Borgough Bootleggers

Somewhere in the Scottish Highlands, Wee Jimmy MacTavish was
distilling his porridge oats, to
produce a new kind of whiskey. He thought, 'this will surely win me the
prize of Borgough
Bootlegger for 1956.' Meanwhile, only half a mile away, Charlie
McSporran was putting the
finishing touches to his haggis dram, also with the intention of
becoming Borgough Bootlegger
for 1956 and getting exceedingly pissed in the process. These two
unrelated brothers had hated
each other since Wee Jimmy stole Charlie's kilt during a clan f?te many
years ago.
Each year the two rivals distilled their whiskey in the hope of winning
the bootlegger award.
Each year they had lost to Jock McBride, son of Jock McBride the Elder
who judged the
competition. It was said that Jock the Elder could tell a good whiskey
from a mile off, however,
at close range he was not so discerning and as such he had to sit in
the neighbouring village, one
mile away from the hall where the competition was held, in order to
judge it. This year Jock
McBride, a strapping young man, had moved to London to become a taxi
driver, bringing
disgrace to the otherwise proud McBride family. On hearing the news
that his son had moved
south of the border Jock McBride the Elder had locked himself in the
changing rooms of the
local ladies tennis club. Jock the Elder refused to leave the changing
rooms until his son was
back in Scotland. In the end he was enticed out by a kipper on a piece
of string. The tennis club
was disbanded not long after this event, when 12 of its 14 members fell
pregnant.

Wee Jimmy was about to add a special secret ingredient to the whiskey.
He felt sure that this
would make him the winner and show the world once and for all that it
was he, and not Charlie
McSporran who should have been crowned carnival queen in 1945. As if to
prove his belief in
the whiskey Wee Jimmy said out loud, "This will make me the winner and
prove all that is
contained in the previous long sentence." Laughing to himself he then
added the secret
ingredient. He mixed the whiskey, filled a bottle and took a swig. Then
he put the bottle down.
Then he picked up the bottle and took another swig and then another.
Wee Jimmy started
singing. The song had no real tune, but the words were as
follows:
"Charlie McSporran is a fool,
And he shouldna mess with me, its true,
For I am Wee Jimmy MacTavish,
That's Wee Jimmy MacTavish
Of the Gleneagle Mactavishes."
Wee Jimmy then fell asleep, much to the relief of everyone who could
hear him singing. The
sound he produces when singing is not unlike a wild coyote having its
balls cut off and he gets
worse when drunk. This is the main reason why his neighbours, Mr and
Mrs Pinkerton,
originally from Surrey, never say 'good morning' to Wee Jimmy when they
see him. Wee Jimmy
never says 'good morning' to the Pinkertons. Instead he says , 'why
d'ya nae go back where ya
came from, you English dogs?' The Pinkertons reply with an embarrassed
smile and a quickened
stride.

Charlie McSporran had been interrupted from his whiskey-making by the
return of his
daughter. Charlie's wife had been killed in a bizarre fishing accident
half way up Ben Nevis,
leaving him to bring up their daughter, Suzie, and water the plants.
Suzie was quite well known
in the village and at the moment it was the turn of Hamish McAdam to
know her well. On her
return Charlie had started to make Suzie some dinner, this provided him
an idea for his own
secret ingredient. He mixed it up in a butter dish and ran downstairs
to the cellar to add it to his
whiskey. He then drank a fair part of the whiskey in order to see if
the taste was right. Then it
happened, Charlie was drunk. When this occurs it is best not to be in
too close a proximity.
Unlike Wee Jimmy, Charlie seldom sings when drunk, instead he goes
through certain phases.
The first phase consists of a harmless and merry dancing of the
Highland Fling. The second
phase is a rather crude dance, which Charlie calls the Lowland Fling.
This usually ends with the
dancer lying on the floor giggling. After a while the third phase
begins, this phase is a little
melancholic, Charlie recites the name of every battle the Scottish have
lost. After the recital
Charlie demands to have his bagpipes brought to him. As people have
learnt to steer clear of
him when drunk Charlie has to go and get the bagpipes himself. On
fetching the bagpipes phase
four begins, he plays them. After not too long a while he remembers
that he was never one for
the pipes. Phase five; Charlie goes outside and runs down to the duck
pond where he shouts 'I'll
save ya Bonny Prince,' and jumps in. After splashing around for a few
minutes Charlie leaves
the pond and returns home for a few hours sleep.
The reason why no-one likes to be around Charlie when he has been at
the bottle are as
follows; women, other than his daughter whom he seems to recognise out
of some primeval
paternal instinct, are not safe during the Lowland Fling. Men are not
safe as, at some stage,
Charlie questions their Scottish loyalty, calling them sons of the Earl
of Moray, whilst attacking
them in the name of Good Queen Mary. The only person to never to have
been accused of
being a son of Moray is Wee Jimmy, whom Charlie attacks simply because
he is Wee Jimmy.

The rest of the villagers at this time of year start to get excited,
most of them enter the
whiskey making competition themselves. It is a legend in the village
that in 1743 a cat had won
the competition. This legend gives them all hope that they too might
one day win; 'if a cat can
win then so might I', they say. What they don't realise is that in 1743
almost the entire
population of the village had gone over to the neighbouring village to
look at a pineapple. The
only person who turned up for the judging was a young lad named Toby,
who when originally
entering was told he had as much chance of winning as a cat. On
returning home and finding
that Toby had won the contest everyone laughed and then never spoke to
Toby again.

The next morning both Wee Jimmy and Charlie slept in. There was only
one more day
before the competition and things were hotting up. In the village all
sorts of people were buying
all kinds of things and generally sneaking about. There was a last
minute rush on secret
ingredients down at the village stores. No one said much to any one
else as they ferreted around
concealing the one thing they thought would win them the
competition.
When Charlie woke up he went downstairs and started a fire under his
vat of whiskey. Wee
Jimmy awoke laughing and rubbing his hands together. Each man had
convinced himself that
he was going to win and could not contain their excitement. Suzie was
also excited, even though
she had not entered the competition. She used to mock her dad for his
rivalry with Wee Jimmy
but now she accepted that that was the way he was and no doubt always
would be. When she
was very young she remembered being afraid that the competition would
get him into trouble,
distilling is a risky business, and it is illegal but the village has
no policeman to enforce this law,
thus, making it legal in the population's mind. In fact the lack of a
policeman seems to have
made a lot of things legal in the minds of the population of this
village.
At the village hall people were tidying and preparing for the
competitors and visitors. The
Borgough Bootlegger judging was a real tourist attraction. One year a
man had travelled over
twenty miles to see it but left disappointed when he realised that the
Borgough Bootleggers were
not a country music band. Suzie was at the village hall with Angus
Younger the bootsmith, no
one in the village knows what a bootsmith is so Angus very rarely does
anything. Suzie is often
seen with different men, this is a cause for concern in Mrs Mulldoon's
eyes, she would say things
to her husband like, 'there's that Suzie McSporran with another man,
and she's not even
married.' Her husband would reply, 'its lucky she's not or husband
would have something to say
about it.' One day Mrs Mulldoon had approached Charlie McSporran about
his daughter's
purity, this caused him to fly in to a rage saying, 'how dare ya
question my girls purity? She is
one-hundred percent Scottish.' Since that time Mrs Mulldoon leaves the
confrontations well
alone.

As night began to fall Wee Jimmy had an idea, he would go around to
Charlie McSporran's
house and spy on him while he made his whiskey. So he set off and found
a crevice from which
he could see into Charlie's cellar. Wee Jimmy fell asleep, he had never
been able to resist a nap
after dinner.
In the morning Wee Jimmy awoke, damp from dog piss and the morning dew.
He made his
way home and began bottling up his whiskey. Charlie awoke and began
bottling his whiskey, he
was muttering to himself, 'that was nae a dog's piss Wee Jimmy.' All
the villagers made their way
down to the village hall, except Jock McBride the Elder who made his
way to the hall in the
neighbouring village in order to judge the competition. Nearly everyone
had entered and as the
time for the judging came near tempers were beginning to flare. Charlie
and Wee Jimmy were
separated on opposite sides of the hall. Other people were throwing
insults at people who were
otherwise their friends, this competition is taken very seriously. At
midday a man came in
dressed as a giant grouse and the villagers fell silent. Since the
first days of the event a giant
grouse has been summoned from the loch to come and open the whiskey
bottles so that the
judging may commence.
The grouse went around to each bottle and pulled out the cork. The
atmosphere was tense.
After ten minutes the telephone rang, it was Jock the Elder with the
results. The grouse
answered the phone and delivered the results. The winner of the
Borgough Bootlegger
competition for 1956, to be made grand old man of the clan for one
year, is Whiskey number six,
belonging to Mr Arnold Pinkerton. Everyone contained their cheers and
applause. Arnold went
over to the grouse and received his award. 'There must be something in
the rules about this,'
said someone. There were no rules as such and so nothing could be done
about it. Jock
McBride the Elder got on his cycle and made his way over to the hall.
Begrudgingly people
started to congratulate Mr Pinkerton, he was after all the grand old
man of the clan, even if he
was English.
By the time Jock the Elder arrived the villagers were beginning to
party. They had all made a
start on the whiskey, which flowed like whiskey which is like water to
the villagers. Wee Jimmy
and Charlie were sitting together in the corner of the hall, for a
change they were getting quietly
drunk. The fact that neither of them had won again was sinking in and
their rivalry seemed to
have ended in a draw. Jock the Elder hit his wooden staff on the floor
and said in a loud voice,
'will the giant grouse of the loch make himself known, that he may
receive the thanks of the
village.' The giant grouse pulled off his feathery head, to reveal a
human head beneath. It was
Jock the Younger. Jock the Elder started crying, 'its me lad. He's
returned to his homeland.'
Jock the Younger replied, 'Aye, I've come back to marry that girl.' No
one knew which girl he
meant until Suzie McSporran ran across the hall and jumped into his
arms. He kissed her and
then explained that he'd gone down to London as it was the quickest way
he could think of to
make enough money to marry Suzie. 'He must really love her if he's
prepared to go to England
for her,' someone said.
The night was spent partying, the two Jocks, dancing, pleased to see
each other again, Wee
Jimmy and Charlie sleeping in each others arms, Suzie with the promise
of becoming an honest
woman and Arnold Pinkerton named grand man of the clan and, more
importantly, Borgough
Bootlegger for 1956.