From Jester To King XVII

So it’s back to Manchester for the umpteenth time, back to university though I’m closing in on 50. Do they not know how old I am? Talk about ridiculous. How many times. How many times I have to go back to these grotty houses with god knows how many people sharing one bathroom and these corridors you can hardly fit a pin through, and my sexual desire on overdrive just to take that last module in history? Oh they never forget you missing one exam. And how many times I’ve been back and not got to take it! Grrr. Just when you think you’re done, and there you are again on a filthy bedspread in some god-forsaken louse-ridden kitchen, there you are, somehow oblivious to the fact that you’re 50, somehow it making perfect sense to be back at university again for another year, they must be playing their Jedi mind tricks on us, you never even get the chance to object to say I don’t need your exams I have two children and a well-paying job thank you very much. I tell you the corridor in this house, honestly. The corridor is so narrow I have to breathe in to get through it or I feel like I’m literally going to die when I’m in it, no I feel scared, no that’s not it I feel just really really sad, this grief overtakes me and I feel like I’m going to implode with grief because I can’t let this grief out. Can’t breathe just thinking about it. Anyway, we played football this afternoon full-sized pitch again, and I love the full-sized pitches and can’t believe I get to play on them but try as I might I can’t run properly, it’s like those dreams when you’re trying to punch someone but you can’t move your hand properly because it feels like a kiloton weight and you just have no power and it’s so frustrating you want to burst in a rage or stamp your foot or grind your teeth into tiny grounds of enamel, so frustrating you want to punch the person even more than you did in the first place. And I’m trying to pass the ball to Rona, and I can’t quite get hold of it, it just seems to bounce near to and around me tantalisingly and everyone else is passing it ok, it’s just me that can’t do it. Still it’s worth the effort, I’ll play next week. And after the game we’re on her bed and chatting just the two of us and she opens up to me about Jon and, my god it never crossed my mind that some people here might be married or in relationships and she said that Jon had been reserved on the matter, not sure if this means ambivalent, what was the phrase she said he said, he’s got a wonderful turn of phrase always did, something doesn’t erect me, that was it, the thing doesn’t erect me either way, as in doesn’t bother me one way or the other, which is a bit mean really like he doesn’t care that much about her though I can imagine him saying that with that flat smug older-man look in his face, well beyond his years Jon, and always managed to get along on his own, anyway when she said it, it suddenly struck me, and I felt for her, the sacrifice she had to make just to do another year here, and it sunk in and she obviously saw it had sunk in and I was empathising because there was this moment, quite charged, she’s not unattractive, tall thin, neat and tidy, pursed features as if everything’s always being pinched out to an apex, well it turned me on that moment and I wanted her and I think I could have had her but reason prevailed as always, sex is messy and not worth the bother especially when someone’s engaged to be married. Funny thing is, I don’t have any sex drive in London but as soon as I get here, it’s full-on back, and it wasn’t just Rona this time, there was another brunette with very thick ringlets and huge boobs milling about the house somewhere looking at me and me noticing here, and it’s not so much the ones I can actually see and touch, it’s that the whole libido thing comes right back to my mind and into my skin it’s like it’s deep within me waiting to get out so I’m on 24 hour pervert alert and there’s nothing I can do about it. I suppose I was put on this earth just to yearn.