A Hard Sale

Ben was speechless as he stood outside the open door of 59 Millfoil
Crescent. Dressed in a blue crisp pinstripe suite: brief case in one
hand, the other outstretched holding a business card, he was not sure
whether to faint or burst out laughing. Twenty years of selling
insurance on the mean streets of Milton Keynes, eight for Illegal and
Ungeneral and the rest for Shabby Life, Ben thought he had seen it all.
In the porch stood a chubby middle aged man of about 5.3 tall. Dressed
in a skin-tight grey Lycra body suite and tights, black underpants
(over the tights I hasten to add) silk black mask and cape. A large
belly flopped over a bright yellow utility belt that seemed to have
everything but the kitchen sink wedged in it and the black emblem
hanging off his chest resembled...a bat. Struggling with the oddity of
the situation Ben fumbled with his paperwork "err..Mr ..B..Man" he
hesitantly asked. "That's me"was the zealous reply "come on in mate,
I've just got in from work." Although shocked at his hosts informal
reply and lack of explanation of his attire Ben decided to enter the
medium sized terrace, which was not unlike any other terrace house in
Milton Keynes. Stepping into an open plan lounge he surveyed the
interior. Laminated wooden floor, modern red sofas, plain cream walls
decorated with and an assortment of photos: Spider Man, Wonder Woman,
X-Men, usual super hero stuff. "Minimalistic" Ben thought to himself
"very Ikea." Slouched in a sofa, giant Mickey Mouse slippers on his
feet a second man of about middle age was engrossed in the TV. Also
wearing underpants, Lycra tights and body suite but in glorious red,
orange and green with luminous yellow cape and mask. "Don't mind Robin"
injected his host "Eastenders, he never misses an episode, bit
difficult in our line of work, always on call so he videos most of
them."
"Ah" Ben responded beginning to think this was a wind up and was half
expecting Jeremy Beadle to leap out from behind the curtains and
restore all sanity. "Anyway, I'm Batman" grabbing the Shabby Life
business card out of Ben's hand Batman gestured to Robin. "Grab a seat
by the Boy Wonder and I'll put the kettle on." Batman bolted off to
where Ben assumed the kitchen was located. Ben perched himself on the
edge of the sofa next to Robin who so far had not taken the slightest
notice of Ben's entrance making him feel quite uncomfortable. Being
used to controlling the sale Ben decided he would make conversation,
break the ice, build a rapport. After all, he was the master salesman
with over twenty years experience, even if his present clients did seem
totally bonkers. "Good episode?" Robin did not even blink. "Err-do you
think they ever got over the death of Dirty Den?" Ben was now clutching
at straws. Robin turned, grinned and then continued his viewing making
Ben even more uncomfortable. Batman came scurrying with purpose back
into the room as if it was a crime scene. Slamming down a tray holding
three mugs and a bowl of sugar cubes he smiled at Ben "you'll have to
shout at Robin, been death in that ear ever since the Joker planted
semtex in last years Christmas crackers" "Oh" Ben was in complete
disbelief. "Yours is the Posh-spice mug, got it free with her last
single, terrible row but a cheap way to buy crockery." Regaining his
composure and deciding he did not want to spend any longer in a mad
house with the motor mouth caped crusader who he thought looked unable
to catch a tortoise Ben interjected. "Mr Man, you enquired at my office
regarding a pension plan" "Thats right, me and the Boy Wonder are not
as young as we used to be, thought we'd look into early retirement."
Without breath Batman continued "You know, spend our days lawn bowling
and down the British Legion for a few shandy's." "Oh" replied Ben for
the second time as his mouth dropped even wider. "Do you want a deposit
now" Batman produced a cheque book.
Its not that Ben did not want the business but he was used to having to
do a fair bit of persuasion before closing a sale and Batman's
directness was making him uneasy. Ben attempted to bring some order to
the proceedings "Listen, I will need to take some details."
As if it was a deliberate attempt to wind Ben up Batman was off again.
"Could you also quote me for car insurance while you are here." "O-k"
Ben sighed, resigning himself to anything that would allow him finish
the sale. "Full name" "Mr Bat Man" "Occupation" "Crime fighter, also do
the till twice a week at Sainsburys." Ben almost choked "You work the
till at Sainsburys" As soon as he had uttered the words he knew he had
made a mistake, an open invitation for Batman to elaborate. "Gotta
supplement the income, not as busy in the crime-fighting industry as
the old days. You know, traditional industries being replaced with the
high tech revolution, world wide web and all that." Batman was on a
role. "United Nations Peacekeeping Force saving the world, National
Crime Squad policing the locals Robin and I are left with rescuing cats
with vertigo and catching runaway tortoises." "this nutter can catch a
tortoise." Ben murmured. Batman grinned "takes a proper dragnet to
apprehend a tortoise. "Make and model of the vehicle" Ben shrieked
unaware of how high pitched his voice had become. "A 1998
Ford-Batmobile" Batman proudly stated. That was it, Ben had had enough
and decided it was time to leave before his blood pressure exploded.
"I'm sorry Mr-er Bat-man, I don't have the vehicle listed so I'm going
to have to refer it to the underwriters, any modifications?"
"I don't think so." Ben gave a huge sigh of relief, It was going to be
hard enough to explain this to admin as it was. Just as he was about to
haul himself out of the sofa Batman perked up.
"That's apart from the injector seat on the near side, parachute under
rear spoiler, AK machine-gun fitted to the twin exhaust, the rest is
normal Batmobile spec." Batman had not finished "you know anything
about engines, the Batmobile has been off the road ever since the
penguin put fish food in the oil filter, I think the head gasket's had
it." Ben tried to keep his cool by taking deep breaths; shoved the
paper work into his case and got to his feet. At this point the
'Mission Impossible' theme tune started to play from Batman's utility
belt ascending louder and louder. After spending some time rummaging in
the belt during which he removed a Walkman, Swiss-army-knife and a pair
of Ray-ban's Batman eventually found the cause of the jingle. "The
Bat-phone" he exclaimed in a dramatic way which Ben was beginning to
become accustomed to. "Actually, it's a Nokia, 14 different ring tones,
you can even compose your own, they should try texting, it's cheaper."
Ben just nodded in agreement; any resistance he once may have possessed
now seemed sapped. After a brief conversation where Batman gave mostly
one-word answers, which Ben thought was a first, the mobile-phone was
dispatched back in the utility belt along with Walkman,
Swiss-army-knife and Ray-bans. Simultaneously, switching off the TV and
flicking a sugar cube at Robin, which caught him on his deaf ear,
Batman announced in a way that deserved some corny background music
"we're needed Robin."

Ben put up no struggle as he was ushered outside. "Sorry Ben, we will
have to finish our business another time" "No problem" Ben was the most
enthusiastic he had been all night.
Side by side, Batman and Robin started sprinting down Millfoil Crescent
as Ben gave a huge sigh of relief. While he was pondering whom he could
send round in his place Batman turned his head, waved Ben's business
card and shouted "DON'T BOTHER CONTACTING ME, NEXT TIME I'LL COME ROUND
YOURS."