Laughing Silently

Monday morning I woke up with very little feeling in my legs. Winter
blues and chills flooding through without hesitation not leaving much
left to the imagination when by sheer velocity reality pushes itself
into view. Apparently, my dream world failed in its daily mission to
push the real world further away. Nevertheless my life had a purpose;
it had some inkling of what was said that it was supposed to do. I
guess I was as lost as the next person still trying to find his place
in line.

"I guess I should introduce myself. My name's Dave, I would like to say
I'm an alcoholic but that would be the easy excuse out of my life. I'm
a nobody walking on the streets just like everybody else. I believe in
God only so that I can know or even sometimes believe that I can be
that rich man that they promised that I can be that was said in that
book of theirs. Until that day comes, I guess I will just be poor old
me trying to write some stupid songs that when you think about them,
they make perfect sense. I laugh, I cry, I am a fully automated package
ready for tomorrow while praying that yesterday will never catch up
with today. I could say that I never sinned while others will say
otherwise and when I say to them that accuse me, I say to them that
they are trapped within their sin only because of their guilt. They
respond with a general remark stating that I might be crazy or
psychotic. Who knows maybe I am a little bit of both, but just like
them, I would never admit it aloud. Yeah, something like that. I would
like to yell out that maybe everything I am is what they should be, or
even better yet, maybe what we should be is something that we should do
together. Yeah, even better, I believe. Something like that I should
say. Yeah, I guess when it comes down to knowing who I am, I guess
words aren't the best way to introduce myself. I guess I shouldn't even
try to explain or express the way things are with me. Maybe I should
regress and let the story take place. My narration won't help you any
more than it has already hindered. What am I doing? I just go on and on
and I can't stop. I just can't stop. . ."

Foot slid across and under the sheets finding its way to the floor.
Still chilly, yet his mind was preoccupied with something that wouldn't
silence. Chalky and a little bit annoying; the early morning parchment
of paper towel tongue scrapping across the palette kept a distant
reminder of keeping a glass of water beside his bed. Step by step came
a new thought, while his gander showed signs of reaching out for that
essence of that normal midday feeling. A squeak here and the sharp
needle of the cold floor piercing through the heel of his feet aided
only slightly to push something more desirable forward. Even colder yet
the chill of the linoleum had even greater effect for this child of man
so even he could wake up to yet another day.

A smile within the reflection and then the sudden scowl, drooped eyes
followed while a yawn pushed its way through. Only more spectacles for
the mirror to gaze upon while the mammal did its daily routine.
Scratched here and there, a shower was to come next. Just the many ways
this man forgot about where this pattern came from before.

"Oh, you're back again. Where was I? I just can't stop can I? There is
a reason for everything they say. Sometimes I guess we forget the
reasons, yet it's okay to do so. I guess. Look, I'm giving you a first
row ticket to really look. See, he's there staring into that mirror.
You're seeing it through his eyes now. What does it say? Not much
because I don't think you can see it can you. Here, let me describe it
for you. Handsome, yes he thinks so. Hair matted with a crazy hairdo,
eyes half glazed over from dreams lost from the night before. Still
nothing huh? For heaven sakes, I give up."

Hand reaching out towards the other arm, the scratch would not stop
itching. Still the choppy slaps of the tongue to the palette would not
be quenched by mere bodily effort alone. Boxers down, around and thrown
to the side to be forgotten for later days. Water streamed and began to
steam, it was definitely one of those cold Kansas days. The burn singed
then subsided into the obnoxious bliss of daily repertoire. Daily
comfort comes at last. Jaw opened wide as the moisture flushed through
the chalk. Good as it were now it wasn't as complete as it was supposed
to be. With the rush of bodily movement to move his arms from one
direction then another, up and down and all over, nothing looked out of
place. It was the way it was supposed to be. Silent and serene, his
scene with nothing more and without any further need. The daily chore
of awakening, the pattern set forth from many years back and yet many
years ahead.

". . . in the rain. I'm singing in the rain. . . Oh it's you again. You
should warn me. I don't want to embarrass myself more than what I have
already done. So did you see it. You know he is more than one. He is
like many yet only one comes out at each time. Sometimes he's there in
that world. Sometimes he's here with me. He doesn't have any illnesses.
He's perfectly sane. I think. He hides sometimes here with me. I know
you don't see it but he isn't the strongest person in the world. Yeah,
yeah, he would like to believe it, but when it comes time to measure up
to the next person in line there is always something that he could do
better. I mean, I know nobody is perfect and yes everyone has their
faults but to live with these faults and not know anything about them
beyond that of what I can offer, it just doesn't work that way. I care
about him a lot but he will never really know how much. I wish he did
know. Maybe it might help. He is beautiful isn't he? I can look past
his thoughts and can honestly say that he is the way a man is supposed
to be. Deep down, he is a good person don't get me wrong. . ."

Eyes half shut, the sting from the steam sparking a few blinks every
once in a while, while his hand reaches out to the side for something
dry to wash away the wetness. It was over, the spout being a subtle
drizzle compared to the preceding downpour. Hands clasped firmly, he
pulled some clothe closer. Arms waving erratically, pressing and
scratching everywhere it could. One subtle step with one foot, then the
other step with the other. A walk towards there where the clothes come
from, while still holding form to keep the warm feeling flowing through
the remaining inches of skin the cold didn't creep back into. Hands
brushed gently against the fabrics, it was definitely comfortable, yet
a little bit chilly. Black, gray, blue, and brown, the colors of choice
for his standard. Very traditional, yet for every activity and
experience in his life, there was nothing traditional that could be
found. There it was the ensemble of his daily choice laid out on his
unkempt bed. He took hold of a fresh pair of boxers and made his way
back to the warm place in his house.

"So, why did you rush off like that? I was talking. Don't you think
that's kind of rude? Well don't you? Regardless of what it seems like,
I am trying to help you focus, there is something important to learn
here. Maybe, I am fooling myself, but I believe my words hold true.
Sure, there is no knight in shining armor or some damsel in distress,
just some guy waking up and trying to prepare for today. He doesn't say
much and when he does it might be hard to understand what he says.
Sometimes I have a hard time hearing him too. I wish he would speak up
more often. He's a good person, he means well, but he does get into a
lot of trouble. I will try to defend him though, most of the time it is
somebody else that brings in the trouble. It's not like what I was
talking about before about where he is this and then he is that. People
have come and gone and have put troubles here and there yet have shared
many a troubles, and so forth. I hear conversations that he has with
some of the people around him. He does care probably more than what he
wants to accept. He might not look like he does much but I walk with
him. He isn't lazy, he might be misunderstood, but in reality, he
probably goes with the flow much more than he should. The flow isn't
bad, it has done many good things, if you think about it."

Teeth brushed the freshness from the pasted brands seeping into the
enamel giving light to what the toothpaste company's promise for what
would seem a whiter tomorrow. Excuse the language but they made me say
it. Hair being groomed without regard for how the shirt was going to be
worn. Looks better now, might as well lay the tracks and let God sort
out each strand of hair that sways on my head.

"Hi, I've been thinking while you were gone. Looking back, it's hard to
say that he wasn't to be at fault somewhere along the line. I mean
everyone is a sinner, but I don't think mistakes can count as sins. I
mean even though he says he's as smart as he says he is he still lacked
some basic common sense. I mean there were things in the past of
course, but I don't naturally think that he knew precisely what he was
doing. I don't mean to excuse that ignorance can be a ploy to sway the
judgement of sin. Maybe I'm confused what sin is. Maybe I should shut
up again. I'm pretty sure you might be satisfied if I did."

Well, the shirt slid on gently leaving the scalp's mop a little
disarrayed but not to noticeably so. As with the rest of the ensemble,
all fit into place and shared a certain glowing feel of understatement
with a touch of perfectionism within the lines of each subtle fold.
Another quest to the mirror of reflection resting a copies eyes upon
itself. It was only for affirmation that would help us believe that who
we were inside that reflection was what could succeed against the
drudgery meant to follow. A smiled passed with a smirk. Acceptance for
the clever design suited to bring buildings down to rubble and many a
man to fall and kneel before his presence. Business as it were, the
scene was set for another display of his power for his audience. Just
one thing left for the imagination, culinary delights floating within
his inner tract. More squeaking regardless of the situation whether it
be the floor or the cabinet reaching to the smaller bowl. Spoon from
below, bowl, crunchy as for now cereal from above and the milk chilled
to perfection from within. Yummy growled from the bowels of the
tummy.

"Yeah I know, you don't want to hear from me. You're the one that keeps
coming back. So watching him describe how he eats isn't so exciting as
it used to be. And here you are now with very little to do or think
about and you think that by coming and conversing with me will give you
that tiny bit of entertainment you so much need. Well, you thought
wrong. Leave me alone."

The milk was perfect to the "T", to bad the aftertaste of the
toothpaste didn't go too well with what was going on now. The milk was
definitely cold even more so now.

"Yeah I guess your right. Listening to me is a little bit more
entertaining then listening to the thoughts of what the crunches were
like. So, how about those Jets. Well, anyways I guess you would like to
know why I'm with him. It started the day he was born. Not really now
that I think of it, it was actually after. It always starts with Eve or
Adam plucking the apple from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. He
was in a perfect world yet he hardly remembered it. The evil came into
his world and things started to appear before his eyes. Fire was hot,
ice was cold, knives were sharp, stairs were high and tripping as he
walked hurt. I was just as much as a child as he was back then. I would
like to think that I still am probably as much as he does. Life doesn't
work out that way sometimes. Memories, some we would like to forget and
others that we have already forgotten. Boy this hurts, I need some time
to calm down. He's doing something interesting I think, maybe you
should. You know."

The door opened, greater dread followed through. Freezing, just the
spectacle was cold enough to drop the temperature. Snow, a fresh
blanket sorted out evenly. The event blinding as it was yet there was
no sun to shine through the clouds. Arms folded around as he reached
for the largest coat he had. Scurrying to get it on the soft touch of
chill inched at random areas across his chest while his face stood as
an outpost taking the full force of the chill. Double checking for the
keys for home and transit, it was all good. Wishing for a hat or gloves
or some kind of suit to cover every inch of skin that would allow for
any person able to pick up a needle from the sidewalk if needed. It
would've been nice but winter won out in the end. The car door was
hesitant to open. One tug there and nothing. Another tug again yet
nothing came except the fear of using a crowbar just to bring in some
kind of resolution. Finally, the final tug gave the command to open
sesame, regardless the size of the seed or service. Like it couldn't
even get colder than it already was, everything was proven wrong. The
seat, my personal seat, my breathe which was weird. I guess I noticed
it more when I was already frozen as a walking and breathing ice cube
with an undefined shape and color. The turn came for the monster to
growl yet with more hesitation today. Several tries and solace came at
last. Park, yes. Reverse with foot on brake, check. Release brake,
accelerate slowly without gas. Nope, snow in the way. Gas, skid a bit,
bump, then its all good. Release gas, firm grip, no ice yet, even
better. Brake, shift into drive and pedal the gas. Driving smoothly
now.

"There he goes, off to work. Take what's given to him, right.
Uneducated, unreliable record, lost in his own thoughts that would
hopefully give him answers to overcome his moronic shortcomings. Very
little to help him out with his furthering career as a desk jockey yet
was better than what his parents had their eyes set on for his future
with the schooling. It wasn't so bad, people like family, the subtle
distrust here and there from the office politics. Hey, it was better
than shoveling shit for minimum wage. He had his share of that and it
was in his best interests not to do that again. I don't know, he is
quite a spectacle. Sorry about before, some things are still hard to
talk about. I know it's been forever now, but it still can be hard. He
had his share of relationships and friendships even though in his mind
it could have been better. So one person decided to sleep with as many
men as she could just to make him jealous. I know it sounds like I'm
trying to make things out the way he would like to see them but that
was what she did say. Scary how people are, hey I'm just here for the
ride just as much as you are. He still loves her, it's hard to stand
next to her and feel as though you can hold her and make everything all
right. What happens when you let go just for a second. How quickly does
her mind turn and how far will she run away before you embrace her
again. She is beautiful, but she is better off without what he could
offer. Tough luck, I hope not."

Keys pulled from the lock and shoved down the pocket within the coat.
Lights off I believe. Door opened with little hesitation as it had
before. The lock was important this morning as it always had been.
Thunk, the starting sound for the 50 yard dash to the door. Breathless
but trying to beat the record, he found his way through alongside his
colleagues. No one was a winner here, just another gear placed back
into the machine. "Good morning, it nice to see something beautiful to
warm you up after that." Attention laid on the lobby receptionist with
hands waving in the opposite direction. She was cute, straight from
college been there for about a couple of years. Blond hair down to her
shoulders slowly covering her face to cover her cheeks turning to
blush. She held silent for a second. Smiled, raised her head and said
with confidence, "I wouldn't know from where I'm at it all looks the
same to me. By the way, Bob wants to talk with you." She glanced with a
slight early morning tease. Back to work, papers were waiting to be
read and written. The doors opened swiftly, the cubicles leading my
mind wherever the path led me. However, I've been on this path before.
Good old Bob we called him. Kept us in line, talked shit about us in
front of us to keep us in line and overall didn't offer any answers
that we couldn't give ourselves. He was a good man. He taught me well.
The doors came quick, the bronze handle turned and again the swift
release of the opening endured.

"Oh David, I've been waiting for you. I would like you to meet Thomas,
he will be heading up our new division. I was hoping the two of you
would talk and see if you couldn't offer any sage advice so that we can
get this thing up and running ASAP. I'm looking at January if you know
what I mean. I would have preferred before the Christmas season but by
the looks of it, we're going to be as swamped as it is. Tell you what.
Tom, tell him about some of the thoughts you put into this. Also, show
him that thing with the presentation. I'm quite sure he will find it
quite interesting."

I nodded and smiled, what else could I do. Yes, I was a professional, I
had a career that did me well, still I would love to tell someone that
they should listen to some zealot intern with ideas of grandeur that
may or may not work all together. Sure I knew that I helped pick him
out from the crowd and this was a slap in the face. Maybe Bob had his
doubts, it's always hard to tell. I'll play along, I have a sense of
humor. I've heard some of it before and will probably hear it again;
maybe I missed something. Maybe another intern that will do us better
than this kid might have been the answer Bob was reaching towards. If I
had an opportunity to speak which in turn brought me here, I guess I
should listen.

"Well, there he goes, trying to rule the world again. How many times do
I have to tell him "Take it slow, let things happen. You can have
control but only over your own life. Grab hold of the reigns and let
the outside life happen. So you are alone in your mind. Big deal, so
are they. They can enjoy the ride just as much as you can. Go, have
fun, you worry too much." Does he listen? I wish. It's the other ex all
over again. Why waste your time trying to fix everything outside of
you. So people hurt, they cry at night because they don't know what
will fill that hole inside of them. You can offer words, thoughts, and
opinions, you can lead them to where they want or need to be. Will they
be there by their side when they find it. I doubt it. They found their
own little playground they can walk in and guess what, it's all their
own. They, me, I, all of us can only find those places on our own. How
can we give credit to other people when we define words and sentences
that we write in our mind on a daily basis. How can we copyright our
thoughts? It would be nice, then I would be a God with words wouldn't
I? I'm going on again aren't I? He still loves her. Waiting day by day
to hear words from someone's mouth saying "She's okay, she's not
shooting up anymore, no alcohol, no cigarettes, no regrets. She
finished college, she's got a great job, and she found a husband that
loves her and her children with that unconditional love thing they
sometimes talk about but they don't have to." I would like to hear that
too. So we have loved haven't we? Oh well, back to today."

Blocking out pretty much the entire conversation something made sense
about this kid. He had that confidence, he was sure almost to the point
of negligence. Maybe that was the truth of the situation, maybe it was
just a chip in the machine trying to make its way to the other side
thinking it won't have any effect in the overall process. The ideas and
direction were there but who hasn't already thought what he was trying
to explain already. Just another brick in the wall for the company so
it can have hope for building a greater foundation, mind you I could
not say whether it was a good foundation, nor a bad one either just a
bigger one. Nevertheless, the meeting took its place and what a welcome
rest it was. Now on to bigger and better things. Market analysis
reports, local statues compromising restructuring growth outside of the
interior agendas, share holder complaints and stress from some trust
fund baby and I stress the word baby, considering his father is pushing
the ropes of knowledge for his son to learn how to screw a company into
the ground just to relinquish the current companies image to that of a
tower of Babel all in the honor of their family image, and all of this
just so we can get through tomorrow. How about that for
semantics?

More movements formed around the essence of the main character. Leaving
little for the imagination to poke through to bring in new ideas for
the self proclaimed knight of the main table. Standard structure
denotes that all formalities coexist with who and what we naturally
are. So why pretend to be the oak formed statue walking around with
little backing other than that of just being made of skin, bones and
tissue. The joke of man walked around with the nonchalant atmosphere
stinking up the place with fumes that he so enjoyed in his early
morning rituals. Smiles here and there appeared, and so he smiled back
with the inkling in the back of his mind, "So, they're scared and ready
to threaten. Threaten what? Only they can know the reasons for their
own hand made deceptions. Oh, look the people that are actually worth a
damn to the company and I don't know why they're still smiling. Its not
like their security comes with the territory. They know what they're up
against, I don't envy them one single bit. Who knows, they might
actually fall through and save the day just like they usually do."
Quaint hellos appeared here and there regardless of the late and great
arrival of the so called king of the cubicles. The regard nevertheless
was welcome within the growing preparations of an oncoming onslaught of
words and whining customers and clients had a tendency to offer in mass
quantity. No one could prepare for the daily workings without giving up
a little piece of their own little inner peace away. I think that was
part of the oath we took when we stood and waited for those two words
to be heard, "You hired." There were friends here and there and those
that weren't to well known, well, we'll give them a chance to join us
or leave us. It's their choice when there's no overall expense to us in
the end. There it was, the other door. Saying welcome, enter into your
realm. Again with the door, how swiftly they open. How long has it
struck me funny that such a stupid inanimate thing can be like a
transformer for a four year in the mid eighties? By they way, there's
my little munchkin sitting like a paper weight on the desk. I need to
grow up one of these days. The phone was in the red as it usually was
at this time of the morning. Time to wake up I guess.

"Nice isn't it? You know, his life. He would never admit that, just as
much anyone else would admit that in their profession. So he has a way
with business decisions, whoever said he was good at any other kind of
decision in his life. Maybe I'm a little bit harsh but it is true. You
can't deny that. How he got here is still a mystery to me. Maybe it was
the way he walked in that first day. Grumpy as hell, hating the
weather, looking at everyone with utter fear and that false sense of
admiration he used to cover his inadequacies. He smiled a lot in the
beginning. People might have called him an ass-kisser. Which wasn't
probably to far from the truth, but in his heart he was trying to do
the right thing. He did mean well, I mean at the time his life was
going nowhere, failed relationships, failed friendship, and hardships
up the yin-yang. Hell, the only comfort was escaping into whatever
scientific homework this company had to offer. Sure, there were hardly
any equations to conjure through just abstract thoughts leading no
where except for growth, or so he had believed. It was worth a try
regardless were he started. In his case it was more toward the utter
bottom from where he began. He was smart, but even greater he was quite
consistent and persistent. Words from the father memories usually said
otherwise to that effect. Hell, I believe it was the entire family that
just wouldn't desist on that ideal. Oh well, one day maybe it would be
worthwhile to see how they are doing. Yet, now I don't believe it would
be a good time for either or any of them. Family, haven't heard that
word for a while. I mean it's nice being single with a position that
offers more opportunities for whatever the mind desires, yet it's hard
not waking up to a good friend who most annoying endeavor is to disturb
the peace the way only they could do. I mean that in the good way.
Wife, kids, white picket fence, beach front property, Thanksgiving
dinner, Christmas, it would be nice to cuddle in something warm for a
change. It's better than chasing chakras. Tell you what, I know you've
seen this all before. So, don't let me bore you."

"You're still here. There's nothing here that will give you any type of
solace. It's just another day in the life of some old Joe Shmoe. What
is it you want to know? That everything will be okay? Is there some
fascination with his story that maybe just maybe it will shed some
light for you like something you haven't defined for within yourself. I
mean why does he have me inside of him. And why doesn't he want to hear
me talk directly to him. Does he want me as a friend? Does he think of
me as his own personal mock God where he can take comfort from when he
needs it? Am I his consciousness or is he mine or are we the same? I
know it doesn't matter. It's just a parlor game of the mind. We waste
our time thinking together even though he will never listen to what I
have to say to him about him. I'll tell you what. He has a problem he
has had for quite some time. This is beyond that of the obvious when it
comes down to me. You know how people hurt and suffer and sometimes
they have scars. They say some scars are hidden and are more mental
then physical. I used to believe that if it's mental then it can never
appear as a physical condition. I mean thoughts are thoughts and
memories are just memories they don't change into disease right? Maybe
I'm an effect of that. Maybe I'm not helping the way I was supposed to.
I've thought about that a lot but he keeps on bringing back as if
nothing has changed. The same face, the same place, it doesn't matter
to him. He's bored so he needs to be entertained. He can't focus, so he
comes crawling back so he can use me as his new focus. Why doesn't he
shut up and be himself for once. Why does he hide? Is it because he
forgot what he was trying to hide from in the first place? I remember a
kid all alone running around the house in the yard careless yet
thinking about big things. Him reaching out to the expanse of space and
getting lost in blue skies and clouds billowing below and around. A car
sounds in the distance, turning around the corner as if coming only to
see him. A kid with something hidden and deep and the depth only
brought more reason around his being. How could he have entertained
himself with hide and seek with oncoming cars. What benefit would there
be in the end. Only he could win being truly the only participant of
his newly created past time. I guess it was easier that way. What was
it that his mom said? "Whenever you have a problem or something you
just don't know how to deal with, you just let go and let God deal with
it with you." I guess it made more sense to him back then than it does
now. Kind of the wrong thing to say when you're huddling yourself
crying away doubts and misunderstandings of things that should've never
have been. He did good with what he had, never knowing what was lost to
begin with. Everybody has their problems, and everybody has their
doubts. No one deep down inside can ever be what they desire to be. Who
he was was many a man's desire to be the way he was supposed to be.
Nothing special mind you. Just okay. He'll be okay. He just needs to
listen to me more. If not me, then the world he created around him.
Knock, knock. Guess what, I guess it's God trying to get in. Maybe God
isn't the best word, maybe truth or love, or maybe just life regardless
of how repetitious it may be. Like I said, he'll be okay. It's
sometimes hard not to laugh. He is quite a character. You'll never know
what happens next and why should you. You'll be okay, just sit down
open your eyes and smile with me. It's not as bad as you thought it
would be now isn't it. It's a start."

"Oh by the way, sorry about the time. I didn't know it would fly so
fast. Well, tomorrow I'll leave you alone. You will probably find some
new mountain to climb and new face to smile at. You're all right you
know that. If you don't, I'll say it for you. Good-night."

The sheets were back to that cold comfortable feel. Nothing like
embracing the leg numbing feeling of tomorrow. A slight smile crossed
your face with the reminder that tomorrow will come today, things might
change, they might not. Regardless, it was neat. Today at least put a
smile on your face.