Extreme Ironing

From this point on I think it might be wise to put introductions in
to some of my poems. By God, this one needs it ! While flicking through
teletext on 21st September there was a story that influenced me to
write this. An event held in Germany called Extreme Ironing
Championships. The following how the British team won the event -
possibly. (Sorry for the stereotypes at the end !)

EXTREME IRONING

Stop laughing in the room and pay attention,
there's a story here to tell that I have really got to mention,
about the bravest guys and girls that you will ever see.
A tale of how they triumphed and brought back gold from Germany.

Now what is so extreme about ironing ? comes a shout
We do it every Sunday when there's nothing else about.
The only thing extreme is the boredom of the task,
so what' so great about this lot ? I really have to ask

Once the fuss had all died down, my voice rang out quite clear,
I explained to each and every one what they had come to hear.
For it wasn't just the ironing our ambassadors had to do -
they had to water-ski, scuba dive and climb a mountain too.

Now think about this for a while - sounds quite extreme to me.
Can you imagine using an ironing board to water-ski ?
In scuba-diving what test could they have possibly been set ?
Ironing a dry-clean item which, of course, they can't get wet !

Climbing up a mountain with a board under your arm
is the type of crass stupidity that is bound to lead to harm.
Struggling with an iron as well, not sure we all could cope.
I'll hold on to tradition there and stick with crampons and a
rope.

I think by now you'll agree with me and thank God they survived,
that they got through all of those extremes unharmed and all
alive,
but they still had competition, nine other teams in all.
Most had made it to the end, the result too close to call.

The Americans, tough favourites, sadly didn't have a clue,
disqualified through habit - they had started half-way through.
Another team were the French, who were sure to take some beating.
They were sent home early too, for the national sport of
cheating.

The last event - they had to iron a shirt washed close to pieces,
the winners were the team that ironed out all of the creases.
We duly won, World Champions. Shout hip-hip-hip hoorah !!!
We're still winners, long as there's drinking games and things a bit
bizarre.