Larry and Mick Become Dark Knights and Save Gotham City From a Reign of Terror

"Dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner, dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner-" said Larry.

"Batman?" said Mick.

"No, I'm just hungry."

"Have some cheese on toast then."

"Will do."

And so he did.

***

"Don't get crumbs on my iPad!" said Mick.

"Since when did you have an iPad?" said Larry.

"Since I realised we were becoming an anachronism."

"Fair do's."

Larry munched on cheesy loveliness. "So watcha doing, matey-boy?" said he.

Mick gave Larry a 'certain look.'

Larry reciprocated the 'certain look' with one of puzzlement.

"'matey-boy'?" said Mick.

"Had to be said," said Larry.

"No it didn't," said Mick.

A pause ensued... then concluded.

"So what gives?" said Larry.

Mick looked at Larry.

"What's the crack?" said Larry.

Mick raised one eyebrow, then the other, whilst simultaneously lowering the first, in a kind of brow-based Mexican Wave.

"Watchoo doin, boyeee?" clarified Larry.

Sigh - went Mick. Followed by: "I am booking us a holiday."

"Bingo-lingo!" said Larry.

"Oh Larry..." said Mick, as he continued to stroke his tablet.

***

Larry looked over his friend's shoulder at the web-page displayed upon the ridiculously shiny screen of the iPad.

"Gotham City Travelodge?" said he, as a mixture of drool, crumbs and cheesy bits made a swift descent in the direction of said portable device.

"Watch out!" said Mick.

"Sorry..." said Larry, as his attempt to wipe away the crumby cheesy drool with his shirt sleeve merely succeeded in the creation of a monumental (but on reflection, undeniably artistic) smear.

"For pity's sake!" said Mick. "Now I'm gonna have to upgrade!"

"It's only a smear," said Larry.

"Only a smear?!" said Mick. "Don't you know?!"

"What?" said Larry.

"If the screen of iPad 6 comes into contact with any cheese-based substance, it dissolves!" said Mick.

"Oops," said Larry.

***

7 minutes later...

"Delivery for Mr Mastadon!"

"Is that my new iPad?"

"Yes, boss."

Mick signed in the appropriate place.

The delivery boy lingered.

"There are," said Mick, "precisely two reasons why you are not getting a tip... 'A'..."

"Don't you mean '1'?" said the iPad delivery boy.

"Three reasons," said Mick. "'A'... because you said, 'Yes, boss'... 'B'... because you were too slow... and '3'..."

"Don't you mean 'C'?"

"Four reasons..."

And on it went.

***

"Did you notice the name upon the badge of the tardy and impertinent lad?" enquired Mick of his good chum, Larry.

"Robin," said Larry.

"Surname?" said Mick.

"Boywonder," said Larry.

"Incredible..." said Mick.

***

4 and a half minutes later...

"Delivery for Mr Lampshade!"

"Magnificent!" said Larry, who swiftly made payment, removed the Deep Pan 3-Cheese Supreme from its box, turned upon his heels and tumbled headlong into Mick, who was presently admiring the highly reflective gleam on his brand new iPad 6.

Mick asserted himself violently upon the person of Larry, then once more picked up the phone and dialled the iPad delivery shop.

***

9 minutes later...

"Fancy it, then?" said Mick, as Larry and he 'checked out' the forthcoming deal on the Gotham City Travelodge, on the screen of Mick's third iPad 6 of the day, while the former munched upon a stewed prune.

"Not 'alf," said Larry, as semi-masticated purple pulp spurted forth from his gob.

"If this had been an iPad 5, you would've been in trouble," said Mick.

***

Somewhat later...

"Ay ooop," said Larry, as the train pulled into Gotham Parkway; "something's afoot."

"The thing on the end of your leg?" suggested Mick.

"Facetiousness doth not become ye."

"I beg to differ."

"Beg all ye like, the truth doth stand."

"Why are you saying 'doth' and 'ye'?"

"I knoweth not."

The doors opened.

"What is," said Mick, "afoot?"

They stepped off the train.

Larry pointed.

Mick looked at where Larry was pointing. He saw a foot. It wasn't moving. He saw another foot. Also not moving. More feet. Equally non-motive. His eyes travelled further, higher, all around and about. The feet were attached to legs, which were attached to bodies, which also featured arms and hands and heads and so forth. Of motion upon such, there was none.

"Umm..." said Mick.

Then there was a scurrying. A skittering. A flurrying and a flittering. A flapping and a snapping...

"A gremlin!" said Larry.

And so it was.

***

Then there was another gremlin. And another. And another. Many gremlins. Gremlins a-plenty. All of them scurrying and skittering and flurrying and flittering and flapping and snapping, through the feet of the humans, which had, it would seem, been frozen, along with their legs and heads and so forth, by some sort of gremlin magic.

"Cripes," said Mick.

"You know what this means," said Larry.

"What?" said Mick.

"It is time to become dark knights and save Gotham City from a reign of terror!"

"Oh dear," said Mick.

***

Larry and Mick, not without some reluctance on the part of the latter, re-entered the train, went into the toilet together (both offering up a brief prayer of thanks to the Gods of Serendipity, that the train happened to be completely empty upon that day, thus avoiding the awkward and accusatory looks from observers of their mutual toilet enterage), got out their Batman costumes from their travel bags and commenced the adornment of such. They exited the toilet (with some degree of faffing and fumbling, as such portals were never designed for the entrance and exit of two), to be greeted by the gormless, grinning gob of Robin the iPad delivery boy.

"What are you doing here?" said Mick.

"I-"

"Never mind," said Mick. "Time to man up and get into your gimpy Boy Wonder costume."

"Yes, boss!" said that lad.

sigh - went Mick.

And then it all kicked off.

***

Well not right away. Not until Robin had gimped up and joined the Dark Knights at the doors.

"So much for a relaxing mid-week break, taking in the tea shops and bargain bonanzas of Gotham," lamented Mick.

"Let's go!" declared Larry.

And 'go' they most assuredly did.

***

It was a right old humdinger of a bonce-bashing brawl and no mistake. The gremlins didn't know what was coming, I can tell you!

Biff! - went Batman-Larry.

Buff! - went Batman-Mick.

Swiftly followed by a resounding Pow! from the Boy Wonder himself.

Eeek! - went the gremlins.

And... Yargh! - went they also.

With the addendum of the following utterances in quick succession...

Grnf!

Mrrk!

Splnk!

Upon a manyfold repetition of the above, the gremlins were splayed and strewn and scattered all around, and as the final gremlin lay in a state lacking for consciousness on the 'MIND' of 'MIND THE GAP,' the magic was lifted.

The people walked once more.

"That's that, then," said Mick.

"Gremlins veritably vanquished," said Larry.

"Holy diminutive demi-humans!" said the Boy Wonder.

5 reasons - mentally noted Mick.

Then the screaming started.

***

A while later...

The Dynamic Trio sat supping Darjeeling at the Gotham Garden of Grey (Earl) & Other Infusions.

"I suppose," said Larry, "it would be a bit confusing to be about to catch a train, then find piles of unconscious gremlins all over the place."

"You are not wrong, friend Larry," said Mick.

"Could've done without the screaming, though," said Master Boywonder.

"Do me a favour," said Mick, "and take off the gimp suit. You are giving my friend the heebie-geebies."

"Not 'alf," said Larry.

[ fin ]