Cupboard Love

I caught Bob Monkhouse last night. It was textbook. I was worried
that the net wouldn't be big enough, or that maybe he'd see me coming
and leg it, but thankfully he didn't and now he's in the wardrobe with
the rest. He looks quite good in there too. Not as good as Bygraves did
on his first day of course, but a whole lot better than Des O'Connor.
And Ghandi. Speaking of which, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and
change his gag. Back in a moment&;#8230;

&;#8230;There that's better. He's had this saliva problem lately you
see. His mouth waters all the time. Non stop. At first I thought he
might drown in it or something, but he seems ok so far. He just gets
through a lot of gags that's all. I have to change it every four hours
or so or it just gets too soggy to be any good. He's good as gold about
it though. Never says a word. Now if it was Nicholson with that
problem&;#8230; well I'd be in trouble. The chances of him keeping
quiet while I changed his gag are non existent. He'd be shouting the
house down straight away - after trying to bite my fingers off that is.
But Ghandi just sits there peacefully, gazing up at me with those brown
eyes just like a puppy. What was it he did? Non violent resistance,
peaceful protest&;#8230; something like that anyway. Maybe he's just
using that again. He probably figures it worked in India so it's worth
a shot here too. It's not going to work of course, but I'm not going to
tell him. Just because a man lives in your wardrobe doesn't mean you
have to rob him of all hope does it. And besides, it keeps him quiet
whilst I change his gag. I hope that saliva thing isn't contagious
though or I'll have to change all their gags and that'll cost a
fortune. And like I said, Jack would make too much noise anyway. If he
got it I guess I'd have to fit a metal gag or something. Some sort of
metal that doesn't rust. Aluminium maybe. Hang on a minute -
Barrymore's banging his triangle. Best see what he
wants&;#8230;..

&;#8230;Back again. He just wanted a pee. Where was I? Oh yes,
Ghandi's gag. I make the gags myself you know. I have too - someone
would get suspicious if I kept buying them. I use ladies headscarves
mostly, I find they work pretty well. Of course it means a bit of
sewing for me - the little triangular poity bit has to hemmed or it'll
just tickle there chins and then I'd never get any piece - but it's
better than being caught. I change their gags every Sunday without fail
to stop them getting unhygienic. I'm quite proud of the way I do it
too. Just a drop of NightNurse in their Sunday gravy and they all fall
asleep by noon. Then slip off the old one, on with the new and hey
presto they got clean gags. They never thank me for it though. I've
been thinking - maybe I won't change Bob Monkhouse's on Sunday. I may
just let him keep the one he's got. I don't like him. He's a moaning
little sod - I've discovered that already. He's worn out three bits of
chalk complaining today. I've told him it's in his own interest to
complain as little as possible. The more he writes the more often he
has to clean the board off again, and sooner or later he'll run out of
spit and his board will stay dirty and then how's he going to tell me
when he needs to pee? He'll end up with wet pants and it'll be his own
fault. So yeah, anyway. I don't thin k I'll change his gag on Sunday.
In fact, I don't think I'll NightNurse him either. That way he can
watch me change the others. And he's such a moaning little sod that
he's bound to complain. Bound to. And then I can just look at him and
say " What do you mean you want a new one? You've been living off old
gags for years - why change the habit of a lifetime!" I am sooooo
looking forward to that! It's a little petty I know but you have to get
the laughs where you can. Ooops - I hear another triangle. Sounded like
C Sharp, so that'll be Bygraves. Probably wants to rat on Harry Enfield
again. Enfield keeps trying to break his Walkman. I better go
check&;#8230;.

&;#8230;Yep it was Bygraves. He wanted his tape turning over. I'm
teaching them you see. Educating them. Bygraves has been here the
longest so he's the furthest along the curriculum, so to speak. And
doesn't like to show it! He's a right little teachers-pet. He's on
Level 3 Swahili at the moment. I got the tapes from this mail order
language lab on the internet. 'Learn Swahili While You Sleep' it's
called. He seems to be coming on quite well - he's on tape 4 already.
He's always trying to show off about it though. One of the others does
something and he'll look at them craftily and scribble on his board in
Swahili, then look knowingly at me as if we've shared a joke. I haven't
got a clue what he's jabbering about - I don't speak a word of it
myself. I think it's Richard Clayderman next into the Language School.
He's doing Elementary Chemistry Level 2 at the moment. I don't think
I'll teach him Swahili though. I don't want them all speaking the damn
stuff if I cant. Maybe Arabic? Or Welsh perhaps. We'll just have to
see. Bloody hell - there's another triangle! What's wrong with them
tonight. That's D this time. Nicholson. Back in a
minute&;#8230;

&;#8230; Sorry about that. I had to change his tape over too. No, no
- not Swahili. Emerson, Lake and Palmer's Greatest Hits. He loves them.
Now with any luck they'll leave me in peace for a bit. I'm beginning to
regret giving them those bloody triangles I tell you. It seemed a good
idea at the time. I figured that there would obviously be times where
they'd need to get my attention, you know. So I gave them all triangles
tuned to different notes. Bygraves is C Sharp. Nicholson is D. The
Beckhams share B. It works quite well I think, but I wish they'd leave
me alone sometimes. A man needs some time to himself after all. I need
some peace and quiet tonight especially, seeing as tomorrow is
Llewellyn Bowen day. I need to plan it out a bit more - I'm not happy
with the net placings on this one. Hold on, let me get the
diagrams&;#8230;

&;#8230; Here we go. I think this one here - see, by the water
feature - is a little too far to the left. We don't want to end up
catching Dimmock instead. That would be a nightmare. I nearly got
caught last year when I was trying to put John Craven back into the
wild, and I'm not going through that again. So the net goes a little to
the right. Yes, that's better. So&;#8230; sneak in, drop pink paint
on the Persian rug, he comes in: "Oh no, my Persian rug!" Run run run
to the kitchen for a cloth, "Arhh! Sand on my marble counter!" Run run
run to the garden for a spade, "What's this? A ruffled shirt
gift-wrapped by my fake rockery? How nice!" Skip skip skip between the
ornamental angels and GOTCHA! Bowen in a net! Yeah&;#8230; I think
that should work. It's just the Jamie Oliver plan modified a bit after
all. It's just a frilly shirt instead of fresh parsley. Pukka! He he!
I'm quite looking forward to it now. I'm glad I sorted that net thing
out though&;#8230; Was that F Sharp? Thought so. Bloody Rowan
Atkinson again the smug git. It must be time to wax his neck hair
again. Oh well, no rest for the wicked. This could take a while too, so
I'll see you later? Cool. I'll let you know how Llewellyn Bowen goes.
Wish me luck&;#8230;