Fairy Nuff - A Peregrine and Prudence Christmas Story

Prudence, like all little girls of her age, never slept soundly on Christmas Eve.  How could you sleep when there was so much anticipation?  On this occasion, when she woke, she realised that she really needed to go to the toilet.  She yawned, stretched and swung her legs out, pattered down to the end of the bed and, disappointedly, felt the, clearly empty, pillowcase at the foot.  Sighing, she eased open the bedroom door and plodded along the landing.  She stopped by Peregrine’s door and smiled as she heard the familiar snuffling noise he always made when fast asleep and dreaming.

Yawning again, she followed the wall to the bathroom at the end of the landing.  She turned the handle, very carefully, doing everything possible not to wake anyone else and particularly not to alert her wakened status to anyone who might turn up, bearing presents.

She edged into the bathroom, in the pitch darkness, aiming not to turn the light on until the door was firmly closed behind her.  That was when she spotted the small, bright red light.  It was moving, erratically, at about her height.  Sometimes it glowed bright red, at other points it almost disappeared.  Prudence decided she was not about to be perplexed in her own bathroom.  She shut the door, as quietly as possible, and pulled the light cord.

There was a small man standing on the top of the lavatory cistern.  He was about nine inches tall, mostly bald but with tufts of white hair on either side of his head, wearing a denim blue bib and brace overall.  He was calmly smoking the last few gasps of a cigarette, hence the glowing red light.  He blew a satisfied smoke ring and then went to stub out the cigarette on the wall behind him.

“DON’T DO THAT!” Prudence blurted out, horrified at the potential vandalism.

The little man froze, glared at her and stubbed the cigarette out, anyway.  Prudence was relieved, but perplexed, to see that the burn mark on the wallpaper, the cigarette stub and the ash all disappeared immediately.

“Yer c’n see me then?”  The small man asked, surlily.

“Yes, just WHAT do you think you are doing?”  Prudence frowned.

“Bugger!” The little man said, bitterly.

“You haven’t answered my question” Prudence folded her arms and tapped her foot, in the same way her mum did so often for her.

“I ain’t doin’ nowt” The little man grumbled.

“That is a double negative” Prudence advised, scornfully, “which means you MUST be doing something”

“Don’t know owt abaht no double neggytives” The man shook his head, pulled another cigarette from his breast pocket and lit it.

“You should not be doing that” Prudence’s frown deepened, “not only is it terribly bad for you but my parents do NOT allow smoking in this house.  You will be in so much trouble!”

“I dunner think so” The man looked dubious, but swivelled the cigarette into his hand, so that the glowing tip was no longer visible.  “They’ll never know, y’see”

“They will smell the smoke!  See the ash.  They WILL know!”

“Nah” The man grinned, “You can, yeah, they canna”

“Who are you?”  Prudence realised she should have asked this first.

“Bog-cleaning Fairy” The man said, matter-of-factly.

“Bog-clean…?  Do you mean lavatories?”

“Lavatories?”  The man dissolved into a cackling laugh, “Gawd!  I ain’t ‘eard ‘em called that in a long time!”

“Do you mean, you actually clean…?” Prudence waved in the general direction of the toilet.

“Oh, throw ‘er a toffee!” The man mimed a slow handclap.

“But…why?”

“Why?”  The man looked perplexed, “’Cause it’s worrIdo” He shrugged.

“And you are a fairy?”

“Sez so on the Job Discripshun” The Fairy nodded. “I c’n also turn me ‘and to dog poo and cat litter, if they’re off, we cover each other y’see?”

“Who do?”

“The Dog Poo Fairy ‘n’ the Cat Doin’s Fairy” The man explained.

“Now I know that’s not true!” Prudence said, with satisfaction, “There are actual posters all around our neighbourhood specifically saying that there’s no such thing as a ‘Dog Poo Fairy’ – you have to collect it yourself”

“Shows what they know, dunnit?” The man shrugged.

“But…but…if there is ‘Dog Poo Fairy’, why is there still dog poo everywhere?”

“Ah, well, yer’ve gotta ask fer ‘elp, y’see?”

“Pardon?”

“We dunner jest turn up” He explained, “yer ‘ave to ask us ter ‘elp yer.  Summat like ‘I wish somebody’d sort this aht’ an’ then gling…”

“’Gling’?”

“Yeah, one of us turns up”

“But, my mother says there’s no such thing as a…Toilet Cleaning Fairy.  She says I have to clean up after myself”

“Very commd’ble” The man nodded and took a drag of his fag, “But, remember, this is the same woman what’ll tell yer there ain’t no Santa Claus in a few years”

“What?  Why?  Do you mean there isn’t?”  Prudence looked panicked.

“’Cause there is!”  The man chuckled, “Stone me, if there’s a Bog-Cleaning Fairy, it ain’t a big stretch to imagine a Father Christmas, is it?”

“Hang on!  If I just have to ask for you to help me, and you do, isn’t that a…now, what did Peregrine call it?  Oh, I know, an ‘abdication of responsibility’?”

“A what?”  The little man frowned.

“You know, if I don’t have to do something that I should do, because somebody else does it for me, then I’m getting out of what I should be doing and I’m no worse off for it.  I’m not carrying out my responsibility, do you see?”

The man sat down on the cistern and seemed to be working his way through that sentence.  Eventually he said:

“Right!  Gotcher” He nodded, “Thing is, it dunner work like that.  Has to balance up, y’see, that’s important.  So, f’r example, say yer dunner want ter clean the bog after yer, so yer call me in an’ I do the business, right?”

“Er, yes, right I suppose”

“Right, well then it ‘as to balance aht, see.  So, worrappens is one of the elves comes and teks away summat you want or like – a present yer were lookin’ forward to say, or a special outin’, summat like that”

“WHAT?”  Prudence looked shocked, “Do you mean to say that, because you’re here now, I may lose a Christmas present?”

“Gotta balance up, fair enough” The man shrugged.

“Is he one of your colleagues?”

“Who?”

“This ‘Fairy Nuff’ person”

“What ‘Fairy Nuff’?  I don’t know no ‘Fairy Nuff’” The man frowned, and then grinned, “Nah, not ‘Fairy Nuff’, I said fair enough!” He pointed at her and laughed uproariously.

“If you are a fairy, how come you don’t look like one?”  Prudence snapped, now in a bad temper at being ridiculed.

“What, yer mean the silk dress an’ the tissue paper wings, all that crap?  I s’pose I could manage summat out of two-ply?” He mused, folding a piece of toilet paper and trying it for size on his back.

“It’s just…you are NOT what I imagined”

“Dunner think even I’se what I ‘magined” The man shrugged.

“Anyway, how is it that I can see you?”

“Werl…” The man took a long, reflective drag from his cigarette, “S’eddridge innit?”

“Eddridge?  Do you mean ‘eldritch’?”

“Yeah, that’s the bunny!” The man nodded and went to stub his cigarette out on the cistern.

“DON’T DO THAT!” Prudence squealed.

“It dunner ‘urt” The man said, as the cigarette vanished into the ether.

“What do you mean by ‘eldritch’, anyway?”

“Werl, weird innit” The man scratched his nose, reflectively, “Santa on ‘is sleigh, animals talkin’ to each other, stuff like that.  Yer more’rless bahnd to see summat like me, aincher?”

“I cannot say I had ever really considered such a thing” Prudence sniffed.

“No skin off my nose” The Fairy shrugged, “mindjer, yer wanna talk abaht ‘avin’ skin off of somewhere, yer wanna see me ‘ands!”  He gloomily held his palms out, which were red raw.

“Oh, you poor thing!” Prudence sympathised, “Whatever happened?”

“’Ave yer any idea, ‘ow many times I ‘ave to wash me ‘ands in this game?  Yer’d never credit it!  What with that an’ the bleach…”

“Well, hygiene is important” Prudence said, primly.

“Yeah, but…oh bugger!” The Fairy glanced at the bathroom door, swallowed hard and vanished in a puff of (suspiciously cigarette-smelling) smoke.

The door barged open and a barely-awake Peregrine stumbled in.

“Woah, Pru, I didn’t see you there” Peregrine jumped backwards.

“You frightened him!” Prudence sniffled.

“Who frightened who?” Peregrine frowned, “I have to say you made ME jump”

“The Bog-Cleaning Fairy” Prudence grizzled.

“The….?  Are you sure you are alright, Pru?”  Peregrine looked concerned.

“There’s his wings” Prudence picked up a piece of folded toilet paper from the cistern.”

“Pru, I think you are, perhaps, a little over-excited.  You haven’t been at the Egg Nog again, have you?”  He looked at her quizzically.

“You don’t believe me” Prudence wailed.

“It is not that I do not believe you” Peregrine patted her on the shoulder and steered her back along the landing, “I just think you may have been dreaming and, perhaps, sleep-walking?  It is remarkably common”

“I have NOT!” Prudence stamped her foot but allowed herself to be led back to her room.

“Goodnight, Pru.  Sleep tight!”

Peregrine closed her door and Prudence slumped onto her bed, in a very bad humour.  She was just about to pull the covers over her, when she spotted a movement by her toy cupboard.  Prudence screwed up her eyes, peered closely and said:

“Ok, who are you?” 

A tiny woman, grey-haired and wearing a small housecoat, was busily tidying toys into a drawer.  She jumped and turned around.

“You can’t see me!” She said, in defiance of the evidence.

“Try me!” Prudence said.

“I’m the ‘It’s About Time You Cleaned Your Bedroom’ Fairy” The small woman admitted, reluctantly.

“I suspected as much” Prudence sighed, “I know my mother keeps on at me about my room.” She rested her head on her pillow and then said, “Oh drat, I still didn’t go to the toilet after all that!  I wish I didn’t have to”

“Ah, now, if you’ll be guided by me, you’ll stay very still” The Bedroom Tidying Fairy warned, in a worried voice, “Only, she’s a bit new to this and we wouldn’t want any nasty accidents, now would we?”

“What?  What are you talking about?  Oh no…!” Prudence suddenly noticed a tiny young woman, wrestling with a length of piping and dragging a large glass jar behind her, as she made her way across the bedroom carpet, toward Prudence’s bed.

Prudence leapt up, swiftly tying her dressing gown tightly around herself.

“You can stop that!” She yelled at the “I Don’t Want To Go To The Toilet’ Fairy, who froze in mid-stride, “And that goes for you as well!” She pointed at The Bedroom Tidying Fairy, “And whoever you are, you can clear off!” She snapped at a shadowy figure, with a pointed hat, lurking by the pillowcase for her presents.  “Just to be clear,” She announced to the room at large, “I’m going to go to the toilet now, ALL BY MYSELF, and then I will come back and tidy my room.  Ok?”

“Tch, not before time!” The Bedroom Tidying Fairy sniffed, and disappeared in a disappointed puff of smoke.

“Clear?” She loomed over the Toilet-Avoiding Fairy, who swallowed hard, nodded and disappeared too.

“And I expect all the presents I’ve asked for, to be here in the morning, understood?”  She glared in the direction of her pillowcase.  There was an imperceptible movement, that might have been a nod, followed by a faint puff of smoke.

“I don’t know” Prudence sighed, as she made her way along the landing for the second time, “why does ‘doing the right thing’ have to be such hard work?”

There was a faint gling behind her.

“If you’re the ‘Easy Way of Doing Stuff’ Fairy, or something similar, you can go away, right now!”  Prudence said, tetchily, without turning around.

There was a barely perceptible “Tut”, a few wisps of smoke and a sound like something being sucked up a vacuum cleaner.

Prudence padded, quickly, to the bathroom.  She was certain she could hear sleigh bells in the distance and she absolutely did not want to take any chances with any more magical entities.

* * * *

The following morning, Peregrine and Prudence’s parents were blearily shuffling around the kitchen.

“Did you make sure all the presents were there?”  Mother asked.

“Yes, yes, I crept in and made sure.  Did you know that Prudence had tidied her bedroom?”

“Ha, bribery and corruption, works every time!”  Mother chuckled.

“Have you any idea what this is all about?”  Dad produced a length of clear piping, “I found it by Pru’s bed”

“Not a clue, but I’m long past being surprised by anything I find in that pair’s bedrooms”

“Anyway, we made it to Christmas Day!  We’ve got a whole day off, just us… and the family” Dad said, reflectively.  “Fancy a sherry?”

“It’s 7.30 in the morning!”

“We’ve got a full day with Peregrine and Prudence” Dad pointed out.

They contemplated this for a moment.  Mother reached up and picked a glass from the cupboard.

“You’d better make it a large one!”  She said, with feeling.