Seeing the past as something other than...

it doesn't seem so meaningless any more,
my past,
years and years of searching for ways to bandage myself,
listening to the crazy voice in my head,
doing the wrong things,
telling lies to cover myself up.

i was horrified. i thought
i was evil. i was trying to hide my sinful nature.
it wasn't that simple.
i was just trying to pick up the broken pieces
of my life,
make myself whole,
trying to accept myself,
finding myself
so that i could go on...
not do and then undo myself
over and over again.

i apologize to all those whom i lied to,
done evil to...
i did not know what i was doing...
i really apologize.

Something broke inside of me so long ago.

i didn't know what to do,
i tried to fix myself with anger,
with sex,
with petty crimes,
hiding hiding in vengeance.

i'm sorry.
i was trying to hurt someone.
it was wrong.

i try not to make the same mistakes over
and over again. i try to conscious,
try to consciously change my behavior.
I take baby steps toward normalcy,
trying to be real.