Mad Lorac's Tale

"And I said to him, Gwurno, I said "I have thrust mightily against
your eldest daughters loins. I have thrust both hard and deep, and
loath was I to do it for she has features of constipated oxen when she
is happy and when she is sad..." and I was about to tell him what she
looked like when she was sad when all at once there was a great bellow
from the back of the great hall and the pounding of heavy feet. I
turned around in time to see the crowd parting. The same crowd that had
been itching for my neck, every one of them wanting to be the one that
caused the final snap, all gave way before her. And I said to the king,
"...and when she's sad..." and gestured towards her.

"The king looked at me for a minute and then back to Ovoid, and the
hall was silent in that moment except for her great stomping feet. It
was fortunate for me that the great hall was so great. She was only
half way along it and she was running out of puff, no longer running
but doing a sort of a crabwise shuffle.

"The king stood up then and put out his hand palm out, gesturing Ovoid
to stop. She did stop as well and tried to say something but she had no
breath to propel the venom inside her and judging by her features it
tasted foul in the extreme.

"'Continue,' said the king.' I looked into his eyes as he said it and I
have to admit, the man was unreadable.

"So I said to him, "And I have thrust mightily against your middle
daughters loins. I have thrust both hard and deep and I have done so on
more than one occasion for though I found her countenance both
distasteful and frightening her voluptuous frame held my fascination
for a while. Would that she followed the Golridan faith where the women
swathe their heads in silks.

"Again came the bellow followed by the sound of pounding feet. The
crowd that had closed in somewhat, parted once again to reveal Uvugu
charging towards me, her face contorted with rage. And as she ran I
continued. "I don't think it's a question of what star she was born
under as much as, what comet landed on her face."

"Uvugu suddenly passed through rage and continued on at great pace
towards apoplexy. As she ran it seemed that she became less able to
control her limbs her temper was so great. It was as though she smote
the very air around her. She toppled over in a great heap and thrashed
about in a state of great excitement. She nearly got to her feet a
moment or two later but as she did so she saw the kings hand raised
telling her to halt.

"I turned again to face the King. He seated himself once more and bade
me continue.

"And I looked at him and he looked at me. The hall became very silent
then.

"Then the king said, "What? Is this the end of your tale of my
daughters? What of Gogala, did you not thrust at her loins also? Did
you not thrust both long and hard? Speak man. Finish the tale!"

"I stood there in the balance for a moment. I could feel that the
wizards magic arts were still compelling me to speak but since nothing
had happened between Gogala and I, there seemed to be a way out for me,
as long as I wasn't asked the wrong question.

"Once again I could feel the crowd parting. Gogala would not wait to be
insulted like the others. She would not run up the aisle in anger. I
felt her breath on my neck and all the eyes in the room on me. Then I
felt the point of her rapier press into my spine.

"'There is no more to tell.' I said.

"The king stood up then and walked towards me. He eye's were fierce.
'Did you not try to seduce my youngest daughter?' he asked.

"No, I told him"

"'Why not?' he snapped.

And I could not help myself, I looked him straight in the face and
said, "Sir, when I bedded you eldest two daughters I did so because
they both showed me with gifts of great value and beauty. Your youngest
she also plied me with diamonds and jewels. But sir, --" I screamed as
the magic made me speak. "When you mated to create your youngest it
must have been with a warthog and even then an ugly one for she is the
most hideous creature I have ever beheld and would rather thrust myself
into a hornets nest than into her wart infested loins."

"And what happened then?" Gwurno asked.

"Well, Gogala was not content with stabbing me. She wanted to hack me
into little pieces. So on her back swing I simply dodged to side and
ducked. The blade came down into the Kings neck. Blood erupted
everywhere and in the pandemonium that followed I crawed away. I went
straight out the main door, stopped off at the stables, collected my
horse and rode away.

"I don't think we'll be going back there again," Gwurno said.

"No," I said, "I don't think we will..."

- From the annals of Lorac the Mad Mad Mad Mad Bastard Storyteller From
Space.