SECOND PART

Chappter 1

1.

I am single and free and today I have nothing to do and all I want is a man to touch me and hug me and kiss me and take my clothes off and tell me that I am beautiful and sexy and make me shiver and wrinkle and roast with delight as his fingers stroll on my arm across my breast, passing my nipples gently, tickling me with erotic spasm that sends me into a quiver and a fold where I bring my knees in trying to hold the rise of my energy climb, into a hold, just a little bit longer, enjoy the touch enjoy the words that come out of his mouth as he is aroused and excited and just about to end it with a run to the pick and then he lets go and screams with the agony of explosion - agony because it's beautiful and amazing but it ends there and then and he lets go of me and puts his jeans back on and looks at his watch, time to go, he says, got to pick my mum up from the train station. you know, it's my mum, what to do, have to do what she asks and he turns his engine on, looks at his messages quickly, playing busy, and as I pass with my car, window winded down, sending a finished smile, trying to show I am cool friendly and satisfied, he does not even look and i turn the music even louder and take off into the night, all alone, all touched and not aroused, butterflies still in my guts but this time, they are making a huge pattern of a question mark, what the fuck am I doing here, how am I feeling, am I happy, content or am I just feeling so weird that I am pretending all is well....I drive fast, loud music still on, I am singing, windows down, allowing the wind to mess my hair and blow it all over my face just to distract me from what I am really feeling.

Tom waits is on the radio, takes me right back to so many years ago, before I discovered trance music and still listened to people..in the neighbourhood, he is singing in that amazing full voice of his and I let go of memories and focus on the now, on the road and on the lightness of it all.  I got what i wanted, I got what I asked, take it now, savour it with my kissed wet lips, swallow the experience into the tummy that minutes ago went dancing up and down, and be, just be here with what you feel, no attachment, no judgement.

I will have him again I tell myself as I fall asleep with the sensation I still remember of his lips on my neck and the weight of his head supported by his fit strong neck is still hovering over me, throwing a net of protection and warmth, manly and soft...I sigh in more delight and fall asleep.

I am new here, I post, new and free in the single life too, I confess, but I have always been free in my heart, free for this wonderful life, allowing it to let me grow, to fill me in with love and only love, regardless to the episodes of life outside, my smile is eternal and in owe and thanks to the opportunities crossing my path. A quick attack on the intellectual spectrum, that's my strategy for attraction but then I move into some boring details, for those who won't even read the above, after all, in this online singles group of divorcees, everyone looks like they are just after a fuck and the meat market is saturated with all postures of body images, provocative, sexy and exposing the best out of the person on show, well, so they think...I write my age down and announce that I am after a man, that looks young but feels like a man mentally, without forgetting to add that this man that i am in search for, hopefully, has not forgotten the child with in him, hoping they will understand what I mean, and then I bless them all with a magical day.

i got lots of comments, many friends requests, men, wanting to chat with me personally, sending warm promises of best action in town. I go through them, categorise through the images they are posting of their beautiful faces and bodies.  don't judge by the face, some say, but, come on, i don't know you, there are so many of you horny desperate men, and i am supposed to judge by - what? your photos of erections and drips of come? I often wondered why does a man think that  selected images of his dick, coming with delights, sprouting creamy drops out, is sexy? a bare chest of the masculine guy, laying on bed, in ease with a smile and a sleepy face, slightly un shaven, that's sexy. a man with a tight vest, cool ragged jeans, not pulling his groin tight for show, leaning on a fence, casually, pretending no one is taking a photo of him, that's sexy. a wet body on the sand, after sex in the sea with a casual appointment of a sweet girl, sun on his bare body, a look of satisfaction and ease that life is great, that is sexy. but a dick by itself, without a face without a chest without a smile, that is what I call empty, crude and unavailable to  be absorbed by the gentle feminine spirit who desires softness, caressing and beautiful words. get that men?

2

I filter my mail, trying not be rude and answer some that spent a bit more time and wrote more than, hi princess or are you there my queen. I can't do it, cant reply and I decide to ignore and wait. let's see how they are with some provocative mental material. I post one of my erotic colour pencils drawing I had done last year. there is a strong organic feeling in it and a connection to nature and mainly trees. I wonder if they will notice the details and the colours or will they just focus on the copulation part only, so I add a text, some words to provoke their minds more, if they read it. I think some will just see the painting, check my photo and then start again with, what's up sugar...

I download the photo of my painting and I start typing below -

 wild love with all the senses,

with the liberated side,

 in nature,

 why not.

 enjoy and act -

the only law is in your heart -

listen!

the first comment came a minute later after posting, complimenting me for my art but with spelling mistakes. reading adults sentences with spelling mistakes is like listening to a vinyl record with scratches on or hearing the dentist drill into someone else's tooth, especially when it's such a simple word that all know how to spell. or don't they? a lady noticed the spelling and came out with her comment, abusing the guy, starting a roll of argument exchange of nasty sentences, between her and him, right under my lovely painting of nature and peace. I took a deep breath, reading, trying not to comment yet, trying to see the funny side of it all and when the smile sneaked onto my lips, I felt light hearted and started laughing and my first comment arrived.

I feel sad that I put a painting about love and harmony and you are fighting here...I am taking the photo off, I threaten. Don't!, the woman replies, this virtual fight is going to bring more people to view your post..she is right, so I maintain the smile, after all, I did not really mean it, just wanted to provoke more comments. I think the painting was too wild for you all ,I add another comment and the woman sends a reply of a question mark, she did not understand me and now I see that she has not even observed the painting, just a quick glance, that's all. I am taking it off, I threaten again, and she replies that it's my right.. and then she posts photos of this guy who is cheating on his girlfriend, for everyone to see and I wonder how the fuck does she find the connection here and why does she need to interfere with someone's life here and she does not even know him....they are all so bored, so bored with  their lives, and now I am finding myself judging them and I look into my reflection on the mirror and see that my smile has vanished...it's time for another post, I gather and I switch to the mood of raising the frequency of my vibration by cleansing the mind from thought, taking deep breaths and watching the leaves on the trees dance with the mid day breeze, hearing them say thanks to the wind, they are hot too...

a young guy, green eyes, smiling with the affirmation that he knows he is good looking, is sending me a friends request. I confirm immediately, can't miss getting to know this pretty face and we start chatting. he too, liked my post but now I need to find out if he read what I had written or looked at the other details of the painting but the copulation part. I write to him and tell him I am 20 years older than him. does it matter, he asks, does it matter to you, cause to me it does not. send a photo of your body, I demand and he is already turned on with my directness. clothes off you mean? no, I say, just your upper body, with your smile too. hope you are not hairy, I add quickly. I receive ample amount of sexy photos and the excitement is now flowing in my veins, I feel aroused but not sexually, it's my ego, that is screaming with delight - I have been noticed and I have the power now to manipulate in whatever direction I want! it's all about confidence, trust and full openness. I feel free like a bird and  so light that my courage is soaring the skies through the clouds and the storms through the hot sun rays and the gods of creation and I am so focused on here and now, that the chat is taking a turn exactly to where I want it to go.

I am only after fun, I tell him, nothing else. will you be able to perform, I ask. I can hear his smile. me too, great, he confesses and he bombards me with a questioner of how I like it. I need to know, pre hand he says, to make sure I can do it to you. it sounds like high self esteem and strong confidence but it's not. the need to prepare pre hand is out of balance. when people meet, when their eyes look at each other, when they smell the scent of each other and feel the skin heat and the feel of the body, everything changes and flows with that. you can't decide how to fuck, you meet, you touch, you look, you feel and you flow. nevertheless, I try filling in the questioner, trying to focus, how do I like it, I wonder..I have been with the same man for half of my life and I don't know how do I like it. no, I don't, because it's not the same. Being with a stranger just for sex or being with a partner having sex is like two different worlds. first of all, emotions are cut here, with a stranger, you don't want attachment, you don't want feelings involved, you don't want to know too much so the baggage is lighter and the romping is energetic but super light.  so, how do I like it..?