IF

My husband has just been arrested, for something he didn't It
was
a series of incredible coincidences: one thing on top of another.
If I hadn't thought the hot water was running low, if the
dog hadn't been on heat, if my husband hadn't been off work for
the morning in order to visit the bank manager, and if the
postman hadn't arrived carrying his mobile telephone and
talking to his wife just as I stepped into the shower.. he
wouldn't have been arrested; - at least I think it unlikely.
If I hadn't done what I did as I stepped into the shower,
because I'd turned it to HOT, (you remember I thought the hot
water was running low) then I wouldn't have yelled out in pain,
then screamed and burst into tears, and the postman wouldn't
have heard me and thought it was murder and said so to his
wife, and she wouldn't have telephoned for the police.
If just at that moment my husband hadn't realised the dog,
who you remember was on heat had escaped, and if he hadn't gone
racing after her, straight past the postman, who you remember
was talking to his wife as I was hollering inside the house, they
wouldn't have thought he had beaten me up and left in a hurry to
avoid arrest.
If the postman who was just leaving as a policeman and woman
arrived, hadn't shouted `He's gone that way, but she's still in
the
house, then the policeman wouldn't have chased after him and the
police lady wouldn't have come in, before I was fully dressed,
and
seen all my bruises.
They've taken him off to the police station and they won't
let him out unless I tell them exactly what happened; but it's so
embarrassing. The police lady didn't ask what happened, she just
jumped to conclusions and kept muttering `Some men, I don't
know, some men!' When I did try to tell her she hushed me up and
said she'd called the doctor, which was the last thing I wanted.
You see it was like this. When I stepped into the shower,
which I had turned to hot I nearly got scalded, because
there was more hot water in the tank than I thought. I tried to
avoid the water by leaning towards the shower door just as I was
closing it. That was when I yelled; well wouldn't anyone if they
caught a nipple between the folding panels?
As I tried to extract myself I knocked the soap out of the
soap dish and over-balanced so that I trod on it, slipped and fell. I
hit
my ribs on the shower tray, and my face on the edge of the bath,
I
made a grab for the wash basin as I fell and it came off the wall
and
landed on top of me, leaving me battered and bruised from top to
toe;
that was when I screamed and burst into tears.
The postman heard the noise, told his wife who phoned the
police and my poor husband who was trying to recapture the dog
who'd gone on the razzle, was arrested for battery.
I shall have to come clean because I couldn't possibly
cope with a litter of Labrador puppies without his help;
but how embarrassing!