Mr A&E

 

 

Mr A&E wished he was Mr Clumsy.

 

 

 

Or even Mr Bump.

 

 

 

Because if Mr A&E was Mr Clumsy or Mr Bump, he could have a little accident, like walking into a ladder or falling down a hole, and be right as rain in a page or two.

 

 

 

But things were a little different for Mr A&E.

 

For example...

 

 

 

There was the time when he was walking to the shops, he was distracted by a young lady in a tight lycra top, he tripped over a discarded Special Brew can and tumbled headlong into a plate glass shop window, suffering multiple lacerations and requiring a full blood transfusion in order to prevent him from bleeding to death.

 

 

 

And there was the time when he was chopping the vegetables for his weekly roast, when he slipped and plunged the enormous knife into his thigh, requiring seventeen stitches and a saline drip.

 

 

 

Not forgetting the occasion when he was happily strolling under the Eiffel Tower, when he broke the fall of a suicidal Frenchman, who walked away relatively unscathed, leaving Mr A&E with a broken tibia, fibula and scapula, not to mention severe head trauma, leaving him hospitalised for six weeks and with short term memory loss, which took six months of intensive therapy to recover.

 

 

 

And then there were the more serious injuries!

 

 

 

Not surprisingly Mr A&E was insanely and, one might say, psychotically jealous of Mr Clumsy and Mr Bump - such that he decided that the most effective and cathartic way of assuaging his intolerable envy would be to kill them both.

 

Starting with Bump.

 

 

 

Mr A&E waited in his Volvo for Mr Bump to come out of his house.

 

Mr Bump came out, tripped over his door mat, got up, rubbed his head, smiled and carried on walking.

 

 

 

Mr A&E gritted his teeth and fingered the revolver in his pocket.

 

 

 

Mr Bump walked along the street and a plant pot fell on his head.

 

BUMP!

 

 

 

Mr A&E got out of his Volvo and started to follow Mr Bump.

 

 

 

Mr Bump ducked to avoid a football that had been kicked towards him...

 

... but fell into a manhole.

 

BUMP!

 

 

 

Mr A&E quickened his step, drew his revolver, flipped off the safety and...

 

 

 

... failed to see the white Vauxhall Astra being joyridden by a group of Red Bull addled teenagers, which took his legs off at the knee.