F- Cuts

Cuts.

'You know da iv missed you girl.' His voice sounded in my head, low and
soothing. Again I saw the ivory, white of his eyes pierce out from his
shiny, black skin, I saw his head elevated above the noisy bustle of
Camden town where he lived, I smelt the fumy stench of exhausts mixed
with his cologne and saw the post-box red buses packed full of people
like a tin of sardines. It spoke to me of a life more vibrant, exciting
and dangerous than I had ever known.

I glanced down to the carpet and then across to the box of Kleenex
tissues placed in the centre of the square table. I wondered why they
were there, I wasn't going to cry, that would be letting my barriers
down and I'd done that too much before.

'I'm asking a lot of difficult questions aren't I?' The image of him
faded as she drew me away from my thoughts, I twisted my hands
nervously and nodded, smiling faintly.

'These things take time. I'm not asking you to tell me everything right
away; I'm just asking you to think things through. We can come back to
them when you're ready, Okay?' I knew she was trying to catch my eye.
Shrinks were always studying and noting down movements, apparently they
had some kind of deep psychological reasoning behind them. She had
probably read a book on it, I mused to myself.

'So, tell me about your family.' The tone of her voice changed and for
some reason she seemed excited by the mundane topic. I guessed it was
her attempt to draw me out of myself to a subject that hopefully
contained less pain. 'I know that you live with your sister and your
parents, is that right?'

'Yea.' I replied. I knew she was trying to get me talking but I felt
uncomfortable sharing my thoughts with her.

'Are you happy at home Danielle?' She paused for a moment.
'&;#8230;Would you rather me call you something else? Are you a
Danni or a Dan or&;#8230;'

'Danni.' I interrupted. There was an awkward silence. I hated this,
things were so tense and silent and I just wanted to scream. The time
on the clock seemed to be dragging. I thought of my family. In some
ways I was happy, they had never abused me or treated me badly, as I
supposed she was hinting at, I had just always felt out of place,
longing for something that I couldn't quite grasp or reach. I felt tied
by the strict regulations and high expectations placed on me by my
parents and a burden if I didn't fulfil their goals. Perhaps Rob and
his life had taken me away from that to some extent. The smells and the
sounds rushed back through my head as my thoughts returned to him, I
could see his eyes looking at me; they were so dark and mysterious.
That's what had attracted me to him in the first place. I remembered
back to when I first saw him. I supposed I had been searching that day.
Like me, the weather was restless; I had noted the sudden chill in the
air as I stepped out of the door and headed for college. As I tilted my
head up at the sky, the movement of the clouds seemed brisk and the
leaves on the trees chattered uneasily. The season was changing and
looking back, so was I.

'Do you like yourself Danni?' The question came as a shock, she caught
me off guard and I wriggled in my chair uneasily. 'I hate myself!' I
felt like shouting in her face but I kept quiet. I briefly touched my
itchy arm, the scars underneath felt raw and prickly. I wanted to pull
my sleeve up and show her how much I 'liked myself', tell her how I had
sat alone in my room the night before etching horizontal lines into my
flesh with a compass, tell her how much 'I liked myself' when the man I
thought I loved turned out to be yet another illusion, his words
nothing but lies. But I remained silent. Her eyes burnt into me.

'I know it's hard and I know you've got a lot of pain inside Danni.
That's why you came to me needing my help&;#8230; or visited your GP
who referred you here&;#8230;' She paused. I didn't, I thought to
myself. My mum made me go when she saw the cuts on my arms.
'&;#8230;Whatever the case,' she continued. 'You came here wanting
to get better. To help you do this&;#8230; and I do want to help
you&;#8230; I'm going to have to ask some difficult questions.' I
nodded, concentrating intently on the grey smear of dirt on the carpet.
'I don't want to push you though, I sense you've been through a lot and
the last thing I want to do is push you. You can tell me to belt up at
any time!' She laughed, a high pitched and unnatural laugh, attempting
to ease the tension and I smiled in response. 'That's better. You know
that's the first proper smile I've seen from you. Do you know that?' I
shrugged wondering what she was getting at. 'You're very attractive
when you smile&;#8230; well you are anyway but particularly when you
smile.' I blushed and felt a warm glow inside, the feeling brought me
back.

'You're my princess you know dat don't you.'

Rob's voice echoed in my head again. He had promised me so much and
each thing he said I had stored up inside, believing it to be true.
When I saw him that first time at the station he stood out. He
sauntered along, hands held low in his pockets wearing a hooded jacket
that emphasised his deep eyes, smooth dark skin and thick, soft lips.
It seemed to me that Sussex was void of any true identity or culture.
Everyone seemed so boring and 'careful.' They skirted the edges not
wanting to say the wrong thing or excite 'the wrong crowd.' Every face
was the same; every day was the same, the climax being the sighting of
a blaring police car or minor crash. Rob was different; he didn't look
away when I glanced over at him or pretend that he could see through
me, he fixed his eyes upon mine and drew me in.

We had exchanged numbers that day and I had known it was the start of
something new, only time would tell what that would be. I hated lying
to my parents the morning I headed off to meet with him in London. They
were so unaware. I sometimes wondered what they would do if they could
somehow see inside my head and the corruption that lay there. I was so
numb at that point- so void of emotion that I was able to distance
myself from the pain I knew I would be causing them. The events, up to
a certain point were clear as crystal.

I remembered the feeling in the pit of my stomach that morning as I
stepped onto the busy train crowded with noisy youths and men and women
in black suits clutching cases and laptops. It was the unknown that
frightened me. Dreams aren't scary until they become touchable or close
to reality. All the rules and regulations that had been drummed into me
as a child were screaming out, yelling at me to turn back. As the train
sped on and the green embankments and hedgerows were replaced by grey
buildings, smeared in graphite I felt as if I were falling down a long,
black tunnel and there was no way out. I remembered stepping down at
Victoria feeling so lost and small. The irony was that I had been here
before, clutching at my mothers hand as we waded through the legs and
noise, now I felt the same but there was no one at my side to lead the
way out.

The faces that peered down at me and brushed past me were so hard. The
sound of heels on the speckled floor pounded into my head and I felt as
if thousands of eyes were staring at me. I got the feeling that no one
cared for the next person, they lived by their watches, the tick of the
hand being more important than the beat of the hearts surrounding them.
I felt as if I was spinning around and if I collapsed they would
trample all over me, wiping their feet as they went.

The inferno of noise: horns beeping, people shouting and cars crawling
awoke my senses as I emerged from the station and waited for him to
meet me there. I could taste the atmosphere and breathe the people.
Part of me hoped that Rob would never arrive as I stood shivering by
the newsagents outside; perhaps he had never got my txt. Yet part of me
still clung on to the hope that this was going to be different and
somehow it would be a way out.

My heart thudded as I saw them, I wondered why Rob hadn't come alone.
There were four of them; they trudged along slowly, challenging the
pace of others around. He was leading the way and stuck out above the
others. They held their hands down the pockets of their low, tracksuit
bottoms and their dark faces were sunken into hoods. They walked
through others as if they were invisible, never altering their pace or
direction. I had wanted to leave, to be back amongst the warmth and
familiarity of my house but it was too late. I remembered his face as
he reached me: expressionless and downcast. He withdrew his hands and
outstretched his arms. I hadn't known what to do so had moved towards
him, feeling the hardening of his groin on my stomach as he pushed
against me. He leant down to my ear and breathed deeply.

'I've missed you, you know dat don't you,' he whispered causing my skin
to prickle.

'I've missed you too.' My voice emerged muffled from his clothing
uncertain of what I was saying.

We walked hand in hand, his friends surrounding us, kicking stray cans
and nudging each other suspiciously. I had felt a leap of excitement in
my stomach as we strolled on, not caring about the judgemental eyes of
the old woman with her shopping basket or young girl, arms crossed and
walking briskly to avoid our gaze. He had chosen me and I was special.
I had felt part of another life, as if I was another person and my
worries were left behind.

'Are you okay Danni?' Again I looked up realising my surroundings in
the humid, enclosed room.

'Yea, I'm fine thanks.' I lied.

'So, you're in the sixth form now aren't you?'

'Mmm.' I nodded. Why was she asking questions she knew? I had already
filled out a form about myself.

'What are you studying?' She smiled, placing her hands on her thighs
and leaning towards me.

'Umm&;#8230; English language, Art, History and Biology.' I caught
her eye briefly and then looked away.

'That must be an awful lot of work&;#8230; it's so difficult for you
youngsters with this new AS thing- I don't favour it myself&;#8230;
Do you find it hard keeping up?'

'S'pose so&;#8230; yea it's hard&;#8230; I don't like college
much.' It wasn't college I didn't like, it was the destructive minds of
people there and the personal struggle within me for achievement.
Everything I did I felt I could do better and nothing was ever good
enough. I preferred isolation in the library as people could be so
cruel and their shells so false and superficial. I remembered back to
primary school and secondary school and the sickness I had felt each
morning waking up to it. For me, school was a battle ground- full of
menacing words that tore people apart. I had been a sheep: if you stuck
with the perpetrators of evil and never argued you were less likely to
become the victim. This had its flaws when I was forced to abandon all
I believed right simply to avoid rejection. I hadn't always been this
way though. I remembered my determination as a child to please my
parents and keep to the rules, children can be so cruel when they find
someone different. I heard my own words as a ten year old: 'Yea, I go
to church,' 'No, I don't wanna swear.' My Dad had always told me to
stick up for myself and for what I believed in. 'Stand out from the
crowd chicks,' he would say as he ruffled my auburn hair.

'It's tough isn't it? There are so many pressures on you I
imagine&;#8230; Do you have a boyfriend?'

I never wanted one again after what had happened. The raw images filled
my head, images that disgusted me.

'Dats life girl innit. You gotta be laid back d'u know dat. Don't go
stressing bout wot's done. You're special to me innit, it don't matter
bout no-one else.'

I hated myself for the way I used his words as justification for what
happened. He made it seem normal and made me believe that it was
normal. He treated it like it was something that happened every day and
to accept him I had to accept them to.

The bass of the R&;B music vibrated in my head. This last part was
less clear, I had tried to scour my memory for how I could have changed
things but I only ever saw the same repeated images in dull flashbacks.
I saw his body pushing me up against the dank, bathroom wall of the
small apartment in Camden, my stomach reaching from the stink of faeces
that lay, stagnant in the toilet. I felt his clammy hands creeping
under my top and heard his soft but clear words, 'Show me how much da
you've missed me girl.' In my head I imagined my mothers horrified eyes
staring bitterly, biting back the pain as it stabbed into her. I hadn't
told him that I was a virgin, that all my life I had been waiting- I
didn't want it with him but I feared his rejection if I refused.

After Rob had left the bathroom, I pulled my jeans up and pumped
vigorously on the chain, which spluttered its refusal. I glanced at
myself in the cracked mirror feeling so distant from the reflection
that I had known for 18 years; it seemed that I no longer knew the face
that stared back: unblinking and pasty, lips that were dry and crusty.
However much I tried to get through to her and see that reassuring
smile, I couldn't.

Emerging from the bathroom I went to sit on the single, tattered couch
in the living area. One of his friends sat on the window ledge opposite
rolling a spliff and I watched as he cupped his hand around it and lit
it up, inhaling deeply.

'Mmm&;#8230;good shit.' He groaned looking me up and down, his eyes
glazing over. The room began to fill with clouds of smoke. I looked
around, chewing on my nails, wondering where Rob had gone and what
would happen next. I was conscious of the time as I knew it would take
a while to get home, I considered whether Rob would expect me to catch
the underground back to Victoria on my own, I hoped I wouldn't get
lost. Yet when I looked at my watch it was still early, almost as if
time was standing still. I studied the discarded, square condom packets
on the floor and then looked through to the hole of a kitchen that
joined on to the living area. The sink was piled high with dirty
plates; there were greasy, paper bags littered around and hardened
chips scattered on the broken tiles. A face drifted in through the door
and slumped down beside me, he was short and plump; his teeth yellow
and crooked under his thick lips.

'You're wanted by your man in da bedroom,' he smirked, kneading my
thigh with his hand. I staggered up, hardly feeling my own legs. Why
did Rob want me again? I was too tired.

I looked towards the bed, he was there surrounded by four others. My
first thoughts were utter confusion which slowly changed to that
terrible moment of realisation, when the fears that have constantly
been at the back of your mind leap out and manifest themselves from the
darkness. I felt numb as Rob slowly moved his head up and looked up at
me through heavy eyes, I could tell he had been smoking it too. He
beckoned me over, his grin a dazzling white and before I could think I
found myself almost floating towards him and taking his place on the
bed, pleading to him with my eyes. He seemed distant. I watched him
walk over to the door.

'You know something girl&;#8230; my bloods want to talk wit
you&;#8230;' Those chilling words had repeated themselves over and
over again in my head, night after night. I recalled the humiliation as
those nameless, writhing, convulsing bodies forced themselves into
every hole.

'She's tight blood!' They laughed, oblivious to the splitting pain and
dryness that stung with each forceful thrust as I tried to cover up my
naked body to their straying eyes.

'You know wot girl&;#8230; they're my bloods, my bedrooms. Wot me an
you do is special but de've always got me outa shit innit. If I get
something they gotta have it too, it don't have to mean nothin wit dem
but dat's how we live innit&;#8230; we gotta share. You can
understand dat girl.'

I had accepted it. Each time I had gone back there to see him I had
accepted it again and again, distancing myself from emotion, cutting
myself off from reality, hardening myself to pain for the simple hope
of love or the illusion of it. I remembered my silent tears that night
after the first time, dribbling on the pillow under my mattress, the
kiss my mum had planted on my forehead sizzling through my flesh.

I realised the loud sobs were my own as I felt a comforting arm wrap
around me.

'Shhh, shhh Danni, it's okay hun, it's okay.' I looked up through
blurry eyes and saw the same four walls of the psychologists' room. I
felt cramped as she moved further towards me and offered me a tissue, a
waft of musty breath reaching my nose.

'Maybe I should go.' I sniffed, pulling away and heading for the door.
This was all too much, I had to get away from there and out into the
fresh air, however much I wanted to let go, I couldn't, I realised I
wasn't ready.

'Are you going to be okay?' She sounded concerned.

'Yea, I'm fine now thanks'

'I'll ring you at home so we can make another appointment whenever it's
best for you, yea?' I turned and nodded as I walked out, unable to
speak as I gulped back the tears. Emerging from the building, my hand
felt for the plastic of the razor blade buried deep in my pocket. I
walked on, anticipating the pop of relief as the sharp edge swept
across my skin; the trickle of glistening red, blood oozing out like a
gentle river slowly carrying the pain away.