Everybody Goes Bananas Sometimes

Still can’t sleep.  Usually, I am a soon-as-the-head-hits-the-pillow person*.  Haven’t had a coffee since last Thursday.  I hate this. 

As if that wasn’t enough, the last three breakfast eggs have been double-yokers.  What is going on? 

Maybe caffeine gets embedded in your system until you flush it out completely.  Maybe other things do too.  Like truth.

In the wee small hours, I have been thinking about guilt, shame and regret. The seeming impossibility of forgiveness, seeking it, offering it.  Admitting how sad I felt that a person, I had thought I loved, was so triggered on encountering me years later, that they bike-bounced in my general direction.  Which, although a tad Pythonesque, was a pretty creative expression of their suffering if you think about it.  And who’s to say that bike-bouncing isn’t just as valid a process as dancing like nobody’s looking. 

This memory stopped me going to the life celebration.  So, it’s not nothing.  Thinking it through, I realised that I had blamed myself for someone else’s behaviour, and then buried that guilt.  I also felt guilty and ashamed about my own behaviour years before.  Which wasn’t reasonable or kind and I’m sorry.

Walking away that day was the only reasonable response.  I was being kind, by choosing peace of mind. 

I’ve read that the behaviour of others isn’t a reflection on us, that we are not causal to it.  That nobody else can make us feel anything.  I’m not so sure it’s that simple.  Certainly, that trigger response was not mine to figure out.  It was not for me to feel responsible for either.  Not then, not now. 

I don’t know much, but I do know that it’s high time to bike-bounce this star-crossed triggerfest right into orbit.  

“You’ve carried that long enough, time to let it go”.

*You are quite correct, this is blatant word count cheating, I apologise

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ui8kUKuLBaU