Kinder

Kinder

My children will be named things like Fucknut.

My children will be very lucky if they are male.
If they are female, they best learn to get fat and ugly very
fast.

My children will be named things like Testicular Tube.

My female children will be secretly videotaped when they start having
sex.
These tapes will be shown at every subsequent Thanksgiving
dinner.

My children will be named things like Scrotum.

When my children are around the ages of six and seven, I will wake them
up a shotgun blast one Christmas Eve.
I will take them outside and tell them that I accidentally shot and
killed Santa Clause.
They will see a body in a Santa suit lying facedown in the
backyard.
I will bury that body, and tell my children never to tell their friends
what their daddy has done.
To complete the illusion, I will give them presents with other kids'
names on the tags, and feed them venison for the next year.

My children will have the names Sodomy, Fellatio, and
Cunnilingus.

Whenever my children are in the shower, I will flush the toilet.

One child will be named Shut Up.

Whenever my children are on the toilet, I will get in the shower.
I will tell my children that if they flush toilet while I am in the
shower, I will kill their pets.

My children will have names like Cockboy and Publius.

I will tell my children everyday that I never wanted them.
On occasion, I will say that they were thrown through my window by
people who must have hated them more than I do.

There will be a child who has no name, and is simply referred to by a
smack to his temple.

My children will receive a mild electric shock whenever they hug me or
show me any type of affection.
They will receive candy when and only when they are truly
unhappy.

There will be a child called Fidel Adolf Benito Joseph Mao, but its
name will be Equality.

If my children are ever picked on at school, I will learn the things
their peers are saying about them, and then present this information as
fact at the dinner table.
For example, if other children are calling them queer, then at dinner I
will say to my wife in front of the child, "Honey, did you know
Fellatio is gay?"

My children will have names like Inferior Orbital Fissure.

I will wake my children up every night at one in the morning and tickle
them for twenty-five minutes.
I will tell them they are dreaming.

Two children will have the names Fecal and Matter, but they will not
know which is which.

I will bleed my children once a year.

One of the girls will be named Bald Tattoo Head Man.

When my children are around the ages of nine to eleven, I will pull the
Santa stunt with the Easter Bunny.
I will tell them this time that the Easter Bunny tripped over one of
their toys and broke his neck.

I will have a child named I'm A Stupid Dick Lick And I Have A Smelly
Dick And I Like To Play With My Dick And My Asshole Dick.

Honestly, the only reason I would ever have children would be to
harvest their organs.

And because one day they will be old enough to read this poem.
And with a bit of luck, they will cry a lot.