How to Write Erotica.

First things first: what exactly IS erotica? No, it's not a poncy
artificial language, though it does have a vocabulary and grammar all
of its own.

It's not a country, like Wales, either.
It's not at all like Wales, in fact, and vice-versa. Nor is it to be
confused with the Erogenous Zones. As every slavering schoolboy knows,
these areas generally (though not exclusively) lie south of the
Equator.

It's all down to your own personal
definition, really. What might be classified as erotica in
sophisticated Notting Hill or Islington could well be construed as
subversive pornography in Tunbridge Wells, for instance. And, if your
mum catches you reading it under the duvet with a torch, it's
disgusting filth and your father should know about it. It's no use
pleading that you found it under his side of the marital bed, either.
Puzzling, isn't it?

So, cast aside those
inhibitions and assume that anyone shocked by your adult literature
probably has an even dirtier mind than you. There's no need to be shy
these days (just look round Waterstones's) so just follow a few simple
rules and the nation will be waiting with bated breath and a bumper box
of tissues for your next big instalment. So, what will you need?
Little, apart from a fertile imagination, these simple guidelines and
the ability to type with your left hand.

One, keep
it simple. We're talking about producing verbal Viagra here, but nobody
wants to wade through a mountain of irrelevant details before the
clothes start dropping off. Cut to the action as quickly as you can:
this is fantasy land, where consciences, commitment and headaches are
all unknown, so make the most of your opportunities - it's never going
to happen in real life, after all!

Oh, and know
your market. Men are easier to please (ask any woman) and you can get
right down to the goodies in paragraph one. Women, oddly, are more
fussy; they frequently demand such unneccessary details as names and
descriptions of the participants above the waist. You might not be able
to get round to the interesting stuff for several paragraphs.


Be imaginative. There aren't that many variations
on the basic acts - if there were, why do porno films get
mind-numbingly boring after about twenty minutes? You don't want
anybody putting his back out or falling off the wardrobe, so vary the
location. You might try a vintage car in the hold of a doomed liner,
for instance. See, maybe it wasn't that iceberg that shattered the
plating, after all.. perhaps it was Kate Winslet's titanic orgasm!


Second - certain settings are right, others
hopelessly wrong. Don't, for instance, set your tale of lust and
depravity in Gateshead, Warrington or Scunthorpe: people never have sex
in such prosaic locations. Or, if they do, they keep quiet about it.
Use somewhere tropical - fewer clothes to impede the action, for a
start - or at least somewhere exotic with a beach and guaranteed
sunshine. &;quot;Malibu Encounter&;quot; might work, for
instance, whereas &;quot;Bingo Night at the Burton-on-Trent Wife
Swapping Circle&;quot; certainly wouldn't.

Don't
over-reach yourself and go thinking you've discovered something new,
however - you haven't. Those of you who've giggled over &;quot;The
Joy of Sex&;quot; should look at Pompeii's wall paintings. Oh, and
the figures that the Greeks painted round their crockery must have
raised more than an eyebrow at breakfast.

Three.
Immerse yourself in your fantasy, just as you do in bed when the wife's
gone to sleep. In this alternative universe, beautiful young women
drift up at parties and beg you to roger them senseless in several
inventive positions of your own choosing (after you've finished your
pint, naturally) - they never come over, pour their Babycham over you
and tell you that, if you don't stop leering at them, their husband and
three of his big mates will sort you out good and proper later. Don't
allow your characters to chew gum, eat popcorn or smoke - not until
afterwards, anyway.

Four - very important, this
one. The following are BAD words, definitely to be avoided: pants,
knickers, bra, wellies, liberty bodice, vest and tights. No woman (or
man) in erotic fiction ever wears tights; only sheer lacy black
stockings and matching underwear. Yes, fellas, just like in the real
world. Further words to be used sparingly, if at all, include: dribble,
slurp, damp patch, melons, Ann Widdecombe, dangly, squelch, Kleenex,
prod, ouch and no.

Naturally, there are also GOOD
words, to be used liberally. These include: thrust, moan, unimaginable
ecstacy, sheer, flimsy, heaving, gagging, again, yet again and yes.


Whole phrases, too, are either taboo or mandatory.
Put these words in your heroine's mouth at your peril - &;quot;I
thought it would be much bigger than that!&;quot; &;quot;Oh, I
finally went to the clinic this morning. It's contageous, I'm
afraid.&;quot; &;quot;Have you finished yet?&;quot;
&;quot;For God's sake, Mick, when are you going to paint that
ceiling?&;quot; and &;quot;I'm not doing that again, you pervert,
I nearly choked last time.&;quot;

Instead, rely
on - &;quot;Come on, big boy, give it to me one more time!&;quot;
&;quot;Wow, what a whopper.&;quot; &;quot;Oh, yeah, this is
the best ever.&;quot; &;quot;Yes, yes, yes.. oh, wow, yes, yes,
yes..&;quot; (Repeat ad infinitum.)

For men, be
careful with these - &;quot;Sorry for stopping like that, but I'd
forgotten the match was on telly tonight.&;quot; &;quot;Come on,
love, I can't keep this up all night.&;quot; &;quot;Do you reckon
that stain will dry before your mum gets back?&;quot; and
&;quot;No, it's not me. I only changed these pants a fortnight
ago!&;quot;

Five - get your characters right.
Young, willing, healthy participants of both sexes are essential: not
even the saddest fantasist wants to read about some gorgeous woman
submitting willingly to a Robin Cook lookalike! (Except Robin Cook, of
course, and he's probably off on some freebie again.)


After all, in our imaginations, that's US there in
the story, and who on earth actually wants to look like that? I suppose
the more imaginative among you might come up with something along the
lines of &;quot;Snow White's Big Surprise,&;quot; but I wouldn't
bother.

Also, don't make the same mistakes as so
many of these duff porno-film makers do - they're only knocking the
rubbish out in their dad's lock-up with a crappy old video camera and a
couple of bored housewives making their lottery money. No, try to give
your characters some sort of interest in what they're up to. What use
is a heroine who looks as if she's mentally compiling her Sainsbury's
list? Or, come to that, a stud who looks as if he's more interested in
knocking up that shelf in the spare bedroom?

Sixth
and final point - non-stop action. This is where your tale should
really depart from reality. In films, you'll have noticed, men climax
approximately every five minutes and women never manage it at all. What
are these guys doing wrong, eh? It's perfectly permissible for your
hero to jump straight off one (almost) satisfied customer to repeat the
vigorous performance on her sister/cousin/mother/alsatian. I know it
can't be done, you know it can't be done; the medical textbooks confirm
it! Still, even perfectly respectable best-sellers allow their heroes
to raise the interest after ten minutes or thereabouts (check out
&;quot;Birdsong&;quot;), so feel free.

Now
you have the basic guidelines, let's see that juicy stuff flooding in.
I, for one, will be waiting with a brand-new box of tissues...whoops,
what a giveaway.