Bert's Saucer

Bert saw a flying saucer once.
It was an awful sight.
He said he nearly wet himself
It gave him such a fright.

And ever since that fateful day
He'd saucers on the brain,
He'd bend your ear for hours on end
He really was a pain.

We mocked him in the 'Strangled Stoat'
Till he went off in a huff.
That didn't worry us at all,
I mean, enough's enough.

He took to prowling after dark,
Or working in his shed.
You'd see the light on really late,
When folk should be in bed.

One night he staggered into pub.
He looked like he were dead.
We cried, "Are Martians coming, then?"
"Coming? They're here!" he said.

"You mean those little green men we've seen
Around the place," said we.
"Nay," said Bert, "they're not like that
They look like you and me."

"They're taking over everywhere
The whole world, like as not.
But they don't know about the secret
Weapon that I've got.

"I've developed a detector
That tells you when one's near.
Once in production it will settle
Their hash, never fear.

I'll contact the authorities
Show them the proof I've got.
They'll have to take some action then
To foil this wicked plot."

"Where is this gadget then, we'd like
To have a look," we said.
"Carry it around? I'm not that daft
It's locked up in me shed.

"If they got wind of what I've got,"
He said with nervous glance,
"They'd eliminate me right away
I wouldn't stand a chance.

"So if something should happen to me,
If I vanish without trace
You lot will have to carry on
And save the human race."

"Of course," we said, "depend on us,
We'll walk you home tonight.
We'll make sure nowt happens to you.
Don't fret, we'll see you right."

And so we did. We too a risk,
But they say "Who dares wins".
Bert's on his way to Rigel now,
With the other specimens.