Z - Halfway to Heaven, Halfway to Hell

Halfway to Heaven, Halfway to Hell

Welcome to heaven and welcome to hell,
We hope you're happy here,
We wish you well.

Ah, hello. No, shut up. Just, shut up. I know what you want. You're an
idiot.

Hey! You can't hit me. You're dead.

? You didn't know that? Over there, the guy licking the gun. Yeah, he's
a fucking idiot. Burnt his tongue now. Look, what do you want me to do?
The limit of my powers is appearing to him and making you want the
knowledge. Besides, who are you to judge?

Don't play cute with me; you know what I'm talking about. You've opened
nine boxes out of the ten. Okay, however you want to think of it. I
think of it as boxes. There's ten life experiences, each providing you
with a key to open another tenth of your mind. The first is being born,
the ninth is dying.

No, I will not give you the fucking tenth. Just be glad you got me,
okay? I'm going to tell you the price first, tell you what we do. Then
you can make up your mind. Of course, there aren't that many options
left open to you now. You're stuck here.

Look at me. What do you see? Guy in black. Lots of black. Look at my
eyes.

I know, the burning. It's what you want. Let me tell you, if you had
known what it would cost you when you first saw it, you would never
have started looking.

I am Death. Well, one of.

Yes, I'm sure.

Look, I just separated your soul from your body, didn't I?

Of course I didn't fucking kill you! I'm Death. That bastard with the
burnt tongue is the murderer. I send people on, to wherever the fuck
they go. Hell, heaven, reincarnation. I don't know. I'm stuck here.
Anyone who knows is. Me and you, we know too much.

Always, you knew what you thought you wanted
Now you're here, aren't you scared,
Aren't you daunted?

Look, I'll try to explain. Got a deathstick? A fag, for heaven's sake.
Got one? Not even the memory of one? Damn. They always give me weird
looks in the newsagents.

Come with me. I'll pick up some cigarettes on the way. I've got
somewhere else to be, you see, and we need to bugger off before Damien
gets here. He'd give you the last key as soon as he saw you, and you'll
regret it for eternity.

My name is Chaos.

It's not what you thought, you knew, my dear friend.
This is your purgat'ry,
This is your end.

Fine, Cruce then. I'm Death! Do I look like I care if you think my name
is bloody pretentious?

Once, I was human, like you. Met Damien, I think, started looking for
knowledge, and no doubt you can guess the rest. I died, and there he
was. He showed me the path to omniscience. I took it greedily. I have
regretted it ever since.

Let explain something about the knowledge to you. We're only omniscient
in the present. I know what every other person on the planet knows. I
know nothing they've forgotten, and I know nothing they haven't learnt
yet. It's surprisingly restricting. There are some of us who could be
centuries old, older. They don't know. After a while, there's no sense
of self. Just of them. You forget your past.

I wrote mine down. I don't really know why. The others, they've done
the same. Damien suggested it. It's a sort of rebellion, but we don't
know what we're rebelling against. Cindy's is particularly dull. We
have to be careful about sharing though.

Do you want to know what I look like, without all these robes?

So do I, come to think of it. I know what I looked like, when I was
human, but now? As far as I know, I'm just robes and eyes. And probably
the mouth. I talk a lot, and I need somewhere to stick the fag, so,
yeah, a mouth.

I can make myself corporeal, you know. That's how people see us, how we
tell them about the knowledge. I made the mistake once of believing
that one day there'd be more of us than them. We won't. We fade, until
we're just knowledge, even less substantial than you are now. Just a
constantly changing memory. So we make more, we seduce others to join
us.

When I'm corporeal, I'm human. Well, on the outside. I don't think I
have an inside. Too much stuff to manifest, and the detail is
horrendous. I know every little bit, every intestine, every vein, every
fat globule? I know, you've already found that self-awareness. Not all
that pleasant, is it? I avoid it on purpose. Just a shell. All, it
means I get to avoid having to do things like eat or crap. You can't
dematerialise if you've got something inside you. One of us, don't know
his name, tried it. He ended up spending three days straight on planes,
trying to keep ahead of the dawn.

I wonder, what would have happened if he failed? There's a
thought.

This is eternity, here you are trapped
Immortal, forever,
Your future mapped

Look, I'm going to nick some fags. Stay here, okay? Try not to blow
away on the wind. Watch, I'll materialise. Always in the shadows, you
note. Can't?

"? do it else where. Something about the sudden appearance. Great, now
that couple think I'm talking to myself.

"Look, I'm not advocating theft or anything, but I don't get paid for
this, okay? And, well, I like fags. I guess I'm still addicted, though
that doesn't make much sense. I like the image. A sort of post-modern
Death, all revolver and cigarette.

"I don't know where you are, I can't see you. Disadvantage of this
form. But I'm not switching back till I've finished this one, at least.
The rest I have to kill, in a way. Make them like us. I can make them
reappear as well, if I want.

"Sweet nicotine, who I do worship thee!

"What, you don't smoke? Good for you. There, done."

What do you mean you need to take a piss? You don't have a fucking
bladder! Seriously, you can't. Really, you have no form whatsoever.
What I see is what you think of yourself as looking like. You're
clinging to your old body image. Heh, if you were anorexic, that image
would be a fair bit larger. It always amuses me when people have
distorted body images. It shouldn't, but I've got to get my kicks
somehow.

No, even if you have an imaginary body, you still can't take an
imaginary piss. You're a cloud. Less than that. You're a handful of
energy. Ever seen 2001? Ever read it? You're an energy lattice. You're
brain without the mushy bits, just the zaps between the neurones.

Oh, me too, but part of the last box is knowing how to turn those zaps
into a whole body.

Look, you're distracting me. This is serious. You still have no idea
what this is like.

Did you know the cost you'd pay, when you said
Yes and please, and when you let
Yourself be led?

There is no day. You will never see another sun rise. You will never
see another sunset. You will avoid bright lights. Fire with hurt you.
It's something to do with photons and the energy lattice. Light
kills.

Think about it, hon. You are now trapped in the dark. You will chase
the same night around and around the around the world until it stops
spinning. We're here for eternity.

Somewhere, there is paradise. Somewhere there is hell. There's eternal
bliss. There's eternal torment. Me and you, we don't get to see either.
We don't even get to reincarnate. We never get a second bash at it. Our
mistakes, they're done and dusted, No matter how sorry we are, we can't
go back.

Any regrets? Yeah, a few. Nine boxes worth. And, well, I miss
University. I was doing a classics degree. I enjoyed it. Now, I'm dead.
I'm Death.

That's the worst bit. You can't comprehend unless you've got it all. We
let the souls go. We send them on. We never get even a glimpse of where
we're sending them. But we know. We know the pain and fear and anguish
as they die, we know the joy as they ascend. We know everything. And
they're happy, mostly.

We know what we're missing. We know that they hate us, or pity us, or
don't even notice us. We know that we have a duty. We know what happens
if we don't fulfil it. We know death, inside and out. Every nuance.
Like you know your body, I know it. I know every little thing that can
go wrong. I know every emotion that hit you as you died. I know every
pain and twitch and shudder. I know what could have been and what
should have been and what might have been, and I know that we've
deprived you of it.

Deprivation.

I know what is it like, I know the facts
I made a mistake, made
Too many pacts

So what if I'm crying? It hurts, dammit! I know I've made a mistake!
I've said I'm sorry. I know what I would do to make it better. I even
know how to make it up to whoever controls these things. But no matter
what, I'm stuck here. No matter how sorry, no matter how repentant, no
matter what I do or how I feel or who I save, I'm trapped. I'm trapped
until I cease to exist. I'm here for eternity.

Thank you, that means something, sort of. Yeah, thanks. Doesn't help
though.

See, it's like those stories. The ones where things get really tough.
The hero has done some terrible shit, and is being made to pay. But
see, they're forgiven. Even the bad guy, even he gets let out for good
behaviour, eventually. We don't. I can pay for eternity, and? there is
no and. I just pay.

I watch people like you, people who search, and I weep for you. See
that girl? She's met Cindy. She's just starting out. Now she knows the
boxes are there to open, she can. Any of the keys will do it. Once one
of them is open, once she knows something, anything, she's trapped. She
either goes all the way or she gets stuck here.

I thought you could. Feel them, I mean. There's millions flitting
around. The lost souls. The ones damned to eternal purgatory. The
weakest, they only managed one box. Those who opened all the way up to
number eight, they're the ones you get real glimpses of. Faces,
memories, emotions. Like that guy. He hangs around here. He's 60\%, and
not long gone. Still, all you can see is his eyes.

I used to cry for them too, 'til I realised it was pointless. They're
just like us, except they didn't get enough time. Yeah, I know all of
them as well. Every sensation, every history, every moment of bitter
resentment to those of us that made it.

I don't know what happens to 90 percents, like you. None have ever
refused the last box. If Damien finds you, nor will you. He'll open it
for you, and then you're one of us. If you manage to hang on, you'll be
the strongest. You'll be like us, but unable to materialise, basically.
Well, you'll know less, too. You know yourself. The first nine boxes,
that's all about you. The last one, that holds the key to everyone
else. The tenth box leaves you open.

I wanted too much and now I am here;
Lost, alone, hated;
Drowning in fear

What religion were you? Really. Well, I never. See, I guess I was born
Christian, but my faith kinda got lost. I always had a passion for the
Greek myths, hence the whole box thing. Pandora's box, pet. Yeah, now
you get it. That's why I took classics, anyway. I think. I wrote that
done.

Look, this is another guy. Never knew us, lived happily, all that crap.
Maybe you'll be able to tag a lift.

Look, it's just a wall. We can both go straight through it. See? Give
it a little while, and you won't even be able to see the wall. All
you'll see are people and souls. Even I can only know the solid through
them.

Sweet old gent, ain't he? Eightyish, he thinks. Sheets are a bit
yellow, aren't they? Maybe they're meant to be like that. Are, you can
feel it, can't you. Heart stopping? and? there. He's free.

Evenin', sir.

Well, fine, don't say nothing. Didn't even see me.

Still here? I guess you can't nab a lift. You could feel it though,
couldn't you? The pull. I feel it every time. And I do this thousands
of times a? hundred of time each hour. You can't use nights or days
here.

Imagine it, every time. And sometimes they're not willing. That's
pretty rough. And went you won't pass on, and you have to persuade
them? it's not pleasant. None of this is. He was a nice enough old
chap, did well, was nice, but he still died. I hate the way people
think that just by being good they'll live forever. They don't realise
that they wouldn't want to.

I made my mistake, just like you made yours.
Never knew it would close
So many doors.

So what do you want? Do you want to join me? You want to be a Death?
Soul stealer, harbinger, ghost? It's fucking terrible. Would you enjoy
it? Damien does, Cindy does. They love the knowledge. They love the
pain. They love seducing people like you.

God, you're going to start me crying again. That's the problem with
being nothing but eyes. Sorry. I? I wanted to forget. You're as trapped
as me. I guess, I better? I ought.

Are you sure? I don't know what it'll be like. No one's ever done it
before. You'll have to stay out of Cindy and Damien's ways. They'll
know, of course. They might change you just to spite me.

Well, welcome to purgatory. Feel free to explore, but don't feel
obliged to hurry. Enjoy your stay.

Can't do it alone, can't live, not this way.
Please don't go, don't leave, please
Say you will stay.

This place isn't heaven, nor is it hell.
It's limbo eternal,
Sound the death's bell.

It tolls for the dead, for you and for I,
Lost souls and damned souls, and
Those who can't die.