A fishy nightmare

I had another one last night. Remember it vividly- as clearly as i
see this sugar, plum scented orange glow of candle light flickering by
my shaking hand. In it was a goldfish- the scaly creature that tears
into my morning consciousness and eats away inside. The fish was in a
bag. One might see the image as if from a fair ground- puffed up and
bursting full of clean water; little thing swimming around apprehending
the sphere bowl full of colourful pebbles and stone ornaments. Not my
fish. I still see it now- bag more like a small zipped up pencil case-
flat and deflated; enough water to put out this candle light that casts
eerie shadows on my lemon yellow wall. The carrot orange creature lay
still- its tail flipping slowly but steadily, in a convulsing manner;
its gills contracting sharply. Its eyes- it was and is those eyes that
vex me still. Not the eye like that of caviar- a single jet black bead
of jelly- for that eye lacks depth; that eye has no emotion; that eye
stares blankly as if looking into a pit less hole. Not my fish's eye.
This eye cried out- its pupil swollen and large set in ivory white.
Prisoner behind a suffocating film; it fixed itself on my own twitching
oval of eye that flickered and slid to avoid meeting the painful
glare.

I recall my frantic actions like the day my little girl vanished amidst
a crowd of joyful, manic people screeching and clapping at a blinding
array of crackling fireworks. Then, as last night my breath was trapped
somewhere beneath- my heart pounded at my chest as if trying to break
free. With the briskness of a hare, I darted to the kitchen cupboard
and grasped... only a tall thin glass could I find, like the pyre of a
church. This, filled to the brim with tap water and carried, splashing
my hand, back to the square ridged dim room where the candle burnt on
and the fish lay flat to the desk; instantly catching my weeping eye
with its merciless gaze. With fumbling fingers I ripped open the
container. The small scaly mass slipped out from within, repelling the
hard, shiny polished work surface with disgust; at the same time did
the drips of liquid seep from the unzipped gash of the case. For fear
of breaking the delicate, wafer thin skin, I brushed the fish from the
table using the sleeve of my jacket and it subsequently plopped into
the glass with a tiny splash. If only this could have been a fairy tale
ending and I could have awaken from my deep slumber contentedly in the
knowledge that the eye cried no longer- yet no, this was not to be.
Ensuing the time that the water surface was broken, it poured over the
edge; at the same I watched as the lip of the candle caved in to a hot
spillage of dripping wax. To my horror, the fish sunk, like the rusty
anchor of a ship, and rested still on the circular base. My spirit
lifted as I saw the gills continued their rhythmic movement and the
eyes lay open but my breath did not release. For the first time I saw
it swim- not like the swim of a clicking dolphin in the great expanse
of blue/ green sea water but an oppressive lurch upwards and down,
upwards and down the length of the tall object.

I smelt it this morning- like the wrench of burnt rubber I used to
smell from my neighbours garden in the murky, crisp evenings of autumn.
To even think of it, my stomach gags and a thick, sour bubble of liquid
creeps to the back of my throat. With one almighty strain of rippling,
contracting muscles and one large puff of gills, the creature leapt
from its new dwelling and with a smokey hiss, came to rest on the
single dancing flame of that ferocious, fiery candle. I could barely
watch as the poor little thing became encompassed in the unforgiving
light; its colourful skin shrivelling black by the second. The intense
final glare of the eye burnt through my flesh causing an icy shiver to
cascade down my bony spine. Then the room was plummeted into
darkness.

I bought one today. The glass bowl sits amongst the photo frames and
jumbled papers of my desk. The orange, scaly creature glides through
the water- back and forth- back and forth, casting a watchful gaze
towards my fearful eye.