It's All Barry White

Captain E's log:

[Stardate: June 21st 2002]

I decided to change today's diary entry and delete yesterdays, as I
felt uneasy about them. I think it might be cause I used some of my
friends names, and I'am paranoid to hell that they might accidently
read my diary and get upset or offended. It may have been the spliff I
just smoked, giving me paranoid delusions. I saw visions of one of my
friends clicking on the random button and seeing themselves suddenly
appear on the screen. I don't think I could live with the hassle I
might get if that happens. I haven't written anything bad about
anyone.. I think it's just irrational paranoia I'am feeling. Anyway the
names have been changed to protect the innocent. It's time for some
cyber Tenchu style methinks and more stealthy measures.

I am sat here at the moment with a can o' beer. And am beginning to
think alcohol is an amazing drug. I think it's good for helping people
to open up and talk. Is funny how after a few pints, folk can suddenly
become emotional, whereas when you first sitdown, it's just quiet
casual conversation..

"Hi, how are you doing?"

"I'am ok thanks, how about yourself?"

"Not bad."

maybe a little uncomfortable silence..

"The weather's been good today."

"Yeah.."

after a few beers becomes..

"I really fancy K man, she's beautiful.. but I don't know what to do
about it. " Frantic head rubbing.

"You should just go for it, life's short. Think of all the time you're
wasting that you could be spending with her because you're being all
shy and daft. " Loads more lecturing about how he should be a man and
go for it.

I get out my mobile phone and start typing K a text message.. "Look
mate, I'am gonna ask her out for you." I say all enthusiastic, thinking
I'am doing the right thing.

"No don't.. please rich.." He's trieng to snatch the phone off
me.

"Come on, she's been on your mind for weeks, it's about time you did
something about it. I'am sick of hearing you go on about her. "

"Please rich don't.."

I'am trieing my hardest to type a text message; but can't seem to
manage it too well.. and after a while I give up. "Well do you want me
to make a discreet inquiry for you next time I see her. Find out if she
likes you?"

Nervous uncomfortable expression on his face.. "How will you do that?"
He asks, more frantic head rubbing.

"Well I'll jus ask her a few questions that's all. Like: you and J seem
to be getting on well lately. See how she responds and if it looks
positive; I'll ask a few questions but I'll do it slyly and eventually
get round to asking her if she likes you.. but I won't mention that you
like her, and I won't mention this conversation."

"Ok. Thanks, that would be great. Cheers mate. " He doesn't sound too
sure about it; but he knows it's the only way he's ever gonna find out
if she likes him or not. Instead of living in Limboland, he knows he's
got to be a man and take the rejection if it comes. Hearing 'No' is
better than never knowing.. and 'Yes' will make him walk on air for
weeks. It's that standing on the fence which is the agony.

"No worries mate.." I say. I'll probably forget about it tomorrow
anyway knowing me, but the sentiments there, that's the main
thing.

"Oh rich she's all I think about at the moment.. "

Oh Christ here we go again. A cheesy love song suddenly materialises on
the jukebox as if on que, and I'am thinking: help.. he's gonna witter
on and on about how much he loves K for the rest of the night now. She
might say when I see her that she only likes him as a friend. Alcohol
just makes you not realise what you are saying. It's hard to keep your
focus when you're pissed. Not that I'am bothered really. I've done it
loads, I think everyone's been there. It's good to get things like this
off your chest. I'am sure J is gonna regret saying all this tommorrow.
I'll probably get a text in the morning, telling me not to say anything
to K.

"Do you think she likes me?"

"I dunno. She could do, I mean you both get on ok. I will find out for
you. Don't worry about it."

"I can't get her out of my head." And that cheesy music isn't helping,
it's having a depressive effect on him, I can tell.

He's definately pissed. This is raw alcoholic emotion I'am hearing.
I've done this before: when I had a crush on someone, I couldn't stop
thinking about her. Kept telling people about her when I was drunk.
Only it didn't work out in the end, as she didn't feel the same way
about me. Crushes are wierd things man, but it seems like everybody
suffers from them once in a while. I definately felt better knowing she
wasn't interested in me; than not knowing. He will too..

"Look mate love is a conspiracy anyway." I say rather unsensitively,
going on my X-files-the-truth-is-out-there trip, sparked off by the
annoying music in the background. "You know all these cheesy
love-songs, well they're created by corporations and governments to
make us all fall in love, reproduce and have children. It keeps the
machine going. We're being brainwashed man.. it's an illusion."

J isn't listening to me. He's making eyes across the bar with a woman
who is looking at him and smiling. He ended up getting off with her
later and going back to her place. So much for the crush on K. I think
he's probably having a good time right now. K will be the last person
on his mind I expect. And as ever I am sat here on me Jack Jones
wishing I had a girlfriend. I think I must be cursed or something.
Cursed to be the eternal bachelor, someone who eventually takes up
celibacy because he has no choice in the matter. Maybe I did something
bad in a past life and now have to suffer for it. I think beer can make
you talk a lot of Barry White to be honest. I'am not sure if alcohol's
a truth drug, like some people say it is. Can't believe J man..

***

I think this has to be the funniest joke I heard tonight:

Q. What do you do if you find a rattlesnake in one pocket and a condom
with hole in it in the other?

A. Don't fuck with either of them.

I enjoy having a drink. The thing I don't like to do is overdo it and
drink too much. I hate that head spinny sickly feel like I'am gonna
vomit any minute feeling; but I do like the merry red-cheeked bubbly
chatty slurry feeling you get after four or five pints; but anymore
than that and I'am staggering around, and will more than likely throw
up at some point. I don't enjoy that feeling at all, it's
horrible.

Well that's enuf blurbathon for today.. time for bed methinks..

over and out..

~-F2002S-~