Boredom

BOREDOM

-Watch this, he said to me. He had switched his phone to speaker mode
and he had placed a small dictaphone machine beside it. He then dialled
a number and someone's phone began to ring. I looked on confused as he
then took a deep breath and released the pause mechanism from the
dictaphone. It rang several times before it was answered and Chris
looked at me and winked.
-Scrapyards, said a young sounding voice.
-Alright Ballbag, Chris began and I almost choked on my beer. -Look
ah've got a problem but its your fucking problem now, cause I need a
bonnet for ma motor&;#8230;What you got for me? he asked before
adding quickly -Because ah put it into a lampost.
-Whit? said the voice from the other end cagily, totally unsure of who
he may be talking to.
-Because ah put it into a lampost and ah need a bonnet now, he replied
again. You got one? It's a Nissan Cherry.
-A Nissan Cherry. Whit year? said the boy now sounding helpful despite
the arrogance of Chris.
-Aw ah don't know, said Chris still coming the cunt but being caught
out with the minor details. -It's an E. An E regi.
-Have we got an 'E' regi Cherry bunnet Snudge? shouted the lad to
someone in the background. Chris looked at me and raised his fist as if
to say "Ya Beauty". Quick as a flash he added sarcastically:
-Snudge! Is that his name.
-Aye how? said the boy now becoming defensive as he takes the
bait.
-That's a fucking stupid name, said Chris reeling him in.
-Aye, ah bit lake you then, eh? fired back the lad beginning to lose
it.
-Hey, don't you start with me ya poofy prick. Lose the attitude,
responded Chris sounding well serious but giving me the thumb to signal
that this boy was well hooked.
-That'll be fuck-in right, don't you fucking start wae me, swore back
the boy getting right revved up.
-Hey, don't you start, I know who you are, returned Chris
calmly.
-DAE YE, screamed back the lad, by now not giving a toss who he's
speaking to. I was in tears and Chris was trying hard to contain
himself as he remarked back cockily:
-Aye, you're that poofy looking wee guy wae the dark hair, he said
obviously making it up as he went along.
-Aye and you're a wank, said the lad.
-Hey, whit did you say? Don't you start that wae me, warned Chris
controlling himself enough to sound serious.
-Aye and whit you gonnae dae aboot it ya fucking ride, continued the
boy.
-Are you gonnae get this bonnet for me or what? replied Chris trying
to regain control.
-Ah'll put a fucking bonnet ower your heed you start that attitude wae
me ya fucking ride, fired back the lad still well pissed off.
-Hey, ah'll take a hammer to you, threatened Chris as he shook his
right hand at me that signalled wanker.
-YOU'LL TAKE A HAMMER TAE WHO YA FUCKING PRICK, screamed back the lad
totally flipping.
-Ah'll take a hammer tae&;#8230; ahh, Chris sighed trailing off as
he realised this call was finished.
-YOU'RE A WANK, shouted the boy getting the last words in before Chris
hung up and switched the dictaphone off.
He looked at me as he reached for his tobacco pouch. We both burst out
laughing.
-He was a game wee fucker eh? he said to me as he began to build a
joint.
-Fucking naw wrong, I laughed as ah placed two ciggies in my mouth. I
lit them both and leaned over towards the big fellow and placed one
straight into his mouth while he skinned up.
-Cheers Man, he said through a mouthful of smoke.
As I sat watching him puff on his ciggie, without once removing it
from his mouth, I couldn't help but notice the concentration he was
using to roll the J. He didn't normally use that much concentration on
something that was, more or less, second nature to him.
-Are you alright big man? You're struggling a wee bit there, I
said.
-Aye man, he replied. -Ah jist had a wee dizzy spell that's aw. Ah
occasionally get wan every noo and then.
-Dae ye naw hink ye should be getting yourself checked out? I asked
him.
-Fuck that, he said inhaling on the half smoked ciggie and almost
choking at the same time. -I cannae fucking stand the doctor's surgery,
man. It's full o sad cunts whingeing aboot the shiteyness in their
lives; miserable bastards who think that a doctor can cure all their
problems by gieing them another packet o prozac. And it's probably naw
even fucking prozac that he gies them either but fucking salt or
sumthin in the same coloured capsule; just tae get rid o the whining
cunts like. Nah, fuck that man, they places are naw for me, he said
stubbing out the ciggie and replacing it with the J. -And anyway man,
am awright noo. Look, he said as he began shaking his arms as if he was
dancing. -Fit as a fiddle me. Now chuck us yer lighter and the yellow
pages and stop worrying, it's time for another call.
I passed him my lighter and the yellow pages that had several strips
torn from its cover. After he'd sparked the up the J he threw back my
lighter and said out loud with his trademark cocky smile -Can you box?
and then he began dialling. I watched on intrigued as the dictaphone
was switched on again and another phone began to ring. An English
sounding voice answered after three rings:
-Hello, said a guy sounding very loud and cheery. In the background
Bob Marley was blaring.
-Hello, began Chris sounding even louder and cheerier than the other
guy.
-Who's this, was the reply and Chris was off.
-Ma names Robert Corbett, he said loudly. -And ah want tae get intae a
bit o the boxing. Ah fancy maself as a little bit hard, remarked Chris
cheekily but the other guy wasn't listening because he was talking to
someone else in the background.
-Hold on a minute, the lad said into his phone as he told someone else
that it's "Robert, Robert Corbett on the phone". At this someone else
began to speak:
-Hello, said the voice. It was coarse and sounded quite old.
-Alright mate, started Chris again. -Ah want to get into a bit o the
boxing. Am a wee bit hard anyway but ah want to get even harder.
-Who are ye? was the reply
-Ma names Rab Corbett.
-Ah-ha, said the old guy seeking more information.
-So am wanting to get intae a bit o the boxing so that ah can batter a
bit better, said Chris and there was silence and then a sman from
the other end to which Chris replied -You know, straighten me out a
little bit? Cause am sick o using knifes and things because the polis
just get ye. Ah'd rather use ma fists on the cunts, you know? Slam ma
fists intae faces, you know?
-Hold on a tic will you? questioned the old guy.
-Aye, hurry up, replied Chris ripping the piss out of him and passing
me the joint at the same time.
As I took my first puff from the joint we could hear in the background
the sounds of fists hitting punchbags and the Bob Marley music being
turned down. A few seconds later the voice returned and said:
-Hello Rab? it asked checking Chris was still there.
-Right, said Chris.
-Ah can hear you now. So whit were you saying there? the coarse voice
asked.
-Ah want tae get intae a bit o the boxing. As ah can't really carry a
knife or that around wae me any more&;#8230; as ma face is known tae
the polis.
There was a laugh from the other end before the old guy said: -You're
kidding me on here boy.
-No, said Chris bluntly as he stretched out his hand towards me, to
signal that he wanted a puff on the J. Taking it from me he said to the
old guy: -So can you train me up? So no cunt will mess.
There was another laugh from the other end as I began to pour another
couple of glasses of fortified wine, then the old boy said jokily -Who
am ah talking tae?
-Rab Corbett.
-Who?
-Rab Corbett, said Chris again firmly as I handed him his half pint
glass of wine.
-Rab Corbett? repeated the old guy sounding confused.
-Aye, sang Chris sarcastically raising his glass as if he was toasting
him.
-It still doesnae ring a bell, said the old guy, adamant that he must
know who he is talking to.
-AYE, YOU DON'T KNOW ME. AH JUST WANT YOU TO TRAIN ME UP, shouted
Chris becoming fed-up at the old boy's insistance that he must know
him. There was silence from the other end except for the sound of a
double punch against a punchbag. After a few seconds pause the voice
eventually replied:
-Right&;#8230; it began but Chris cut him off by saying:
-So are you up to the job?
After this it took the old guy a little time to take in what Chris had
just said because he was still trying to complete his last sentence
about Chris getting his 'body down here the morrow night&;#8230;'
when he stopped and said amazed -Am ah up to the job?
-Aye, said Chris.
There was a laugh of disbelief from the old guy to which Chris
responded by saying sarcastically -Ah don't want any of your funny
business mind. I know what you boxers are like with your shiny shorts
and your vaseline, to which there was another laugh of disbelief and
then Chris added -And your communal showers. Ah don't want involved in
any of that business.
At this statement there was a pause and then the old guy spoke and
said firmly: -Ah don't know if you're a comedian the way you're on
about here boy, and his voice sounded no longer jokey but steely.
-Am telling you what I want, said Chris confidently as he took a sip
from the half pint glass of fortified wine.
-Well you get your body down here the morrow night about, eh, six
thirty, ok? replied the old guy.
-Right, said Chris before adding cheekily: And am ah gonnae fight you?
Ah think ah want to.
-Hey? replied the old guy unsure if he was hearing correctly.
-Am ah going tae fight you? Ah think ah want to, repeated Chris.
-Fucking right you keep talking like that, you sure will, he said with
a menacing tone that was offset by a hardy sounding laugh.
-Hey pal, said Chris sensing the threat, -Don't mess. You don't know
who I am.
-Naw ah don't, acknowledged the old guy as though that was only a
minor problem.
-You don't know how hard I am, replied Chris unconvincingly.
The old guy laughed hard at this. He obviously thought it was a
hilarious comment.
-You just use your fists. Ah use everything&;#8230;, continued
Chris in a desperate attempt to convince the old guy that he was
actually quite tough but he was cut off as the old guy on the other end
burst into hysterical laughter.
-&;#8230;knees, feet, head. Everything, carried on Chris trying to
incite the same sort of response he had got from the wee Ned that he
had earlier called. Although it wasn't working as, by now, the old guy
was completely consumed by huge, mocking fits of laughter. Chris looked
at me and gave me a conceding wink and a thumb that meant respect to
the old boy.
-Something funny, he said exasperated as the old boy continued to
laugh hysterically.
-Aye, you get your body down here at half-six the morrow night
Rab.
-Ah'll look forward to it, Chris said lying.
-Aye, you dae that son.
-Aye, Chris responded before adding: -How will I know you?
The old guy didn't answer this question but instead asked Chris: -Whit
did you say your name was again?
-Corbett, replied Chris before repeating his -How will I know you?
question and then adding unconvicingly: -Because I'm going straight for
you.
-Aye, your naw a Ronnie Corbett are you? asked the old guy before
bursting into hysterics once again.
-Ah ha ha, said Chris, -That's dead original.
-Aye right Rab, replied the old guy still laughing but not as
hysterical as before, -Get your body down here the morrow night,
okay?
-How will I know you, asked Chris again.
-Ah'll know you as soon as you walk through that door, replied the old
man still not answering Chris' question.
-How will you naw tell me? asked Chris and then adding -Dae you look
like a pansy or what? Are you a fairy?
-Aw don't gie me that fucking shite Rab, said the old guy sounding
genuinely disappointed by this type of comment.
-How will I know you then? How will I know who to get? pleaded Chris
still trying desperately to get the old boy's name.
-Just come in and ask for Rab the Crab, said the old man
eventually.
-Rab the Crab? repeated Chris. -Is that Rab with the crabs he added
sarcastically.
-Aye, replied the old geezer laughing in agreement but knowing full
well that that remark was coming before adding -Okay son I've got to
go. I'm busy.
-Do you like my joke, asked Chris cockily refusing to let him
go.
But the old guy didn't answer his question but told him instead to
-Get your body down here the morrow night, okay?
-Ah'll look forward to it, said Chris confidently.
-You do that son.
-Aye, see you then.
-Catch you later, kid, said the old guy hanging up.
-Are you going to go, I asked Chris as I began to roll a joint.
-Am I fuck, he replied, as if I was mad.