Forgetting You

The night is always the worst. As the darkness slips in, so does the empty darkness in myself. Once the world around me stops all I have left to think about is you. Sleep will always elude me. As my eyes shut, my mind begins to remember. The perfect woman. Soft skin, long auburn hair and the perfect body. Something that I once cherished with all my heart, is nothing but a faint memory. Nothing lasts forever, no matter how much we want it. One day you mean everything to someone and the next day you do not. When I think of you I think of the good times but I also think of what you did. You pour your heart into a person and one day they crush it. When I see you now you are a different person to me. The person that once took care of me and made me happy, is now the cause of the pit in my soul. However, the crazy part is that I still want you. Despite what you did, despite what you have become to me, despite how you have treated me I cannot stop loving you. The bitter sweet irony that the person who has hurt me the most in world is the person who can make me happy once more. The internal contradiction in myself is the part that kills me. I know that things will never be the same again, but everything in me wants to try. None of theses things matter though. You say you don’t love me anymore, that I don’t mean what I once did to you. 

What am I to do now? My head tells me to move on, but my heart tells me to wait for you. When two people have what we had it can’t just be thrown away. I know that I want to be with you again, and my heart tells me you still want it too. Somewhere deep in your heart I know you still love me. Perhaps time apart will bring us together again. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. I know that in time you will miss me. You will miss what I brought to your life. You were never lonely and I always took care of you. We made passionate love and spent hours staring into each others eyes. No man will ever be able to give you what I have given you, and nothing that you will ever have will be as good as what we had. People search their whole lives for love, and that is what we had. I am not the perfect man, and I never will be, but love does not have to be perfect. When you over think something you will always find its faults. However, you should never do that with love. If you over think love then it will always seem like it has to end. That is not how you love. When you are in love it shouldn’t matter what could or could not happen. All that should matter is that you are in love and that you have found that with someone. I hope that one day you will realise this and maybe we can be together again.

My mind has become a runaway train. All of these thoughts come to me at once and I don’t know how to process them. I try my best to mask the thoughts in smoke, but this only makes things worse. No matter what I do I can’t forget you. I want to forget you but I can’t move on.

As the days move on my mind has begun to change. What once had felt like I was only a bad dream I would ventrally wake from is different. Now to me you have become a once good dream. Something in my memory that I created to take me from my mediocre life. Perhaps that is what you always were to me. A virtual paradise that I created that made me happy beyond my own imagination. Were you real? Everyday I feel unable to answer that question, but as each day passes it feels like you were not. As the time has passed I have realised that when I think about you I become frustrated and angry. Now I am faced with the task of forgetting all the great memories we had so that I may finally move on and forget you.

So now I move on. I have decided that I am being upset and down for no one. You do not care about me anymore so being down for you means nothing, and no person wants to feel as down as I have been. So no more being down and upset. I find it had to imagine myself with anyone but you, however I have no choice in that anymore. When I think of you now I can’t help but imagine you with him. If that is the case, then I refuse to sit here alone while you happily move on with him. Trying to imagine myself with someone else is hard but I am ready to try.

My main problem now is that I live in a modern world that I cannot understand. A world of online companionships and brief meetings in bars and clubs. For you of course this is easy. You are a beautiful and sexy woman that could get any man she wants. However, I am and average man along with the many other average men. This is not good in a world where woman are blasted from an early age of the so called “Price Charming”. The perfect man that will love you in every way, fight any foe for you and of course be a male Adonis. This then conflicts in a woman’s head when she realises that the men who will love you and care for you are not the perfect male specimen, and the male Adonis is a man who will use you and discard you when he is bored. Unfortunately, the perfect man does not exist. The real good men out there are the average men. We may not be male models, but we can give a woman what she really wants. However, woman do not see this. They believe that they can find that male Adonis who does love them and will care for them, or that they can change him into that man. Meanwhile, the average men are left disappointed. So I ask myself, how is it possible for me to find a woman in this world?

You are becoming a faded memory to me now. Something in me still believes you will come back to me. Maybe that is just a false hope I tell myself to keep me from climbing a clock tower with an uzi or melting down into a pile mush. I do not believe that though. After everything we shared together and all the time we spent with each other I will always know you. I know what kind of person you are and how you act and how you feel. I know that deep down you are a good person. You have done some terrible things that I may never understand, but everyone makes mistakes. I hope that somewhere in that head of yours the girl I once knew os still in there. The sweet innocent girl who would never hurt me. I hope that one day she returns and maybe then we can be together again. I cannot wait until around hoping for that day to come though. I need to live my life and keep moving forward. I will always remember you and I will never forget our time together. I have now realised I will also never stop missing you, but missing you is all in vein now.

So what lies ahead for me now? The prospect of trying to find a new woman in my life. Maybe the possibility of being alone. One thing I have learned from all of this is that, I am a good man. I cared for you so much and protected you from anything the upset you. I was a good partner to you even when you betrayed me in the worst possible way. You gave me the cold shoulder and I still treated you with love and respect. If that was still not enough for you, then you do not deserve my love. Someone else in this crazy world will appreciate it more. When I think of you now, what you did and how you treated me I think you have thrown away a good man who would have loved you forever. I do not know what you want from life anymore, but one day you will realise you may have thrown what you really wanted away. I may miss you and hurt inside over you now, but you may miss me and hurt over me forever.

I will always miss you, but unfortunately I have to forget you.