Playing with Time Chapter 2: Oscar (the time machine)

By the murph

Wed, 16 Nov 2011
  • 473 reads
4 comments
 

I wake to find myself slumped in a large leather chair, the taste of a good night out in my mouth, bemused I look round the room and croak,
“Where the hell am I?” then a monotone voice comes from somewhere behind myself and the chair and asks,
“Can you rephrase the question?” the voice also sounds artificial but a little bamboozled, realizing I am not alone I jump to my feet and look around the unusual room, with a frown washing my face, I shout,
“Who said that?” still carrying the frown, and still very much dazed and if possible even more confused, after this subsides I begin to study this odd room in greater-detail. The walls are a silvery colour, like polished steel; the edges between the walls, floor and the ceiling are imperceptible, although the room appears square, it also looks circular, which is extremely un-nerving to say the least. Opposite the huge chair there is, what could only be described as a large puddle, which is perfectly smooth unblemished by stone or tide, however this no normal pool of water, as it is suspended vertically from the wall and is reflecting a mirror image of the entire room, but not the chair or me. Immediately in front of this mirror imitating puddle, is a freshly painted railing that stands about four foot high and runs from one end of the room to the other, separating the mirror from the room.

Certificate 15
Story
Science fiction

Comments

Submitted by the murph on
This is the second chapter for my book 'Playing with Time' which is available on kindle, the story is about time travel and and connor's journey home and how he has make sure history does not change, Playing with Time will hopefully make you think and consider the fact that there is a reason for everything!

Submitted by scratch on
Welcome the murph. I do like a good time travel story - one of my all time favourites is a short sci-fi story by Ray Bradbury "Sound of Thunder", 1952 (I think). Your story is sound (although I must confess that I haven't read all of it - more of that later). A couple of points if I may murph? Telling the story is the easy bit - and from what I have read you tell yours well. The hard bit is the less indulgent side of things, the editing and re-editing and drafting and re-drafting 'till you’re sick of the site of the thing. You must make sure that you have done everything that is humanly possible to prevent the reader from being distracted by the selection of clumsy words, inaccurate punctuation or poor spelling. There are a couple of examples that I would like you to consider. “bemused I look round the room and crock” I think you wanted to write “croak”? And “then a monochrome voice”. Monochrome describes colour (or lack of it) “monotone” describes sound and would be more appropriate. And “although the room appears square, it also looks circular, which is for no apparent reason extremely un-nerving”. Think about a re-phrase here murph, if a room simultaneously appears both square and circular surely that is apparent reason enough to un-nerve? Finally would recommend that you consider posting multiple small sections, I think that you will find that many readers cannot devote the time (nor have the inclination) to read large tranches of text no matter the quality. Please remember murf this represents only my wholly subjective opinion and is posted in good part. Scratch.

 

Submitted by the murph on
Hi Scratch Thank you so much for the comments Scratch and saying the story is 'sound', have to say that you would not believe how sacred I was of receiving a comment (you are the first... ever). I am my own worsted enemy when it comes to editing, and depend a lot on spell check (with all its failings) for the amount of times I've reread... I think I've become word blind to the obvious, I believe the story is good, but I am still not sure, about my style, i don't write in 'first person' I just believed this story required it. I will take all your comments on board, and the edits will be forthcoming. Once again thanks Scratch for taking the time to help a novice

Submitted by scratch on
Nice one murph, I am glad that you are ok with the post. It is a good read murph - you just keep plugging away, refine your craft and ENJOY. I can fully appreciate your anxiety at receiving your first feedback I was just the same - (this is only my second week on here and I have only one poem up). From what I can see, most people are supportive and helpful. Also don't be afraid of commenting on the work of others, try to be honest and helpful and you posts will be reciprocated. Good luck, Scratch.