A Brief History of Unhealthy Relationships

I was jealous of Laura. You and I had been hovering on the edge of a
relationship for about six months, gradually working our way towards it
by dint of email, drunkenness and sheer dogged persistence on my part.
And then you met Laura at a pub in Camden. She was a friend of a
friend. Beautiful but hard work, neck biting, stomach trembling. You
could glean little about her despite patient questioning. Her name was
Laura. That was all she would tell you at first. She had the most
extraordinary eyes you had ever seen. Blue-grey with a ring of sharp
chestnut in the centre. Over-glazed with liquid diamonds. The second
time you saw her she revealed that she had lived abroad for a long
time. Her accent had the odd inflections of someone used to speaking
English for foreigners. At your third meeting she told you about the
rape. A big person pounding into her vagina. She did not show any
emotion in this conversation. She described it tidily, with great
precision. You should have just gone home. But desire lines were too
strong. This was the last time.

We were sitting in the pub where you had met her. You looked round,
fake-surprised when we went in. You had almost forgotten about her, you
said. Hadn't been back here since. Two lies. You went quiet, sipping
your beer methodically, a centimetre at a time. The rest of us talked
amongst ourselves. We finished our drinks. You asked if I wanted
another. Regina also had an empty glass but you ignored it. She and I
were not alone in noticing this. I wanted to penetrate your gloom, to
make an impact, effect some sort of substantial recovery. The violent
memory of Waterloo Bridge was gnawing at the edge of my mind. You were
on the parapet, arms outstretched, facing me. Then you fell backwards.
It was a dream I had often.

'Yes, but?' Robert was saying. Regina's face was radiant. He had not
spoken to her at all earlier. She was calm, ready for anything. It was
time. He started to grow agitated. I decided I liked him that way. It
was more interesting. Regina was the estranged wife. From a distance
she looked attractive. Close up she was plainer with large cow eyes.
This evening was their first meeting since the separation. They'd
invited some friends along, just to be on the safe side.

Regina was becoming more and more animated now, laughing too loudly and
waving her hands around. She was expansive, wanting to include us all.
'Is anyone hungry?' she asked. 'I'm starving. How about a curry?' When
you said you thought you'd just go home the saliva in my mouth turned
to sawdust. 'Don't go home yet,' pleaded Regina, 'I want it to be like
the old days. Just because Robert and I have split up doesn't mean we
can't go out with our friends anymore. Anyway, it's all fine. It's
cool. Really'. 'OK.' You nodded. 'OK, I'll come then'. My tongue
unstuck itself from the roof of my mouth.

In the restaurant we were joined by John, a friend of Regina's. Robert
said he wasn't hungry but once the food arrived he wanted some: a
familiar and irritating situation for Regina. I offered him some of my
chicken. He accepted. Regina looked put out. She started to flirt with
John. Robert turned away from his wife. There wasn't going to be any
mercy this time. On the way to the toilet Regina asked the waiter to
bring more wine. She smiled lusciously at him as she did so. She was
somewhere between very drunk and completely shit-faced. The bill
arrived with the wine. It seemed to be too much. Regina took charge.
Asked the waiter to explain it with brittle charm. You and I didn't
care. All the tension was between Robert and Regina. John stood up,
getting his keys out of his pocket. 'Oh the key thing,' said Regina.
'Robert always does that when he wants to leave'. John looked
embarrassed. Robert scowled. We left.

After the restaurant we headed south on the Northern line. As we
approached Euston I became aware that I was clenching my fists, nails
digging into palms. I was terrified that you would stay seated when we
changed to the Victoria line, that you would carry on down to Waterloo
and go home. But you grabbed the rail and pulled yourself up. I walked
the tiled passages of the interchange with a spring in my step.

At Brixton we came to a halt on the platform, watching as the train
departed, wondering where we should go next. It was Robert's idea to go
to the club. Ten minutes later we stood at the bar, drinks lined up.
You were still there and I started to relax. With the third vodka the
attraction you held for me started to blur into a more generalised
warmth towards the entire male sex. I felt reckless and irresistible.
Every man who passed smiled at me. I smiled back. Then Robert asked me
to lend him my breasts. Soon my t-shirt and bra were off, nipples
revealed. He leant down to bite them, stubble rubbing against smooth
flesh. A crowd gathered round. John pushed through them towards me.
Robert lifted his head away from my breasts and picked up his bottle of
beer. I had a strong intuition that I should leave, but I couldn't seem
to find my clothes. John helped me look for them. He was intense. His
appearance was glamorous - long dark eyes and hair, tight low-cut
jeans. Next stop was a long kiss. We swung round and stuck to a
convenient pillar. There was unction in the air.

I looked over and saw you were holding Regina, stroking her hair. I was
magenta crazy. We were meant to be together but the time just passed.
We were so late. I was a fading flower. You were sexy but useless. You
asked Regina something, putting your mouth to her ear. 'I don't see why
we can't just do our own thing' she said. Robert left. Five minutes
later he came back. 'We should've gone to a hotel at Euston'. Regina
sighed and moved towards him. A nascent ailment was always with them. I
had seen it from the start.

You were alone now, caught up in the line that Laura had started around
her, hallowing her memory with power-cut candles. You needed help to
surface. Time was still passing. I was sitting next to John who was
taking a call on his mobile. After he finished our hands touched. The
whole history of unhealthy relationships was around us. Fetid aroma of
misplaced hope. John grabbed my head. Orange light, two dance floors.
They had the club there. Now we were moving. Black man on one side,
'70s sideburns on the other. We squeezed intently for several minutes.
I didn't want any more.

We sat down again. You looked at me darkly. 'OK, it's all over if you
don't come.' I held our glasses, thinking you would lift me bodily over
the table but you didn't. I felt awkward. 'No, it's fine. Really.' I
calculated that you would stay being dark whatever I did. All this was
quite usual. There were three people looking at me now: Robert, John
and you. John leant towards me but I couldn't hear what he was saying.
I wasn't interested enough. There were dancers were on stage. Purple
people with hair specially coiffed, all present and correct, slowly
perambulating. I surrendered everything to a sofa. I wasn't going
anywhere.

Robert and Regina were embracing. His wedding ring had moved to his
right hand. Regina held fast, trying to save their marriage through
projection and powdery white cleavage. A quantum leap. It worked. The
ring moved. They left.

John was an actor. He was smiling and laughing, talking on his phone
again. 'Go to Soho. Ring me on the mobile.' He stood up. After all,
eight hours had passed. He asked if I would go with him. Just him and
me. He took my hand, pulling at my arm. 'See you soon,' I said. 'I'm
staying here.'

It was just you and I now. Slow sipping of drinks. We sat at right
angles with spaces between left by other bodies. We did not say
anything for a long time. Then you looked at me. 'Laura did this' you
said. 'What?' I said. You didn't reply. I thought about Laura. Laura's
anger. You could write her a eulogy but it wouldn't do any good.
Surfacing occasionally through enormous effort, it seemed to require
more power than I had left. I was unclear how it could be done. Your
yellow face was too far gone. I placed my hands on you. You were dense
and impenetrable but wilted at my touch. Dim, spread out, all the
tension leaving your body. I took charge. Took care. You were with me
now. Harsh blue as the lights went up.