A Journey Through Change

Seven months ago the company I worked for folded and I lost my Job. I can now say it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Leading up to that day, my health had deteriorated. I had put on a lot of weight and my back was getting worse by the day making it difficult to walk more than a few yards. I was finding that I could not fit into clothes that I had only bought a few months previously. At the peak of it I was almost confined to my office chair and I found myself making excuses not to move because it hurt too much. I would get in the car just to go to the shop at the end of my road, anything to avoid walking. When I tell you that the shop at the end of my road is less than five hundred yards from my front door, you begin to get the idea.

Although I knew I had a problem, I had not yet admitted it to myself and did not fully understood what the implications were. I was in counselling and going through the motions. I was still binge eating with every opportunity I got. Most of the counselling sessions were taken up with work related issues and when I lost my job the sessions were dealing with that rather than the real problem. When the counselling came to the end I realised had not really dealt with the biggest problem in my life.

I was then put in contact with a hypnotherapist. He recommended I try the ‘Lighter Life’ diet. I agreed to it but looking back I realise this was not my decision and I found myself putting it off until after Christmas. My reasoning for it was very good on the surface, but deep down I was not ready to give up eating nor did I really want too. At this point I had not told anybody much about any of this. The only people who really knew anything was my long suffering housemate and my Mum.

The first realisation came one Saturday night. I had just been for a meal with my friends and they were going on to a bar. I knew I could not walk down there without considerable pain, so I made the usual excuses and let them go off with out me. As I sat there I began to get more depressed, I was missing out on having a laugh at bar with my mates because I was overweight and unfit. That was the crux of it plain and simple. It was at this moment the first switch flicked in my head. Right there and then I knew for the first time, I really hated missing out, it sucked!!! Something had to be done about my weight and I was the only bugger who could do anything about it. What surprised me was I felt I had in me to do it if I really wanted to. I sent and e-mail to all my friends and family admitting how unfit I was and in pain I was. I informed them that I intended to join ‘Lighter Life’ after Christmas. I knew by doing this they would hold me to it and that is what I wanted. Burning my bridges so to speak. After I sent the e-mail I phoned ‘Lighter Life’ and joined. For a while I went back to my normal daily eating activities, but something was different, I did not enjoy it. I found myself wanting the end of Christmas to come about really quickly so I could get going.

Soon enough it did. I rolled or waddled up on the Thursday evening, £60 in hand to collect my first weeks food packs, not really knowing quite what I was taken on but at the same time happy because I was now doing something about it. I stepped on the scales knowing I was heavy but even I was not expecting how heavy. Bang on twenty-seven stone, just great. I had put nearly five stone on in just over a year. I was horrified. It had a good effect on the other hand, because now I was even more committed. Screw being twenty-seven stone – that sucked balls.

The first day was hard; I was not eating anything but these soups and shakes. I had gone from one extreme to the other. After the third or forth day of this it was becoming apparent that the food packs were horrid and making me feel sick. If I got whiff of the chicken one I would have to step outside and stop myself puking. Things got worse, I was not cheating but was avoiding eating the food packs, so I found myself not eating anything at all. I was deeply depressed because I really did not want to give up now I had started. I had poured so much into this. The thought of giving up after five days was literally killing me. My mum was becoming worried and when I admitted I had not had anything to eat in a day and half I was marched down to the doctors as mothers do. It turned out I was reacting to something in the food pack and the feeling of nausea was not just in my head. This knowledge did not help me. Infact I just felt worse. Now of all the reasons to give up it had to be bloody medical. The irony escaped me at the time.

I was really down and still not eating. Then mum who had been quietly mentioning Weight Watchers for some time, bought up the subject again. Although at first I did not like idea, I soon changed my mind. I could still carry on. I had not eaten for six days, me fat boy Keith, nothing. If I could do that, then I could do this. My mum convinced me it was the best course of action, if we mixed the Weigh Watchers way with cutting down dairy and carbs, something I had tried before with good results, I could carry on and I would not be giving up on my goal. So I went and got myself a sandwich and eat for the first time in days and boy it was good. I then went home and told my house mate what I was doing, he breathed a sigh of relief and admitted that he was concerned when I was doing the ‘Lighter Life’, he thought that not eating anything but liquid food packs was not natural and I believe now he was right. I told the rest of my mates hoping they would see that this was not me giving up. I knew I wanted this and I needed everybody to understand that and it seemed that they did.

So the next Monday I went down to Weight Watchers and joined. I got weighed and in a week I had lost half a stone. I was amazed and now even more spurred on. I took to it with a lot more ease than I had ever done before. I was making fruit smoothies in the morning, eating healthy lunches and dinners. In just two weeks, I had lost my first stone, whoop whoop. That was a good feeling.

Yet there were still dark clouds in my head that would not go away. I had chucked in the hypno because to be honest I had felt that it was not working which sounds odd considering. I had gone there to find out why I was the way I was, as much as anything, and although I was doing well, I still did not have answers I was looking for. I felt that most of this had been done off my own back rather than the hypnotherapist. I felt pushed into trying ‘Lighter Life’ and it had not been right for me. It did not really teach me anything about eating.

Feeling a bit let down by this I did not know where to turn next. I knew I needed to loosen this stuff up in my head if I was to continue with the weight loss. My mum in her wisdom found me a Human Givens councillor. Human Givens is almost a cross between light hypnotherapy and counselling. It combines talking and relaxing with some pretty unique ways of dealing with the past. When I first went there I was a bit sceptical but I was willing to try anything. The first few session were spent talking about my past at home and school. I was asked questions that I found difficult to answer, then came the biggie. I was asked what do I feel when I eat. Feel when I eat, what the hell does that mean? I don’t feel anything, its – umm – food, eat, done – umm more food, that was about all that went through my head, there were no underlying feelings. The counsellor did not believe me, she knew better, thank God. So she told me to close my eyes and relax then asked the same question. Again I could not really answer it so she started taking me back through school to my earliest memories of eating and wanting to eat. And slowly, very slowly a thought was un-fogging in my head, I am different, I am not the same to everybody around me, I am not the way I should be, something is wrong with me. This was the second switch flicking. The more we talked the more that I realised that I had always felt this. I was able to remember having this thought even at pre-school. It is amazing what you can remember when you close your eyes and just relax. I was remembering all the times I had felt this, even identifying where my subconscious was thinking this.?“There you go” She said, “there is your answer”.?“F**K”. She was right, the answer to why I was the way I was and not a number 42 in site. It was like a great big giant floodlight turning on in my head. I could understand everything. “You are not different’ she said, “There is nothing wrong with you, your needs have not been met in life and you have not know how to ask for them to be met, so instead you make substitutions”. No prizes for what mine were. I can’t really put down into words what that day was like. The realisation and the understanding was biggest thing ever to happen to me. I can say right now, hand on heart, on this day my life changed forever.

Because this realisation was so big and I had sought after it for so long, I was in a daze for several weeks, I had to go through it all in my head. Little did I know the biggest was yet to come.?A few weeks after this I was moving along still not completely away from the dark clouds. I wanted people to see this new me. I knew I was a changed man, nevertheless I felt that people were still not seeing past the weight issue. I yearned for people to see the real me.

I admitted this to a close friend the weekend before I was due to start training up in London. She told me it was all about confidence. I pondered over this on the Sunday and decided that I could do this, besides I had my answers, I knew I was no different to you or the next person. Why should I not be confident about myself? I am a nice guy or so people tell me, why didn’t I believe that. Stop thinking people are just seeing a fat guy and get out there.

This was the beginning of the third and most important switch flicking over. The light came on the next day up in London. I was talking to people with a newfound confidence. Engaging in conversation with anyone and everyone that I could. Several months earlier I would have avoided this and kept myself to myself, however I knew there was nothing different about me, I was Keith and for the first time I can remembered I was cool with myself. It might sound pig headed but its not. You have to be able to get on with yourself before you can do anything great with your life. If you don’t like your self it really holds you back, believe me, I know. That first day coming home I was smiling and felt truly happy, I had never felt like this, I was content with myself and my life. I could walk and cycle without pain. Nothing was holding me back anymore.

I have not looked back since. When the dark clouds begin to gather in my head, I am able to blow them away with relative ease, something I have not been able to do before. I had my answers, I no longer needed to give in to depressing thoughts, they did not rule me now. The nagging voices in my head that told me I was a different no good misfit were not shouts but whispers, whispers I did not have to listen too. To hell with them, they no longer ruled me, I, me, Keith did and that was the end of it.

I have learnt that nobody but yourself can really change your life, yet people can help and I am no exception. I have had help from three wonderful women and without them I believe my journey would have been next to impossible. The first and foremost is my Mum; she has been my rock through out this and pushed me to continue. She has financially backed me, which has kept me afloat. This has been more of help than she knows. I am not sure I will ever truly be able to repay this but I want everyone to know I could not ask for better Mum, I love her to bits, I don’t care who knows and thank you for just being you.

The second is Helen, the brilliant Human Given councillor who without, I would never have been able to answer the biggest question of my life, why? I know I have banged on abut this, but that answer followed by the eureka moment changed my life and she helped me achieve it, thank you.

The third is my amazing friend Nicki who has over years put up with me, listened to my winging countless times and still given me the advice even though she knew it was going in one ear and out the other. All I can say is I heard you this time, I really did. It was Nix that put idea in my head that I was missing out which lead to this journey. Thank you, that kick in the rear end quite possibly saved my life.

My house mate Chris and my friends are also worth a mention. I cannot tell you amount of times I have bitten of their heads when they have been trying to help me. They have supported me even though they knew I was more than lightly going to give up, after all this, they have been there every step of this journey, with out all of these people I am not sure I would be sitting here in Costa Coffee with my Apple Mac, looking all poncie, writing this blog. I truly believe all these people have had hand in saving my life and I am bloody lucky man to have them in my life. Thanks Dudes Ya all rule!?I am changed person and although the journey is by no means over I know now that I will not fall off the wagon, I will reach my goal and to hell with anything that gets in my way….