Turbulence: a short airborne drama

An aeroplane interior, circa 1968. Phyllis, a stewardess, enters
stage left, walks down the aisle and goes to the galley. She puts her
flight bag on the work surface and takes out a medium-sized butcher's
knife. She runs her finger gently along it, turning the blade so that
it catches the light. Her mouth opens slightly. The expression on her
face is a mixture of excitement and disgust. She stays completely
still, knife in hand, for five seconds. She puts it back in the bag
then walks over to the airlock door, grips the lever at the top and
pulls down vigorously to open it. She does up a button of her blouse
that has come undone and stands waiting.

Howard, a professor of Theology, enters through the airlock door.

Phyllis: What are you here for?

Howard [confidently, sure of his intellectual territory]:
Trans-substantiation.

Phyllis: Down the aisle to your right.

Pam, Howard's secretary enters next. She is droopily middle-aged. Loss
of hope is visible in her walk.

Phyllis: What are you here for?

Pam [low uncertain voice]: Salvation?

Phyllis: Follow him.

Next through the door is Augustine, a bishop from a West African
country, formerly a French colony.

Augustine [clearly enunciating]: Madame, I am here to taste eternal
life.

Phyllis: May I see your boarding card please?

Augustine: I do not need one. I am expected.

Augustine smiles beatifically at Phyllis and walks down the aisle to
where Howard and Pam have taken their seats. Phyllis smiles back but it
is forced.

The next person to come through the door is Sister Bertrand, a very
overweight nun.

Phyllis: Good afternoon.

Sister Bertrand: I'm here for divine intervention - G3.

Phyllis: Just to your left.

Sister Bertrand: Bless you my child.

Sister Bertrand takes her seat and Phyllis exits stage right.

Turbulence: an airborne drama in one very short act

Morna Hinton

Augustine: Howard, I must say I thought your point about the
existential nature of St. Hildeburgh's rapture was completely correct
in all respects. Would you care for a cigar? I have a couple of very
fine Havana's that I picked up in Duty Free.

Howard: Don't mind if I do. Thanks.

Phyllis [speaking from off-stage]: Welcome to BOAC flight 294 from
Paris to London. My name is Phyllis Bacon and I am your chief
stewardess today. Please ensure you look at the safety card to be found
in seat pocket in front of you. It shows the correct procedures for a
full and satisfying apotheosis. In the meantime, sit back, relax and
enjoy the flight.

Howard [leans across to Pam]: How's the headache?

Pam [laughs nervously]: Oh, much better. I took one of my pills.

Pam briefly reveals a small glass bottle clutched in her hand.

Howard: Aspirin?

Pam: Er, not exactly. They're for my spiritual crisis.

Howard [looks embarrassed]: Oh, right. Jolly good.

Phyllis comes down the aisle with the refreshment trolley. Her flight
bag is over her shoulder.

Phyllis: Something to drink?

Augustine: Water of life please.

Phyllis: Of course. Ice and lemon?

Augustine: Yes please.

Phyllis [looking at Howard]: For you sir?

Howard: Champagne please. I'm in the mood to celebrate ecclesiastical
niceties. Would you join me Pam?

Pam [giggles]: Oooh, yes, why not?

Phyllis hands them a bottle and two glasses then moves down the aisle
and leans towards Sister Bertrand who is sitting alone doing her
rosary.

Phyllis: Sister, you look a little cramped there. Perhaps you'd like to
move to first class?

Sister Bertrand [suspiciously]: Are you sure?

Phyllis [with false jollity]: Of course sister. Always happy to go the
extra mile for a bride of Christ.

Sister Bertrand: Well, if you insist. I could certainly do with a
little more leg-room.

Phyllis ushers Sister Bertrand off-stage [left].

Pam [woozily]: Howard, have I ever told you how much I admired your
disquisition on venal sin. Did you do much research?

Howard [also a bit tipsy]: Well, I, er, yes, I suppose you could say
that. After a fashion, I? hang on, did you hear that?

Pam: What?

Howard: Sounded like a scream.

Pam: Was it an ecstatic sort of scream? Perhaps it's nearly time for
the apotheosis?

Howard: Ah, yes, I think you're right.

Pam: You know I'm starting to feel rather light-headed. This must be
it.

They look at each other in wonder. It is a moment of revelation.

Phyllis enters stage left holding Sister Bertrand's arm, rosary beads
still twined round the hand. In the other hand is the butcher's knife,
covered in blood. She goes to the galley and carefully carves the flesh
off the bone with the knife the slowly eats it morsel by morsel.

Back in the cabin, Augustine is praying loudly in Latin, holding the
safety instruction card in one hand. Howard and Pam are kissing.

Male voice, off-stage: This is your captain speaking. As you may have
noticed we have hit some turbulence. Grave moral dilemmas are likely. I
suggest that you contemplate your mortal souls until the fasten
seatbelt sign has been switched off again.

The lights go out. The stewardess call bell rings repeatedly. There is
the sound of metal colliding with cold air.