Letter

I look down at the letter from an unusual angle but after a short
time the hand-written words come into focus. They seem familiar somehow
and my attention is quickly devoted to the story being told. I
recognise the sentiments expressed, in the way you might recognise your
own face in a broken mirror.

28 Paddington Gardens, December 28th 2001,

My dearest Susan,

You may not appreciate how hard this letter is for me to write.
However, if you respond to my message on your phone and come here, you
should begin to appreciate the true depth of my feelings towards you.
Perhaps then everything will be clear."

A promising start, if a little 'cryptic'. In my job you soon realise
that the world is full of coincidences, I also know a Susan. We met in
the candle shop on the high street two months ago. She was buying table
decorations for Christmas, I was just browsing. The first thing I
noticed were her fingers. Such beautiful, delicate, womanly fingers,
perfectly manicured, an expert doll maker could not match such
perfection. She was examining some delightful objects yet they seemed
so dull in comparison to the hands that held them. I read
further.

"Before we met, I did not exist. Sure, I had a life, I went through the
motions. Any external observer wishing to pass judgement would find a
normal guy doing normal things, a life worthy perhaps of a C+ (must try
harder). But since we met, well, things have been very different. You
have given meaning to my life, it's a little clich? but very
appropriate to say that you lit a fire in my heart. As if I had spent
more than 40 years carefully gathering dry wood in the hope that one
day it might be ignited and I could enjoy the warmth of true love. You
brought that spark, just one word, one glance from you and the flames
engulfed me. Over and over again."

As I recall, I also fell in love, then and there, with her fingers. I
did not need to look any further, everything I wanted to know was in
full view, caressing a 'Holly &; Ivy' candle arrangement as if it
were priceless Venetian glass. Nevertheless, I moved around the counter
until I had a better view of her face which until now had been hidden
by the hood of her coat. Impossible as it may seem, her eyes were just
as stunning as her fingers. I must have been a little too obvious
because she suddenly fixed me with an interested stare. Something in
her eyes had me frozen, all I could do was stare back. Then she
smiled.

"I suppose the flames were so intense that they blinded me to the
reality of our situation. Of course I knew when we started seeing each
other that you already had commitments but, somehow, I managed to keep
this knowledge from myself. I was living in a world of my own, you were
everything to me, my universe revolved around you, the brightest
star.

As the months passed every moment we were able to be together became
more and more precious. I remember most fondly the weekends we shared
at 'our hotel' in the Cotswolds. Those memories will be with me
forever."

Hotel in the Cotswolds!, another coincidence? I remember snapping out
of my cryogenic state and breaking into the biggest, and I'm sure
stupidest looking, ear to ear grin in response to her smile. She
somehow managed an even wider smile, more of a laugh really, her eyes
lit up, she said 'Hi'. I replied with 'looking for Christmas
decorations?'. A rather obvious statement but understandably so given
the circumstances. She was kind to me and we continued talking for what
seemed like hours until we agreed to relocate and continue in the
coffee shop next door. The rest of the afternoon flashed by as we sat
talking over the cappuccino and fiddling with the tubes of sugar. We
shared so much, loves, hates, childhood memories, hopes for the future,
everything, it was as if we had known each other all our lives or
perhaps in previous lives we had been brother and sister?

"I suppose it was, in the end, just too good to last forever. Whilst I
was able to live in my own dream world it was harder for you. Your
commitments were too strong and real to be disregarded no matter how
hard I wished you would do just that. While my love for you grew
stronger every day I noticed, after a while, that you were becoming
more distant. Other people, other needs, were not allowing you to give
yourself to me completely. When I think back there was always a part of
you that I could never capture. As we slowly drifted apart, I started
to fall apart. I kept it from you of course, I could never let you know
how I really felt otherwise I would have lost you forever. No matter
what end we were heading for, I wanted to have every moment with you
that I could. I thought about finishing it myself, it would have been
kinder to you, I know that now, but I could not. I had to keep it
going, I had to keep feeding the fire until in the end you made the
decision for me."

In the coffee shop we discovered that we were both living alone and
were very lonely, also that we both had the same feelings when we
caught sight of each other in the candle shop. Some kind of wonderful
waxy magic spell was cast by the mysterious witch like owner on that
'candlelit afternoon'. A spell that we both secretly wished in the
coffee shop would last forever. I continued reading.

"Even at the end, such a difficult time, you were so kind, so warm, so
thoughtful. As your teardrops fell I could feel the pain each one
carried on it's lonely passage down your angelic face. I caught a few
as they fell as if by preventing them from falling I could stop the
pain, somehow return to the way we were. I was desperate to have some
part of you close to me at this moment of parting.

It has now been five weeks since that day and I realise now that I
shall never be able to hold you again in my arms. To feel your breath
on my face, to smell your hair, to see your smile and hear you laugh.
Our love burned so brightly, it could not last for long. My angel, the
fire you started will never be extinguished. In the short time we were
together you gave me more than I could ever imagine existed in this
world. You made me whole and without you I am drifting back to my old
shallow existence, only now it seems so pointless that I cannot face
it. I am so lucky to have known you at all.

Despite what I am about to do, I am supremely peaceful. I go happily to
await the day we can be reunited.

I will always love you, please forgive me.

Steve. XXX"

I stood staring at the letter and suddenly realised someone had been
trying to get my attention; " Sir, Sir! the coroner is here and he's in
a hurry."

I snapped out of my trance and looked once more at the small man
hanging by a colourful collection of knotted ties from the wooden beam.
There but for the grace of God. "OK Jones, I hear you, cut him down
then and gently please, he doesn't look like he's in the mood for being
thrown around by some ham fisted constable, poor sod."

I got out my mobile and dialled her number, she answered immediately,
"Hi Susan, fancy a coffee? It's been an interesting morning."