Period Pains

Period Pains

Chapter One

Captain Scott Kirkland’s journey had been a vast and deep space trek across the galaxy. Many light years ago it now seemed not just a buzz in the ocean since the nervous but very supportive Mrs Scarlet Kirkland had lovingly prepared her broad shouldered and very brave astronaut husband’s outer space travel packed lunch, On which would be the morning Scott Kirkland would be strapped and buckled inside the Space Invader Defender Mars Bar launching bay The spaceship was named that partly because of it’s inventor Dexter Chewbacca’s love for video games and Mars Bar because of it’s voyaged pre programmed destination to yes you guessed it Mars, where Dexter and his NASA minions were hopeful of the  discovery that the red planet inhabited no not millions od chocolate bars but life itself  

 

At morning Briefing Scott had chuckled As he opened his Ben 10 little lunchbox a fitting joke he thought. Because he like little Ben was also very excited about going into space. Inside the lunchbox Scott found sliver foil wrapped triangle cut sandwiches. If it was one thing Scott loved more than anything about Scarlett and also hated it was her wit. Scarlett was warning him to be careful, Don’t be getting too adventurous she was trying to say don’t go vanishing like some people have when sailing through the heart of the Bermuda triangle, and as knowing Scott as she did knowing that he would be laughing and ensuring her that there were no mysterious pockets like the Bermuda triangle in space. But failing to realise that there was something far more deadly Behind the sandwiches he found ringed doughnuts for him and his crew. Scott had shivered because as well as well as being a delicious  sugary snack these doughnuts bore a large wide gapping hole of nothingness, The hidden meaning here was Scarlett’s fears that they might get sucked through a black hole Scott closed the lunchbox after lingering on the doughnuts for a few seconds and made the choice to eat his Milky way bar instead.

 

Over the lengthy period of time Scott had been gone Scarlett had wished upon countless shooting stars and with each passing night she often wondered with each tinkle up against the black canvas  of the night sky amongst the stars, was she watching as the Mars Bar signalled back down to her?

 

NASA had lost all communication with the Mars Bar for all they knew it could have become battered or melted into nothing more than a creamy mess within the earth’s atmosphere. All had looked good on their last Youtube upload Kirkland had been smiling while blogging he hadn’t been screaming about murderous aliens having come abroad and eating their eyeballs Scott Kirkland had looked excited and even joked that he might need sun tan lotion once he took his first step on Mars’s  bright red surface after that though that was the final time he checked back with base that was until……

 

The thunderous crack of the unlocking latch of the Mars Bar opened DR Dexter Chewbacca NASA’s expert on unexplained discovered mysteries coughed and tried to see through the mist and smoky contained condensed curtain of the char coaled hot to the touch battered Mars Bar The sound of heavy breathing surrounded the armed security NASA Alien Control guards.

Laser sights from their aimed rifles pinpointing the smoke vapours radiating from the medium looking sized space baked potato.

Dexter Chewbacca stepped forward Scarlett stood at a safe distracted hoping and praying that this was to be a proud moment where Scott would pop his head up from somewhere behind the grumpy razor sharp tooth looking space potato.

 

“Captain Kirk” Dexter spoke allowed

“Kirkland” Scarlett corrected.

“Or just Scott will be fine”

“Very well Captain Scott Kirkland can you tell us what happened to you?”

The sliver glints of sharp razor teeth chattered and thrashed their way through the space shuttle’s door

Oh spaceballs I think we have a situation it’s a case of somebody forgot to put the plug back inside the space toilet and  space aliens got up the pipe and abroad and had our space explorers for dinner again” How many times have I said once you finish doing a poo flush it away and close the toilet lid These NASA folk were supposed to be brainy”

 

Chapter 2

Men are from Mars And Women Are From Venus

 

When asked if they have any time to spare, you will often find the question answered with the female species, of our big blue glorious spinning planet that we have inhabited as our home, with the claim that she is rushing around like a blue arsed fly. The woman you will come to see doesn’t fully understand the complex meaning behind the term, put your feet up and have a break have a Kit Kat. Women just seem to never be able to stop. Laziness is never a considered option even when the chores are as boring as either grocery shopping, or getting themselves stuck within the horde of blaring car horned, fist frenzy furious shaking child collecting mothers of the school run, soon to be followed by the chore of annoyance of having to clean the mud or grassed stained messes of their children’s school uniforms.

The tiredness that is creeping into their over worked Wonder Woman superhero bodies get pushed deep down, like the folds of the laundry basket where the woman is more than likely to find a mouldy  forgotten pair of smelly underpants that belong to her once upon time Mister Prince Charming of a stud muffin hunk of a man. Gone are now the days of trying to impress her with his wit. Now all she gets from her man are smelly egg rotten exploding farts and the sounds of nut and groin scratching as he awakes from his hard night dozing session next to her on the couch as the end credits to his favourite motoring show starts to roll, because foolishly the woman she being the kind and romantic person that she is, hopes if they spend time together that she will work the spark back into their relationship. That also turns out to be a full time job and workout. it would seem to be a battle up against the monster that is a man’s laziness. Heed this warning women be wise and give up this challenge it may just become your very downfall if you aren’t careful.

 

  Chad lifted his knees high as he jogged on the spot while glancing with glee filled excitement at the state of the art waist sports stopwatch before his eyes that brought him so much pride

 

“Come on Carla my sexy little wasp feel that buzz that sting as I run and leave you off somewhere with the far distance”  

Carla looked to the spot where her beloved personal trainer of a husband had just been jogging lifting those muscle bound legs high up against his chest. Once again and true to his word Chad had taken off like a fuse lit stick of dynamite. There the one moment and gone the next. Carla just couldn’t understand how anybody could muster up such joyful bedazzled enthusiasm for such fitness. Chad seemed to take up the speed of Sonic the Hedgehog on these causal power walks around the park with such ease.

 

Carla would await the change of the wind’s pace alerting her that Chad was soon to make his return and just go and wait for him in the comfy front seat of their car. Given the choice Chad would be happy enough to sprint their way to the park Carla was sure but thankfully Chad thought of them both as being a team, so Carla was able to convince him that she may just die if she hadn’t the chance to rest between the periods of watching him leave her standing in the dust. Carla before meeting Chad had thought of herself as being rather the queen of fitness that was laughable these days.

 

But watching as her breath fogged up the windows and windscreen from her heavy breathing Carla could safely say she was only human. Chad was a force of nature maybe even alien moving faster than light and sound all he needed now was a superhero cape and Carla was almost certain he could achieve great heights of flight given his super human abilities. He could bench press two tons and not even give of a hint of a sweat.

 

Carla felt the sudden rushing whoosh of wind and then the car door was wrenched open with great force.

 

“Carla babe where were you couldn’t you keep up?” Chad asked climbing inside the car.

 

“I did keep up with you, I beat you back was all” Carla answered back.

 

Carla gazed dreamily up at his big like gladiator muscle chocolate massed bear hugging manly figure and smiled thinking naughty sexy thoughts of maybe having kitchen baking flour covered sex with Chad as she began to drive home.

 

Carla and Chad was to have a new neighbours move in next door today. A Mrs Scarlett and Scott Kirkland both of who were big time celebrities given the ground breaking headlining  story of Scott’s globe followed mission to Mars. Thanks to a live link up with YouTube. But given the mystery and sandal behind the trip having lost video feed. Scott and his crew had mysteriously vanished so Carla was shocked to hear that Scarlett Scott’s wife was moving to her neck of the woods. Also she felt quite scared because rumours were Scarlett was quite mad claiming that Scott was still around and had indeed made his return to earth. Paparazzi caught photos of Scarlett never showed Scott even though Scarlett insisted that Scott was with her at the time of the photos being taken.

 

Poor woman was in denial Carla thought maybe a nice welcome present of freshly baked chocolate brownies would form the two ladies with what Carla hoped would become a strong and lasting friendship

 

Scarlett Kirkland heard the doorbell to her new home go bing dong

 

“Saved by the bell that’s what you were” she said sighing down at her potato and giving it a strange little pat of affection. Scarlett then turned and left it sitting on the couch. She wanted to be quick she didn’t want to risk her potato rolling off the couch’s edge and getting itself busied or worse getting itself mashed upon the hard wooden floor the carpets hadn’t been laid down yet that was yet to be unpacked

 

Please don’t be a salesman she thought to herself 

 

Chapter 3

The  excitement of the high pitched  womanly squeaks surrounding and radiating from their new neighbour Carla Davenport shook Scott from his deep lazy doze  upon the conch   

 

Scott’s ears were very small these days and were very sensitive having been sucked and embedded inside his skunked round head, and thanks to this seemly mad woman from next door screaming with glee over such a unimportant trivia thing of having people move into the house next to hers Scott was going to have to suffer through the sharp ringing echo like he had been to a loud concert until Scarlett would take it up on herself to give her little potato of a husband a nice rinse wash massage underneath the cold tap of their kitchen. Scott wanted his big fluffy blue Buzz Lightyear ear defenders gosh the world was a noisy place to live at least out there in space it was dead silent Silence was really golden. But grated cheese strips this new neighbour of theirs sounded quite the laughing hyena annoying type. So much for laying low hiding from NASA with her around was going to be a challenge. Scott could tell that Scarlett was putting on quite the performance, or wait was she actually enjoying this interaction?

 

Scott felt in to minds about this for one maybe he couldn’t blame Scarlett, she had after all been on the run with him ever since discovering that her dearest childhood sweetheart, her one and only Scott had been infected with a space virus, given by those invading space aliens that gained access to the Mars Bar via the laziness of the crew not remembering to put the toilet seat back down when finishing their pee in outer space. But at the same time Scott felt the hint of the green eyed monster creeping up on him, Oh dear no not another alien to join to his problems surely? But yes there he was Scott was feeling jealous and Scott no longer being able to scare away threat with his big deep growling manly voice of anger having that also turned tiny just like his ears, Scott didn’t think incoming threats would take notice of the high pitched squeaky chipmunk type voice. He had teeth though and gosh they had matured like cheddar into little razor sharp pinpoint little needles. They hurt for sure, Scott knew this to be a true fact. He had felt for himself how their sharpened points pierced the skin. One may think its good to look away just as you are about to be pricked by a needle, and maybe that theory eases the worry or the pain but still you know the needle is coming. Scott sat upon that space toilet dangling his bare bum out for the whole wide open universe to see, and for Scott’s bad luck  yes there was a whole race of pacman flying hungry space spuds out and about just chipping along and hold the deep fat fryer Scott was spotted. There was no like Jaws danger music accompanying this attack and sure maybe Alf on spaceship radar control duty should have spotted this long ago before Scott got a very sore bottom, but hey at the point the crew had been space travelling for a few months without a problem and Alf had grown rather bored of his job. Shame also for Alf though he too got transformed into a space potato Soon this alien invasion outbreak would be known as the couch potato endemic back on earth once the infection takes hold.

 

Scott could risk the hop and jump routine but his now combined head and body were already throbbing from the sheer noise of his wife finally having made a new friend. Plus the space virus that turned Scott into a space potato had affected and zapped his energy levels quite drastically. It took a lot of effort theses days to move himself from point A to point B. Either achieving this goal by rolling himself over the floor but that meant partly having to crush his face mid roll and risk slipping and becoming a mashed mess upon the floor. Scott could bounce or hop but that was exhausting and left him feeling like a hot baked sweaty potato. Scarlett it was lucky for him was kind enough to carry him around place to place in her handbag sometimes leaving the top zip of the bag unzipped where Scott was able to breathe fresh air through a straw. For the rest of the time Scott was left to sit within the warmth comfort of the fluffy conch feathery pillows where Scott often ended up falling asleep. Scott tried this now having already snuggled into the conch’s softness but today there was no hope of entering into his righteous potato conch status.

 

There was now yet more chattering o erupting over across the way of the Kirkland’s open doorway. There was a man there now too one with a deep Barry White type voice, and wait a second was he trying to flirt? He seemed to have won a few metals for a local marathon and Scarlett did these days tend to have a wandering eye. She often watched shows like the Worlds Strongest Man and reruns of Gladiators on the TV. She often told  Scott that he was still the only man for her but how could that be true when he was a tiny not even lucky enough to be a medium sized potato? Scarlett would want to date again surely All needs can not be meet by a single potato.

 

“Oh yes Carla and myself we would like to welcome you and Scott is it where is he by the way? but yes to the neighbourhood” Chad said smiling at Scarlett handing her the gift of the freshly baked chocolate brownies and a casserole dish containing a potato and  cheese leak bake. Scarlett carefully placed the blubbing potato based meal down on the coffee table just in front of where Scott was sitting. The smell wafted the across to Scott and he tensed were those poor cooked potatoes, members of his crew?  Fine maybe he liked this Chad if he and his wife Carla were able to cook and bring him snacks Scott was finding as his energy levels dropped laziness was creeping in and with that came the need to snack and comfort eat. Granted he was now the nothing more than a round shape but give it time Scott would grow and become a bigger potato then he could full out and have the whole of the spongy bouncy conch to himself and maybe just maybe if he eat enough he would find he would grow some kind of new body then he would just lose the weight again that he had gained and become a standard  human once again, the plan had logic to it, find his legs arms and ears that seemed to become lost inside rounded body.

 

“Whoa what is that? Scott heard Chad shout.

“Now dear don’t be rude it’s only a running machine” Carla was saying.

“Yeah I don’t get out much so I explore the places I can’t  go now because of Scott’s illness and………….”

 

Chad cut Scarlett off.

It’s a state of the art virtual reality running machine, I could use that to learn where this wall everyone goes on about when doing the Londo