A Trivial Incident

A Trivial Incident

Failure, failure, failure. I couldn't kill myself to save my life. Last
time it was forty plus paracetamol and I just vomited them back. This
time, being smarter, I reduced the dose to thirty five but sadly I just
woke up after four hours remarkably headache free. Maybe the third time
will be the charm.

Why an OD? Good question. I'm a depressive so sometimes I make bad
choices. Most times I know I'm taking the wrong decision... but do it
anyway. This has, to be fair, been the story of my life. This weekend I
purposefully set out to ruin my father's life. For no reason other than
my own anger and rage at the world. Except in this case it was directed
at him.

You see, six months ago my father made a serious error of judgement,
although he describes it as a 'trivial incident'. I just chose this
weekend to inform his wife of that error of judgement.

Six months ago I was living with my father. I got a computer and we
were able to access the internet. I went away for the weekend. On my
return, I went to check my email. I pulled down the address bar to
quick click on hotmail, but to my horror the addresses I saw suggested
sites of a paedophilic nature. I clicked on a couple... all young
girls, all pre-pubescent. There was also a search page still on the
pull down menu that said a search had been performed for 'pre-teen
girls'. Having come from an abusive household on my mother's side, I
didn't want to believe what I saw before me, but suddenly a flood of
circumstantial evidence filled my head. This would explain why he was
always so desperate for his employer to pay for him to attend
conferences in Brunei, with his two week stop-overs in Thailand - the
child prostitution capital of the world. It would explain his
alcoholism - well, wouldn't you want to block out the knowledge of what
you were, if what you were was a sick bastard?

I went to check his porn tapes. (I should explain that he was away from
home at the time.) I'd found his collection whilst doing a booze check
of his room once but never bothered to view any of them... no need, I
had my own. All of them were solo girl masturbation tapes. Of the
twenty seven tapes, twenty four were schoolgirl fantasy scenarios. Of
these, five were of VERY young looking girls. I have no doubt that
Fiona Cooper only uses models over eighteen, but if you saw these
girls... Anyway I took these away. (This becomes relevant later.)

Shocked and confused, I emailed the NSPCC. They told me to share the
information with the rest of the family, no matter how painful. I
didn't for reasons that will become clear soon enough.

I confronted my father when he came back. He lied and said he'd
accidentally found himself in these sites whilst looking for adult
porn. I reminded him that it was damned near impossible to accidentally
type 'pre-teen girls' but he was adamant. I told him that I'd ask him
again the next day, when hopefully he'd tell me the truth.

The next day, I got a different set of lies. Apparently he was thinking
of applying for supply teaching jobs and he thought he'd better check
that he wasn't attracted to young girls. So he looked. And he wasn't.
Phew.

I explained that this was an unusual thing to think about if he'd never
thought it before, but again he was adamant. However, the fact remained
that at the first opportunity he had, he had deliberately set out to
find images of nine and ten year olds, naked and posing provocatively.
He begged me not to tell the family as it would destroy everyone. To my
shame I agreed. There were certain conditions; he was never to be alone
with my daughter and he was to get some counselling. I even found him a
counselling service that was minimal in price and had experience in
this area. Did he ever get that help? Of course not. He spent six
months answering my questions about it by saying that counsellors kept
telling him that it wasn't a problem. He wasn't a pervert, he was just
depressed. (And no, I don't believe for one minute that he ever asked
anyone about it. I did, however, spend six months wanting to believe
it.) I moved out very quickly after this episode.

But now to the present. This weekend I told my family. They of course,
closed ranks and played ostrich. My father told them that I was mad,
angry, jealous, evil etcetera. The thing is, he's right. I am all those
things. But my family got caught up in the 'why' of what I was saying,
not the 'what'.

I rely on my father for the use of a car and petrol money to see my
daughter who lives on the south coast. These have never been denied me,
ever. This weekend I needed the car and he gave it to me, but made an
innocuous remark about his finances to which I took exception. I
stormed away, already planning my revenge. I admit it. This information
came out for all the wrong reasons, and I'm thoroughly ashamed of
myself for that. So why am I writing this?

Abusers are able to abuse because they are above average liars and
excellent manipulators. This weekend my father has been able to take
the moral high ground and keep it. No-one believes me. I shouldn't be
surprised, it's not like I'd be the first person accused of making
something like this up. I've been accused of blackmail; taking his
videos so I could use them against him at some point in the future.
That's not the case. I took the tapes so he couldn't continue to feed
his fantasies. Actually, he is partly right... knowing that one day
this might come out, and knowing that he would do everything in his
power to discredit me, I did keep one as evidence. (Not that anyone in
the family wants to see for themselves.)

A 'trivial incident'. The way I see it, whenever someone logs on to a
site to look at naked pre-pubescent girls, they may as well be holding
the camera themselves. I don't think those children consider it
'trivial'. I don't consider it trivial.

This weekend, my father, step mother and younger brother wished me
dead. Dad explained that he would go to my funeral but not shed any
tears. I tried to do what they wanted but, as I've already said, I'm
rubbish at suicide. I will keep trying and eventually I'll manage, but
I want a record of this weekend out there. I want people to know. I
don't much care anymore if anyone believes me or not, but still I want
people to know.

My maternal family was abusive. After years of depression caused by
this, I found out that my father gets off on images of children.
Genetically speaking, I'm screwed. I honestly believe my own child is
better off without me. She has a fantastic mum and a terrific step-dad.
She doesn't need the emotional baggage I bring every time I see her. My
own relationships are a disaster, and I have few close friends. It has
been pointed out to me many times, but particularly this weekend, that
it's no surprise I don't have friends when I'm such a cunt. This is
true. I am. I absolutely have been a complete cunt this weekend. But
this weekend, I have been an honest cunt. This is something my father
will never be.