A Question of Sanity:Chapter Four C: Fungi

She was ready to go. And she was going alone. Dressed in tailored black trousers and a simple pale lemon blouse in the new Stymex material that rippled with a soft sheen when she moved, she felt almost good. The summer was fast becoming a memory and she hoped that the yellow top would cheer her flagging spirits. She brushed serum into her blonde hair until it shone a healthy, natural flaxen, her elegant bob resting just below her ears. ‘Might as well make the most of it before it all falls out,’ she observed. One unpleasant symptom of her condition was that she would suffer unnatural hair loss. Matt had commented that bald people were sexy. Funny, she thought as she looked in the mirror, I’ve only heard of that when referring to men. Maybe I’ll go the whole hog and develop a beer gut as well.

When she came downstairs, Matt was still unhappy about her going out alone. Ellie promised not to dance naked on the restaurant table. She said she would at least wait until they were out in the street to indulge in any naked cavorting in case they wanted to use that restaurant again. Matt managed a weak smile.

‘Watch out for frostbite if you do dance naked. It’s nippier than it looks out there today. I’d hate for your nipples to go black and drop off.’

‘You never know that could be another of the mystery symptoms of TSD that I have lurking in my future, enjoy ’em while you can, babe.’

She wrapped her arms around him and they kissed. She half expected him to push her away after their fighting, but he didn’t. He needed the comfort that their kiss would give as much as she did. He felt impotent and small. Rationale told him that Ellie didn’t mean to do any of the crazy stuff that she’d done and that, if he loved her, he had to help her through this weirdness and not be accusatory. His anger was a heat of the moment reaction. He found her behaviour embarrassing and shameful. He could only imagine how embarrassed and shamed Ellie was. She told him to go home and get some rest. Neither of them had slept much in the last three nights.

Matt decided to stay, clean the house and make a light evening meal as a surprise for Ellie, an apology for his temper and lack of understanding. The house would be warm, welcoming and smelling of good cooking when she came home. Matt knew how her meetings with Rob could extend from one hour to four.

In the beginning, he’d been jealous of Ellie and Rob’s relationship, even though he knew that Rob was happily married to Gail. Ellie and Rob had something that he and Ellie didn’t. At first he’d seen that as a threat but as he became friends with Rob in his own right, and they double-dated as a foursome, he realised that Rob was an asset to their relationship, not a threat. Any jealousy that he felt had long ago been replaced by a deep trust in both his girlfriend and his friend.

‘I love you, Ellie Erikson,’ he said, as she disentangled herself and headed for the door.

She turned and smiled and for the first time in days it was his familiar Ellie standing looking at him, the old Ellie. ‘I love you, too, Matt, you big dope. And don’t you ever forget it.’

 

The restaurant was crowded and bustled with lunchtime life as she was escorted to their table by the maître d’.

Rob was already seated and he stood to greet her when she arrived. Both Matt and Rob had good manners; she appreciated that in a man. Ellie remarked, more than once, that she wasn’t one of those hard edged, one-legged lesbians dressed in camouflaged Stymex who wouldn’t let a man open a door for her, though she still considered herself to be every inch the feminist woman of the forties, the new millennia woman.

Rob helped her out of her coat and handed it to the waiter. He eased her chair into the table and she thanked him, grateful to have something soft to sink into.

‘Enjoy your meal,’ he said, handing each of them a menu. Ellie ordered an orange juice while the waiter eyed the large mushroom that was standing on the table next to Rob’s place setting. Ellie remarked that he looked as though he was chewing on a dog turd as he walked away.

‘I took the liberty of ordering you a vodka and Coke,’ said Rob, after leaning over and kissing her on the cheek.

‘Bad move Rob, I’m driving, but thank you, I guess one won’t hurt.’

Ellie could have guzzled down a bucket full of vodka. She made no mention of the fact that she’d been advised against alcohol of any description with the medication that she was taking.

‘Now, I’m really worried. You always come to our meetings in a taxi. I’m sure a meeting with me is only an excuse for you to get totally blotto in the middle of the day.’ Rob paused for a second, then he screeched, alarming everybody sitting at the nearest five tables, ‘Oh, my God,’ he yelled at the top of his voice, ‘you aren’t preggers, are you?’ Ellie blushed, smiling her apologies at the other diners who also waited for her answer and she wasted no time in assuring him that she was not.

As they ordered their food and talked, several waiters walked by, all eyeing the enormous mushroom as they passed. Rob and Ellie made small talk for a few minutes. Rob hadn’t mentioned the mushroom and so, playing the game, neither had she. Ellie felt the vodka warming her stomach. It felt good. They talked families and Matt, they touched on how the latest book was going, neither one brought up the reason for the meeting, and still neither Rob nor Ellie had so far mentioned the upstanding mushroom that was leaking compost on the delicate pink tablecloth. Finally, Ellie could stand it no longer. She had resisted, truly she had, but now she was bursting with curiosity.

‘Okay, wise guy, what’s with your friend the mushroom?’

‘What this? This one sitting here? Oh, I’m sorry Ellie, I completely forgot about him, do forgive my terrible manners. Ellie, Fred. Fred, Ellie.’ He motioned between the mushroom and Ellie as the introductions were made.

‘Hello, Fred,’ said Ellie. ‘I am very pleased to meet you.’ She turned to Rob and whispered to him behind her hand. ‘Not exactly a great conversationalist is he?’ she said, grinning at her agent and enjoying the game.

‘Well, it’s like this, you see, I knew this meeting was going to be heavy, so I brought Fred the mushroom along because he’s such a fungi to be with.’

Ellie groaned and stared at Rob in disbelief for a second, it was an appalling joke. Then she giggled. It was just like Rob to go to so much trouble to set up a pathetic punch line. The joke was never going to be worth the effort involved in executing it. Her giggle bubbled from the lowest point in her belly and turned into a chuckle, the chuckle was too big to contain and before she knew it she was laughing harder than she had laughed in weeks. She laughed, and laughed, and laughed, unable to stop. Everybody in the restaurant turned to stare but there was no holding back. Every time the hilarity subsided and she thought she had control of herself, she’d look at the mushroom, or at Rob, who was laughing at her laughing, and off she’d go again for another bout. Her sides ached and her ribs were tortured. Tears streamed from her eyes and her jaw was tired with laughing, but she couldn’t stop. The waiter brought their meals and eyed them and the silent Fred with distaste—and off she went again. Her bladder was full and she had to jiggle in her seat to prevent a flood, but still she couldn’t get a grip. She was aware that she was making a spectacle of herself, and it felt wonderful. Finally, she fell silent, but only because her body couldn’t take any more.

Rob was still laughing at her and looked delighted by her response. ‘Well, it wasn’t that funny,’ he said, and because it really wasn’t funny at all, off she went again.

‘Robin Price, you have no idea the good you have just done me. Thank you.’ With that she burst into tears and had to go to the ladies, both to relieve the pressure on her bladder and to tidy herself up and regain control of her emotions. Rob patted her hand as she left. His eyes were full of concern. He had no idea what was happening but he knew his suspicion that it was serious had been confirmed. He was frightened of what Ellie was going to tell him.

‘Well, I’ve never been so humiliated in my entire life. How could you embarrass me like that in public?’ said Rob, as she returned to the table. Ellie might have taken him seriously but for the twinkle in his eye and the fact that he had one of the restaurant’s huge pink linen napkins tied under his chin like an old lady’s headscarf from the last century. He looked ridiculous but Ellie’s brief respite from her troubles was over and she knew that she was about to bring the forced merriment to a close.

They were both skirting around the reason for the meeting. For Ellie, it was sheer cowardice but for Rob it was as though he knew that once the words were spoken, nothing would ever be the same again. Ellie was aware that Rob loved her, their feelings for each other ran deep. He loved her in a different way to the love he had for his wife. It was a platonic love that was not harmful or wrong. She was like his younger sister, best friend, colleague and drinking partner. Hell, he was a modern man, he was even big enough to admit that he loved Matt and, if he was going the whole hog, he’d have to say that he even loved that stupid great mutt of hers that dug his roses and crapped on his lawns. Rob was big enough to admit that he was scared.

Ellie didn’t do the lobster royale and salad much justice. She picked at it for ten minutes as they tried to make small talk, but the elephant between them had grown too big. For the first time ever, Rob left food uneaten. As though on cue, they both laid their cutlery down and pushed the plates to one side.

‘God, I need a cig,’ said Rob, who hadn’t had a cigarette since they became illegal in the twenties. ‘Just goes to show you, gal, once an addict, always an addict.’ He twiddled with his napkin as a waiter cleared the table. Then the waiter was gone and with him their excuse for not talking.

‘So, come on, darlin’, give. What is it?’

‘Oh God, Rob, this is hard. And there is no way to say it that isn’t going to hurt.’ She took a nervous sip of her second orange juice.

‘I’m dying, Rob.’

‘Well I know that, you kill me every time I see you.’

Rob laughed a hollow, empty laugh. As soon as she’d said the words he knew that it was true, that she wasn’t joking, but it had to be a joke. They joked with each other all the time. It had to be a prank.

Ellie talked in a strange storytelling voice, distancing herself from the words that she was saying. They were words, just words. That’s what she was good at; they were the tools of her trade. Only words and words can’t kill you, can they? Ellie knew that it took only three letters to kill you. Not even a proper word. TSD was all it took.

‘I have this disease, you see. Funny, really, I have this disease that doesn’t affect adults, it only affects children. Well, usually—I’m the exception to the rule. Not only does it only appear in children but it usually just affects Jewish children. Again, I’m the exception to the rule. I think my guardian angel stamped Ashkenazi Jew on my heaven records instead of Church of England. You can see how the two sound similar. He’ll have been at the cheap cider again. He’s already had two official written warnings about drinking on the job. You just can’t get decent guardian angels these days. Hey, it’s not all bad news, though. I get to go bald. Just think, no bad hair days. And I get to go blind so I won’t have to see myself with no hair, and the added bonus is I won’t see all the dust piling up. But you know the best bit of all? I only get to die the once. Not bad, eh? Well, as nasty life-taking, killer-bastard diseases go.’

‘Shut up, Ellie. Just shut up.’ Rob didn’t shout at her but his words stung nonetheless. A tear that seemed way too fat to be ordinary, hung on the tip of his nose and Ellie reached up to wipe it away.

‘How long?’

There was no attempt at sarcastic wit this time as Ellie spoke.

‘I don’t know. It could be tomorrow, could be five years. They reckon that, with a good head wind, I’ve got between one and five years.’

‘What is it?’

‘It’s called Tay-Sachs disease. Very rare apparently. Designer, exclusive. Models would pay a fortune for it.’

‘And there’s no hope whatsoever?’

‘Officially, no. But, darling, as long as I’m breathing, I’m hoping.’

Rob stood up. Tears were streaming down his face. He threw notes to the value of a hundred and fifty Euros on the table and grabbed her arm.

‘Come on, let’s get out of here. There’s a park over the road. I need some air.’ His voice was gruff with concern as the enormity of what she had told him sunk in.

‘Are you okay to walk? Will it be too cold for you?’

‘Hey, I’m not dead yet, you know. ’Course I can, but I’m not sure I’ll survive this death hold you’ve got on my wrist.’

Rob looked down at Ellie’s arm to see a red mark forming under his fingers.

‘Oh, my God, Ellie, I’m so sorry. I had no idea I’d hurt you. I’m so sorry.’ He put his arm gently around her shoulders, asked the waiter for her coat and prepared to lead her out of the restaurant.

She shook his arm off.

‘Hey, Rob, don’t. Don’t do that to yourself, don’t do it to me. I’m still me, you know? Still Ellie, still here. I get a bit stiff and I’m dropping things a lot, but I’m going to be a long time crippled, I’ll be in a wheelchair at the end. You can have the job of chief-gimp-pusher.’ Rob winced and smiled an apology at the seated diners who were staring again. ‘I’ll even buy you a chauffeur’s uniform, if you like, but don’t bring on my dependence sooner than need be, eh?’

They started to walk out of the dining room and the maître d’ called them back.

‘Excuse me, sir, you’ve left your, um…fungus.’

‘Fungi! Fungi, you pompous fuck. You know, “fun guy to be with”.’

Rob couldn’t believe his ears and stood rooted to the spot with his mouth open. He’d never heard Ellie talk like that. She grabbed him and together they ran out of the restaurant, giggling like a pair of kids.

‘Aw, you said fuck,’ teased Rob. ‘I’m gonna tell Matt that you said the naughty word.’

For the next hour they walked in the park, ate ice cream from a vending van and Ellie spilled her heart to him about the other stuff, the worst part of the disease to date. She explained to Rob how she was going mad.