National Express

It started on the monday, I was kipping round my mates before i went back down to university on the national express. then in the morning, we were all really hungry, and my loan had just cleared, so me scotty and gareth went to the pub for some food. We went to a pub in the centre of life, it seemed ok, a bit posh, but they had good food, so we all ordered burgers n everything, and started drinking again. we went in about 130 probably. We stayed a long time after the burgers were finished, just drinking. one of my mates wanted to see me before i went, so there was foour of us in the pub. were all pretty bad for drinking, so we kind of pushed each other on. it got to about 9ish, and the bar started filling up with gay people, we didn't know it was a gay bar, but basically one minute we had the pub to ourselves, then it was full of really camp blokes. i couldn't give a fuck, but one of my mates started getting really homophobic, and wierd, so we went to the tut n shive, cos it was closer to the bus station, and we didn't want this dude getting freaky on us, with the amount of drink in us

tut n shive is this rock bar, its one of those places thats really cool, cos it's really shit. all the kids from college go there, and years before this, we used to sit and smoke spliffs and skin up, and they'd come over and go "are you smoking spliffs?" we'd say "no" still skinning up, and that was that

so anyway we pile along there and stu's girlfriend suzie turned up, in tut n shive, you can always get double vodka n cokes for cheap, so we were drinking them. we were really drunk by this point, and at some point stu told me to put my balls in suzi's drink. he didn't think i would, but did, just to prove him wrong. suzi caught me doing it and chucked her drink over me. but i got to point out that she was class, she thought it was really funny as well. so we were all chucking vodka n coke on each other. the barmaid starts yelling STOP IT!! so we stop, but i got vodka all over my tshirt, so i take it off to put my jumper on, everyone finds it really funny that i got my top off, so i start doing a seductive dance on the table, suzie grabs my leg to get me down, but i got my loose jeans on with no boxers, so i'm standing on the table with my cock out in the middle of the pub...of course after that we all get kicked out

so we roll along to the bus station to put me on the bus, but the bus driver refuses to let me on the bus, we're standing and arguing with the driver, stu starts saying he's a reporter for the chronicle, and he'll write about this. surprisingly the bus driver wasn't that impressed. i also remember some woman saying "ah'm not gettin' on the bus if he's gettin on" and me saying "well don't get on the fucking bus then" police are called, and i'm trying to explain to the officer that i don't want any trouble and i'll go home, but i keep swearing, and he keeps saying "don't swear please sir. anyways eventually we manage to get away and me and stu go up to gareths, were we sit and drink more....

next day we were pretty well behaved, and i go into town and get the night bus. so i get on the bus ok this time, and it's all going smoothly till i get off for a spliff at the services, this big dude comes over and he's like "hey you want some of this spliff?" so we're standing outside smoking spliff and talking, and i notice he's got proper evil hands, just all misshaped and covered in cuts, kind of hands you imagine killing you, and then i kind of realise his manner is pretty wierd, i just start thinking i hope i don't find some way to piss him off, or even worse make him like me.

he's sitting in front of me on the bus, so he starts chatting to me when we get back on the bus, just about stuff, and he confirms my fear that he's definetely a real psycho, and i honestly reckon he had killed people. thats why i'm writing this story, cos i just remembered this dude. so he asks me where i'm going, and i tell him, and this strange look comes across his face, then he goes into his bag, and pulls out this battered porn mag with loads of old women from portsmouth bending over in cheap shops and places. he lends me a load of porn mags to read, so i pretend to read them for a bit, then give them back. i reckon he saw i wasn't that impressed, so he reaches into his bag, and show me this fuckoff army knif, i swear down it was about 15 in blade. i ask, "what you need that for?" and he just goes "lots of nasty bastards in london" i was just thinking "aye". he's wanting to go and get a coffee with me before i get on my bus, and i'm thinking "how do i get out of this?" i make a non committed response. i pretend to be asleep, and think of a way out, luckily he starts talking to this other dude on the bus, i pretend to be asleep the whole journey, still shitting it

when we get off the bus he's talkig to that dude again, so i just slip off, i felt sorry for the other dude, he seemed really sound, but i bet he was ok, just had to hang out with that nutter for a bit, i was just scared he might not want me to go. i was scared he might come back, but he didn't. and thats where the story ends, i don't know what the moral is, or if i learned any lesson, it was just a pretty fucked up couple of days, that i wanted to write down so i don't forget