin, and all that. If you believe. I don't.
But still, at least fire and brimstone would shed a light on this
infernal darkness, aye? But right now you don't want that light. Eve's
sin lives in you and me, Hon, but I've capitalised on it.

Oh, I see. You want to know my name. You think I'd give it out just
like that? You want to put a name on the nameless, so you can identify
and classify and unify it. You want it all nice and ordered and where
you can see it. Baby, my name is Chaos. When you close your eyes, it
should all be dark. See those patterns? That's me. I'm the nameless
colours that only show themselves when you shouldn't be able to see a
bloody thing.

Yeah, Chaos. Death, destruction and mayhem. Darkness.

Fear. Terror. Horror.

Uncontrollable.

Alone.

Fuck do I hate it.

Really, I do. I know what's in the darkness, and it ain't pleasant, but
I know. And all knowledge has a price, whether it be loss of ignorance
or death, there's a price. This knowledge? If I believed in such
things, I'd say I sold my soul for it. Humans only use one tenth of
their minds, you know that? I know what's in the other nine tenths.
Pandora ain't got nothing on me; I opened all the boxes and the worse
is yet to come.

Oh vision'ry, oh vision'ry,
Child of hope and misery.
You said what I wanted to hear,
You lied and laughed, bittersweet seer.
So kindly cruel, so cruelly kind
You broke my heart and raped my mind.

So, would you invite me in? Course not. But one girl did. Stupid bint
thought she was being nice to some poor tramp. Chaos don't have a
pretty face, mon cherie. And it can't afford decent clothes. Heh.

Yeah, so, she invited me in. Gave me hot chocolate. That's a new one. I
was sitting in her front room, gloved hands wrapped around a mug with
the jolly motto 'As soon as I have time I'm going to have a nervous
breakdown' plastered on it and wondering how the fuck to rink it
without letting any part of my face show.

You didn't know that? Look at me. Can you see me? No, just my eyes.
Sometimes, I wonder if that's all I am, eyes and a deathstick. But no.
She invited me into the light and I stood there in the white and blue
room feeling like an idiot in all my clothes. Black gloves, black
trousers, black boots, black top, black cloak with black hood and black
scarf covering most of my face. She didn't even give me a second
glance. Guess she thought I was some religious guy. Heh.

So, I sat on her white leather couch with the cheerful mug and tried to
make polite conversation. I'd forgotten how. What do you say to people?
I didn't start my whole darkness spiel, if that's what you're
wondering. I asked her her name. I know, I know, such a hypocrite,
wouldn't give you mine? except I did. Once, yeah, I had a real name,
but that darkness between the eyes is older than man, older than God.
Comes first and follows after, kills joy and swallows laughter.
Darkness. Chaos. It's all I am, now.

Her name, if you were wondering, was Cindy Bane. So what name did I
give her? Well, there's not much you can makes out of chaos, except,
well, the whole of creation, but that's another story. Acosh, I told
her. Sounds like a bloody demon. That's what you get for last minute
anagrams.

She asked me what I did, where I was from. Made me head spin. What do I
do? Hang around in the darkness and put souls back where they belong?
Where am I from? Hell, Heaven, here and there, bit of this bit of that.
What did I say? I shrugged. Yeah, I'm chickenshit.

Oh vision'ry, oh vision'ry
Filled me with hope and misery.
Now you're gone and I'm still here
Alone in the darkness, my dear,
Beautiful child, glowing up there
While I'm stuck here, and you don't care.

We talked and we joked and we smiled. Well, she smiled. She couldn't
tell what I was doing under the scarf. We danced around a hundred
subjects, never touching on any truth. She never asked why I hung
around in the dark, she never questioned why I was so wrapped up, she
never commented on my eyes. I never queried why a beautiful young woman
would take in a young man off the streets. Perhaps that was my worst
mistake.

She invited me to stay the night. Yeah. Shit. It's been one hell of a
long time since that's happened. Not since before? well, before. When I
had a name and a place and a job that I could put on CV.

I declined.

She accepted it.

I slept on the couch that night. Well, I don't sleep, but I sat there
and thought. I'd just turned down a gorgeous lass. Why? Because I've
opened Pandora's other boxes, and that puts you right off, let me tell
you. I might have killed her. I'm not allowed to do that.

I don't believe in God, but there're more powerful things and you out
there. Me, for a start. The darkness. It purred and called me. I joined
it.

I don't know what happened the next morning, when she couldn't find me.
She doesn't strike me as the sort of girl who'd be particularly upset,
once she'd checked all the silver was still there. Which it was. Let me
make it clear, I didn't run. I sat there all night. But day I don't do.
Sun came up, I followed the night. There's only one night, forever
circling the planet, chasing the day. In some future era, it's going to
catch up.

The next evening I was back there. Deathstick and all, sitting on her
couch. She wasn't surprised to see me.

Bet you're wondering something, aren't you? How can I smoke if I've got
a scarf over my fucking mouth? It's wrapped round more than once,
that's how. There's a slit.

No preamble this time. She asked me to sleep with her. I declined. We
sat and chatted. She went to bed, sun came up, I disappeared.
Reappeared next evening. She wanted me to fuck her. I said no. We
talked. She slept, dawn came?

This went on for more nights than I can count. She knew. Dammit, she
figured it out. She saw the embers and she wanted them. Fucking freaked
me out. So why did I keep going back? She could see me. Most people,
they don't look, so they can't see. They don't listen, so they won't
hear. She did both. Hell, she even wanted to touch.

Once, I was a man. I knew carnal pleasures. Hell, enough with the
flowery - I fucked a hell of a lot of people. I smoked like a chimney,
drank like a fish and fucked like a rabbit. I was one of them, you
know. Those dissatisfied young men that have populated the centuries.
Life wasn't good enough for the likes of me.

So I did a bit of research, learnt a little meditation, did several
different combinations of drugs, got in the dark magic and eventually
burnt myself out. None of that crap will get you what you want. Well,
what I wanted. I was lying in an alley, deathstick clamped between my
lips, when a guy came up to me. I could see the embers. Like darling
Cindy, I wanted them.

I told him so. He was a little less discriminating than me. He told me
the key, and whoosh, suddenly I knew. I knew everything. This is how
Eve felt, this is what Adam experienced. Fruit of knowledge. No wonder
it was fucking forbidden. Advice - when people tell you not to touch,
there's generally a good reason. I never got that while I lived, but I
know now.

I fucked him a handful of times. It was fun. Closest thing to a
relationship I've ever had. Then he told me what I had to do.

I've always been a rebel, an anarchist, a hellraiser, but this was a
cause to really fight for. There was no fucking way I was going to do
what he said.

Cut a long story short? I am. I lost. I got hooked on the darkness drug
and now I'm suffering the side effects. But what effects! Sometimes, I
think they're almost as good as the drug. Sometimes, they're the worst
downer possible.

Cindy got bored waiting. She kicked me out one night. She found him,
later on. Seen her running the circuit a few times. She ain't lonely.
Hell, she loves this, like him. They're damn suited. She not only loved
the knowledge, she loves paying the price. Makes me wonder what sort of
girl she really was. Eve ain't got nothing on her. Cindy didn't need no
snake, and she made fucking apple fucking pie. And she's looking to
share.

Oh vision'ry, oh vision'ry,
Alone with hope and misery.
Pandora's box, so full of pain,
Eve's apple, knowledge to take sane
And make insane, make me and you
Do thing we never thought we'd do.

You're still waiting, aren't you? You want the moral of the story, and
meaning behind my fable. You still want to know who I am, what I do,
why I'm here.

I said my name is Chaos. Not overly true. Most people know me by my job
description.

Death.

I swear, you won't feel a thing, mon cherie. Welcome to the
darkness.

Oh vision'ry, oh vision'ry
I'll fill you with my misery
I'll make scream and feel my hurt
As they bury you in the dirt
My name is Chaos, my name is Death,
You'll be screaming with your last breath.