6

I loved going to the pantomime group when I was fifteen years old. It was full of people who didn't really know me and I got on well with everyone. I was not bullied and I had a sense of belonging in a group. This was something I had never experienced before and I would go without dinner at school for two days to afford the membership fee the group charged each week, but it was worth it though. We did a performance where I had a part of a mum and had to drag two kids out from behind a stage by their ears and I had the opportunity to learn songs, dances, and poems. For just a couple of hours once a week, I would feel like a normal person. I would go home each night to my mum hurling abuse and chores to do before bedtime, but I felt light somehow and the chores seemed easier. I heard that there was a big show coming up and it spanned the whole weekend. My best friend Lynda said I could stay with her for the whole weekend and I was so excited about the posibility of a part in the show. I tried very hard but never got a part. I was disheartened a little but i soon found out that the only reason I had been refused was because I was relatively new to the group and they like to allow everyone a part in a big production. It wouldn't be fair for a new starter to get a part when there were other members of the group who had waited years for parts. Knowing this made me feel happy that I had not been turned down for my lack of talent. They offered me a position working backstage so that I could get an idea of what goes on and how things work. They said it would be good for me to know the ins and outs for when I got a part in the next production and I was keen to learn.

On the morning of the day of the show me and Lynda and her parents went down to help set up. I was shown around backstage and given instructions on what my jobs were. After that there wasn't much else we could do so we went off for a wander. We left the stage, cut across the hall and walked through the fire exit. In front of us was a stretch of grass with some steps which led down to a lower part of the garden. The lower part of the garden was partially concealed by trees and was shaded and cooler than the upper part. It was a pretty little place and there were rabbit hutches with friendly bunnies inside. Lynda and I played in the lower garden, we lazed about under the trees and pushed our fingers in between the metal grid of the rabbit hutches to touch the soft fur of the friendly little creatures. Lynda's parents called us up and we raced up the steps and around to the car park. We helped to take things from the car and as we got half way up the hall I noticed a tall, dark haired man in his mid to late thirties. He was standing next to one of the pantomime group leaders, carrying a big box. Gillian, (the pantomime leader), introduced him as her husband and his name was Martin. I was introduced to some other adults and they shook hands with me. Martin couldn't shake hands with me because he was carrying a box. I noticed that Martin was scanning me, looking me up and down a little too deliberately and it made me feel cold. I pushed it out of my mind and thought I must be reading something into nothing. After all, why would anyone who was older and married be interested in someone like me!

As Lynda and I took the boxes backstage I noticed that there was furniture on the stage... A sofa and a chair and some other bits and pieces. I wondered how they managed to get all the props into place in such a small space of time. I remember thinking to myself that it didn't seem that we had spent that long in the garden playing, so they must have worked very hard to get it set up so quickly. Everyone was pottering about doing bits and pieces and it seemed very exciting. A little later I could hear the bustle of people as they entered the hall and sat down. I carefully peeked through the curtains and saw that there were a great many chairs, rows and rows spanning from the front of the stage to the back of the room. It looked daunting and I actually felt a bit relieved to be behind the scenes rather than on the stage! I was introduced to a tall, slim, blonde haired man who was very flirty with me and I felt rather embarrassed. Then Martin came over and they both started to talk to me, making rude comments, etc. Then for some reason they took it upon themselves to try and take my jeans off. At first is was just the blonde haired man and he seemed to be joking, almost like he was pretending to pull them down. But then Martin joined in and he was making out as though he was part of the joke but he looked serious and there was something in his expression that left me uneasy. The blonde man joked that it was his turn to try and pull them down and he held on to me under my arms whilst Martin began to pull at my jeans. He tried to undo the button at first but couldn't so he began tugging at my trouser legs instead. I could feel them slidin down a little on my hips and I grabbed the tops of them because my hands were free. Then Martin began tugging harder and he tried to pull them off. I pulled hard back to keep my jeans on and I screamed. Gillian came running over to us but by then they had let go of me and I was just lying on the floor gripping the tops of my jeans. Gillian stormed over to me. I stood up and as she got to me I noticed her face was very stern. Through gritted teeth she scolded me in a half whisper half talking aloud. She told me that if I screamed again she would make sure I was never allowed to work at another performance again. I was angry and confused and I said aloud that they had tried to pull my trousers off. This infuriated Gillian and she span around with a red face and said to shut up because there were people in the audience and they would hear me. I pleaded in a whisper that it wasn't my fault but she threw me an angry glare and stormed off. I heard smans and I turned around to see the blonde man and Martin giggling at me. Red faced I rushed off to find Lynda and told her what had happened.

After that incident the blonde man came up to me and apologised. He said he was only joking and he wouldn't have actually pulled my jeans down. Martin did not apologise and in fact he leered at me whenever he went past me. I mentioned it to the blonde man and he convinced me that Martin was only trying to wind me up so I pushed it to the back of my mind and concentrated on doing my jobs backstage. I didn't really see Martin throughout the performance, (which suited me fine). There came the sound of applause from the audience as the performance came to a close. Once the last member of the audience had left the bulding, we got ready to leave. People were taking things to cars and most of the adults were stood outside talking together. I noticed that Martin was talking to Lynda's parents so when I realised that my bicycle lock key had fallen out of my pocket I decided it was safe to look for it. My first thought was that I might have lost it when Martin had been tugging at my trousers. I was standing backstage near the sofa when that happened so I retraced my footsteps. The stage lighting had been turned off so I had to squint and keep my head down as I walked along. I couldn't see my key anywhere so I checked around to make sure Martin wasn't about and I hopped on stage to check around the furniture in case it had been kicked underneath or something. On stage it was even darker than backstage, and the curtains were drawn making it darker still. I got down on my hands and knees and started to feel along the floor, hoping that my fingertips would find my bike lock key. As I searched I heard someone come towards the stage. I leapt to my feet and Martin appeared from behind the curtain. He said that Lynda had told him I was looking for my bike lock key and he had come to help me. I stood still watching him, feeling cold and scared in the darkness. He moved across to the other side of the stage and started to look on the floor and behind the chair. I started looking again thinking that maybe I had no reason to be wary of Martin at all and I had an overactive imagination. Maybe he was just trying to be helpful after all!

I looked over to where he was once looking for the key on the other side of the stage but he had vanished. This made me jump and I took a step backwards, only to walk straight into Martin. He seemed so tall, strong, powerful and scary. His face looked menacing in the shadows with the limited lighting available. He leered at me as grabbed my waist with one hand and groped my breasts with the other. I didn't know what to do. I just stood there as he groped me. I was even too scared to scream. I felt powerless and I thought if I screamed again I might upset Gillian and get kicked out of the pantomime group. The one thing that kept me going when life was tough on me was that group and I couldn't lose my place. Also I didn't think anyone would believe me after what happened with Gillian when my jeans were very nearly pulled down. Eventually I snapped to and a struggle ensued. I heard someone coming towards us from outside. It was someone looking for Martin. They came backstage, calling his name and I thought I was safe. I was just about to call back to them when suddenly Martin grabbed my shoulders and pushed me down on to the floor behind the sofa. He pushed his full body weight against me and I could barely breath let alone move. He held a hand tight against my mouth as he glared at me and whispered to me, telling me not to make a sound. I was scared in case it was Gillian. Seeing us in this predicament would mean the end of my membership. I knew she wouldn't take my word against his, so I said nothing. I just lay there as he stared at me with an evil grin on his face. Then as quickly as it had happened, he got off me and walked back out to the car park. I was shaken and scared and wanted to cry but there were too many people about and I didn't want people asking questions.

I ran outside to find Lynda and I told her what had happened. She suggested that I might have dropped my key in the garden where we had been playing earlier in the day, so we went down to have a look. Lynda started looking on the lighter side of the garden and I began my search on the side nearest to the rabbit hutch, surrounded by trees. Martin came down the steps and saw us. I stood up and faced him with my arms crossed defiantly. Lynda looked at Martin and me repeatedly, not knowing what to do. The three of us stood there like this for a few seconds before Martin gave Lynda an errand to do, (I think she had a message to tell her parents). Lynda rushed off and I knew that she would come back as soon as possible because she was looking out for me. I tried to follow Lynda but once Lynda had gone past him, Martin wouldn't let me go past. He kept side-stepping in my way and whichever way I tried to get around him, he was there. Then he grabbed my wrists and dragged me backwards. He pushed me up against a tree and pinned both of my arms above my head with one arm. I tried to knee him in the balls but he was too quick and he pushed his knee inbetween my legs, forcing them apart. He began to grope me. He forced his hand up my black belly top, into my bra, roughly squeezing my breasts. I tried hard to pull my arms free and I wriggled my legs to try and kick him off but he was too strong for me. I felt helpless and terrified. Then he thrust his hand down the front of my jeans and I had a rush of panic. I thought he was going to rape me and I fought hard against him, wriggling and thrashing violently. I tried over and over to knee him in the balls but Martin kept leering at me with an evil smile and laughing at me. He found my attempts to escape funny because he was in charge and I wasn't strong enough to do anything about it. My attempts to kick him in the balls made him laugh even more but as he laughed he lapsed concentration for a brief moment and I managed to pull myself free. I tried to run away but he fell on the ground towards me, like a goalkeeper saving a ball from entering a football net. He clasped both of his hands around one of my ankles. I kicked out with the other leg and he grabbed the other ankle too. With one sharp tug he pulled my legs from beneath me and I fell flat on my face. He scampered up my body and rolled me over onto my back. He started tugging at his trousers and I thought he was trying to get his willy out. On reflection I think he was probably adjusting himself but I really thought he was going to rape me. This time I was flat on my back with his body weight on mine, his legs inbetween my legs, one hand around both of my wrists, squeezing hard so I couldn't move. His free hand worked its way up my belly top and under my bra. He grabbed my breasts hard, leering and giggling in my face. His eyes fixed on my face as I begged him to let me go. I was petrified to the point where I was giving in altogether when I heard someone walking from the car park towards the garden. It was Lynda coming back and she would rescue me! Martin glared at me and told me not to tell anyone what had happened otherwise he would come around to my house and "get me" if I did. By that I thought he meant that he would come to my house and wait until I was on my own and then rape me. I thought he had plans to finish the job off and I was terrified. Just before he sprang to my feet leaving me lying on the floor in shock, he said these words, "nobody will believe you anyway!" I believed what he had said and I didn't tell anyone else except for Lynda.

Lynda saw me getting up off the floor and Martin looking sheepishly around the other side of the garden, pretending to look for my bike lock key. I was in shock and I needed to cry. I ran through the changing room to get to the toilet where I could sob my heart out. But as I dashed through I saw Gillian sat at a mirror, taking off her stage makeup. She saw me rushing in looking all flustered, and turned to me to ask me if I was okay. She had a look of concern on her face and I wanted to tell her what had happened but I just couldn't face it! My fear of not being believed and my fear of being evicted from the group stopped me from saying anything. Gillian and I stopped and stared at eachother for merely seconds, but those seconds seemed like minutes. Finally I told her I was fine and she went back to taking off her make up. I slapped a pretend smile on my face and dashed into the toilet. When I had dashed in and had first looked at Gillian, all I could think was that she loved Martin and he was her husband. If I told her that the man she married and loved was a peadophile, it would destroy her. I could not shatter her world, I had no right to! I would just have to make sure that I didn't put myself into that position again that's all! I sat on the toilet seat and pulled my legs up to my chest, gripping my knees as I sobbed silently. I didn't dare make a noise in case Gillian heard me. When we got back to Lynda's house, her parents were so lovely and that made me feel even worse. Lynda's mum came into the bedroom and checked on us before she went to bed. She popped her head around the door and asked us if everything was okay. I wanted to scream out that it wasn't okay. I wanted to tell her everything, but how could I? She wouldn't believe me, Martin and Gillian were her friends and I was nothing but a teenage girl. Martin was right, nobody would believe me! I pulled the duvet up so I could see Lynda's mum but she couldn't see my tear stained face. I managed to reply "yes thank you," before she left the room. I could no longer hold it in and the tears streamed down my face once more. I talked to Lynda about it and she didn't know what to do either. She didn't think her mum would believe me because she didn't even believe Lynda a lot of the time and she was her own daughter. it looked pointless and destructive to tell anyone. We only had one more show the next night and I wouldn't see him again for months, (maybe not ever), because he didn't attend the drama club. I only had to get through one more showing... I could cope with that. I asked Lynda to keep an eye on me to try and stop him from doing it again and she said she would try to stay with me from then on. I slept badly and wasn't looking forward to seeing Martin the next day at all!