Story 2:A Loner's Unexpressed Love Story

I had joined a spiritual organisation in May 2007. It also conducted spoken English and personality development courses. Spiritual lectures were conducted on 2nd floor. It had two rooms labelled one and two. I was in the latter room. 2009 was a memorable year for me. As I was coming out of the room my eyes caught a glimpse of a pretty girl. Her face was glowing. She had a pleasant personality.   She was dressed in white. She also glanced at me for a few seconds. Is it true that love starts with eye contact? She worked as an MGM for personality development courses. MGM is like a monitor in the class with limited powers. This was the first time when I saw her. I was very eager to get the second glimpse of her. Was it infatuation or beginning of love?

I had to wait for a long time to get a glimpse of her. It was Thursday. My spiritual lecture began at 6:30 PM. At 7PM I came out of the room because I was called to solve a technical problem. When I was returning as I entered into the main door which connects the inner and outer room, I saw her. She was sitting on a chair in the outer room for getting her admission card for spiritual retreat. This time she looked prettier. She was again dress in white. She seemed to be calm and composed. I found that she glanced at me for a couple of minutes. At that point of time we had no communication.

Six months passed away. One day I came to know that her batch would be merged with mine. I felt top of the world. Now we were in the same group. With the help of Attendance register I came to know her name. Why was I afraid of going to her and asking her name? We started getting group assignments and our communication began but we meet once in a week.

I started checking her out in a decent way. Was it legitimate? I checked out her earing, bangles in her hand and her nail polish when she was close to me. I would notice her lips move when she talked. On rare occasions I got lucky to see her million dollar smile. She didn’t wear a lot of makeup. She always dressed in traditional way, a quality I admired. Once she was wearing a green dress. When I saw her I smiled a lot. I didn’t have the courage to go to her and say that she should not wear green. I don’t know why I would smile if she painted her nails green. I am still searching for an answer.

She started giving me signals that she liked me. What a fool I was? I could not decode her indirect signals. When I read a book about girls I came to know that girls don’t take the initiative. They only give signals. It is the turn of the boy to decode them and take initiative. Was I a dumb guy? It was Tuesday. There was a spiritual lecture. I was given the duty to take attendance of the people who have arrived to attend it. The attendance sheet consisted of two pages. One page contained the names of the male and latter of females. I was sitting alone on the entrance. After fifteen minutes I saw her climbing the stairs. She came towards me. She took a chair and sat beside me. Without asking me she took the latter sheet. I felt I was the happiest person on the earth at that moment. It was an achievement for me. Without any effort a girl has started liking me. I had heard from many people and some books stated that a girl would like you as you are. Was it happening with me or was I influenced with the people or books? If this theory is true it has never happened with me again because history doesn’t repeat itself.

It was Saturday. The spiritual lecture began at 6:30 PM. I was sitting at the back because I had the responsibility of co-ordination. The chair beside me was empty. At 6:45PM my dream girl entered into the room. She sat on the empty chair next to me. It was her first signal that she liked me. I ignored it. After sometime I felt pain in my back. I leaned forward. After couple of minutes she also leaned forward. It was her second signal that she liked me. I ignored this. A girl was giving me signals and I was not able to catch it. Did I need an antenna on my head to catch these signals? What would be she thinking of me?

It was Sunday. All the members were gathered in the organisation to celebrate its foundation day. We all were sitting on the ground. My princess was also there. She was sitting behind me. The lecture was going on from two hours and there were chances that it would extend for a couple of hours. I started to feel the pain in my back. I keet both of my hand behind on the floor and leaned back. I was concentrating on the lecture. After a while there was a pause. I was eager to get a glimpse of my princess. I looked backwards. I saw that she was sitting in the same posture. It was another signal for me to get started. May be my princess was saying “I am available.” I ignored it yet again. Later I read in a book that if opposite sex likes you he/she would imitate you. Why can’t I apply these things in my real life? What is the use of bookish language if you can’t use it in real life? How many signals were sufficient for me to understand? Was I waiting for her to propose? I knew that it would not happen.  
              
As our meetings increased a feeling of possessiveness developed inside me. Once I saw her sitting on another boy bike and talking to him. I felt envy. I controlled my feeling. I thought I should give her space. She has a right to mingle with friends. She has a life of own. My love was one side. Was I thinking more?

This one side love continued for a year. I had to relocate. Last time when I met her I did not have courage to bid her goodbye. Why does this happen with me all the time? I should have expressed my feeling to her. I should have proposed her but I didn’t have courage to do these couple of things. It could be a prefect love story because it has all the ingredients but lacking initiative.