Granny Fiddler

GRANNY FIDDLER
Vera was bustling when the day nurse - Marie - popped her head around the door
"Vera, you've got a visitor - 0. K. ?".
This was said with a peculiar patronising tone that some nurses use when they have nothing but contempt for their charges. Vera peered at her over her specs from her chair in the wardrobe her head shaking slightly, "Who is it she said.
"It's your nephew, says he' s come to take you out for a spin -what are you doing in there?.
"I live here! said Vera somewhat taken aback at the nurse's impudence.
"Oh what are we going to do with you? said Marie as if she were talking to a child.
"Get me ready to go out I 'ope, that's what your paid for, which nephew is it?, I've got five.
"He didn't say, how am I supposed to know? he just said he was your nephew. And anyway I thought you said you had no family!.
Marie was starting to get a little short tempered. It came easy to her. She wasn't happy.
"Don't take that tone with me young lady said Vera "where's ' e taking me?.
"How should I know?.
Marie was quickly losing her patience. she grabbed Vera tightly by the wrist hauling her out of the wardrobe.
"Ow! you little madam, you missed your calling, you'd 'ave done well in the Gestapo yelped Vera.
Marie knew not to get her too worked up or she'd play up and ruin her afternoon.
"You'd better put your teeth in- where are they?
"Don't know, Vera was now sulking. Marie spotted them in the Goldfish bowl.
"Whatever in Gods' name are they doing in there?
"I dunno -'e must a got 'em.
"Don' t be daft Vera, Goldfish never leave their bowls and what would he be wanting with your teeth?
"Bite you I 'spect muttered Vera under her breath. Marie began fishing for the teeth in the Goldfish bowl and handed them to Vera, "Here, if you behave yourself he'll probably take you out for a meal.
Vera looked quizzically at Marie "What, the Goldfish?,
Marie put her hands on her hips in an exasperated fashion, "No- Gary of course
" Who's Gary?
"Your flippin' nephew! shouted Marie.
"I 'aven't got a flippin' nephew! Vera shouted back.
"Yes you have you've got flippin' five or that's what you said a few moments ago. shouted Marie getting much more shrill." Have you got a nephew, a single sodding nephew let alone five 'cos if you haven't I want to know who that is that's standing out there waiting to take you out!!!!.
"You said it was Gary said Vera very quietly.
Marie took a long deep breath closed her eyes and felt the very will to live leave her body. Vera just looked at her in quiet triumph.
Marie was thinking that yes she should have stayed on at school and maybe gone on to the local Poly. I could have been something by now. I could have been a hairdresser or a beautician, but not this, not this crap. She wished she'd never met Kevin the great love of her life, he'd promised her everything and gave her something. He'd given her hope. The dream of a little cottage with roses around the doorway, a couple of kids maybe a dog and a cat or a macaw. But Kevin had to go to sea to make his fortune and he did. Go to sea. But he didn't make a fortune. He got very drunk one night on the ferry that he was working on and fell overboard. He fetched up in Dieppe two days later, very drowned.
And now this.
"Are you going out with that young man out there? she said quite firmly to Vera
"What Gary me nephew?.
"Oh you are a scamp Vera, winding me up like that she said tweeking Vera's cheek a little harder than was necessary "And there's me the mug for falling for it. You'll enjoy being taken out for a meal by a handsome young man.
"Not 'ungry scowled Vera picking at a scab.
"Don' t do that you'll make it much worse said Marie smacking her on the hand lightly "and you'll love being taken out f or a meal.
Vera sighed, she knew it was no good arguing with someone like Marie. They permeate your life these people - like a nagging fester. Marie unplugged Vera's colostomy bag and took it out to empty it in the passage toilet. She returned a few moments later with the empty bag and a look of contempt which was hard to sustain as she was trying hard not to vomit. Marie did not like this side of nursing.
Somebody had lied.
As she was about to plug the bag back in there was a sudden whoosh of liquified excrement from Vera which sprayed over Marie's hands and splashed her face and uniform.
"You dirty old cow-you did that on purpose Marie screamed. "No I didn't I can't control meself that's why I've got one of them fings, with that Vera burst noisily into tears. The Matron came into the room to see what the commotion was all about, Marie explained her side of the story but was told in no uncertain terms to get on with the job and not to make such a fuss. Vera allowed herself a little smile, 'that'll teach her' she thought. When Vera was finally ready she tottered out with Marie to the waiting room where she was introduced to a young man she in no way recognised. "Which one are you? she enquired, "I'm Gary, I was here a couple of weeks ago. He raised his eyes at Marie in amused long sufferance, "God your memory's getting much worse Gran.
"I thought you said you were her nephew Marie cut in.
He looked startled for a second but regained his composure, "ah I see the confusion, I was here a couple of weeks ago with her nephew my cousin, Phil, we've obviously been mixed up-and not just in Grans' mind.
He laughed slightly.
Vera said "I don't care 'oo 'e is I want to get out of 'ere!.
And with that started teetering toward the door. Gary caught her up and gently ushered her through, he looked back over his shoulder at Marie and winked saying that they'd be back before nightfall unless Vera wanted to go dancing; he carried on walking looking back and laughing. Marie thought it was wonderful to be cared for like that, so few families care for their old. It's nice to see a Grandson taking care of his Gran, he really was a handsome young man. She wondered if he might take her out for a meal some time, I'll have to be especially nice to Vera from now on she thought.
Vera took one look at Gary's car which was a rather rusting battered old Ford, "you want me to get into that? - that's older than me that is!.
Gary laughed and told her that there was no problem with the car and in actual fact he was hoping to buy a new car that very afternoon. Vera placated, condescended to get in, and once firmly strapped in was secretly thrilled at being taken out for a meal by a grandson she'd never met before.
Vera began humming quietly to herself as Gary threaded his way through the traffic.
"Which one do you belong to? enquired Vera, "Oh Gran, I'm Eileen's son, your memory has got bad, mind you I have been working abroad for a long time. Do you even know who Eileen is?.
"No can't say as I do said Vera. She continued humming.
As they drove along Gary said something about having to look at the new car before they went to eat - it shouldn't take too long. Vera said that that was no problem and not to worry about her "It's just nice to see the world again.
She thought about hamburger and chips - something she wasn't allowed in the home - oh yes and a strawberry milk shake, bugger the special diet, they're just skinflints that's all they are, she thought. I'll tell Marie, she'll be so cross, I wonder why she's so angry with me all the time - I saw the way she looked at Gary - maybe I can extract a few concessions from her if I tell her that Gary was asking about her.
They pulled up in a street pockmarked with children playing on the pavements, and where net curtains twitched whenever something or someone strange happened.
Working class genteel.
Gary got out and told her that he wouldn't be long, she did wonder how he was going to get two cars home though. She watched him knock at a door with bottle glass in the frame and carriage lamps on the wall outside, the window frames were plastic with mock Georgian leaded light windows. That's nice thought Vera. A youngish man answered the door, about thirty, blond and muscular with white tee shirt and jeans. They exchanged a few words then walked to a silver grey car which Vera had no idea was a Ford Sierra Cosworth. The acceleration on this car caused teeth fillings to melt. Vera watched the two men striking their deal, looking under the bonnet, rubbing an appreciative hand along the sleek curves of this defier of logic and gravity. Vera was almost hugging herself, what will they think of me at the home when they see me come back in that. There seemed a problem however when the young muscular man began shaking his head, but Gary indicated toward Vera and they both walked to where she was sitting. Gary stuck his head inside the open window and said "Gran, if this gentleman waits with you do you mind if I go for a quick spin around the block while you wait here, just to see if every thing's o.k. on the car?
"No that's fine love - just be careful!.
With that the young man plopped the keys into Gary's hand and muttered "just take it easy.
They watched him pull slowly away, the young man with muscles began to pace nervously up and down biting his nails as his pride and joy disappeared around the corner. I bet 'is mum gives 'im 'ell over bitin' 'is nails' thought Vera. The young man seemed to understand what she was thinking and pulled his hands from his mouth and grinned at her sheepishly. She grinned back.
A few girls were playing hopscotch on the pavement, a couple of boys pretended to be 'Power Rangers' using sticks as ray guns. 'it's nice to think they still play the old games' thought Vera. She began humming 'White Cliffs of Dover', the blond man carried on pacing.
'They just can't sit still these young people, Vera mused, always rushin' somewhere, just look at these gadgets on this car, The cassette player confused her. Maybe it's for toasting sandwiches she thought, when you're on a picnic, cor, tha's 'andy. She'd driven during the war, no gadgets in them days, if you wanted toasted sandwiches you 'ad to light a fire y'self, there wuz plenty 'o' them too 'an you 'ad to drive in the dark,'
The blond man absent mindedly began biting his nails again; he'd not stopped pacing. He looked at her and raised his eyebrows in that facial expression which means everything and nothing.
"He won't be too long will he? he asked. "No, don't know - I'm eighty
five. The reply confused him as much as it did Vera. 'I don't know why I say them fings she thought, I do forget fings I know but I can't seem to stop meself from saying daft fings.
"Is it your birthday today? he asked, "no; don't fink so anyhow.
"I just thought that your Grandson was taking you out for a special treat he said,
"Ooh no, 'e ain't me Grandson, I ain't never seen 'im before; don't know 'oo 'e 'is.
The young man looked slightly alarmed at this, "but he said he was your Grandson and that I was to wait with you because you'd be nervous sitting on your own.
"What me? - nervous? - nah I drove in the war in the dark, but I do get a bit forgetful, but 'e ain't me Grandson I knows that, "Now what's going on, is this some kind of leg-pull by one of my mates? 'cos if it is I don't think it's very funny.
"I don't know what your goin' on abaht dear I've just come up 'ere for a meal wiv me Grandson, s'no good 'avin' a go at me!. "But you said he wasn't your grandson.
"Well 'e said 'e was an' that's good enough for me. "Is he your grandson or not?, 'Ow should I know I ain't never seen 'im before.
The young man wanted to strangle Vera, he was totally dumbfounded, it must be some kind of a joke, I'm being stupid he thought she's just dotty, he'll be back any minute, "Is he a good driver your grandson?. "Oh yeh, we didn't 'it nuffink comin' up 'ere - I'm eighty five dear!. The young man put his head in his hands.
A door opened and a young woman in jeans and a T-shirt, sporting large brass earrings and chewing gum as if she had a live 'jumping jack' in her mouth, asked if everything was alright. The young man walked up to the door and an animated discussion began to take place. A small red haired freckle faced girl, sensing drama, came up to the car window and stared at Vera. Vera depressed the cigarette lighter hoping for some music. Brass earrings and Blondman were discussing what to do, the woman's mouth threatening to explode as the velocity of the chewing increased, the young man accompanied her, chewing his nails down to the knuckle. A small brown and white fluffy ball came bouncing out of the house 'yipping' constantly, It was a long haired spaniel pup. The woman bent down and picked it up saying "Oh fwuffy you can't go out there without your lead.
She constantly licked the dogs' tongue as it animatedly licked hers. The young man raised his eyebrows in long suffering exasperation. Suddenly there was a scream from the car which made Brass Earrings jump - which made 'Fwuffy' jump - right out of her hands, Brass Earrings screamed at the top of her voice which served to only panic the dog even more, it tore off like it had a lit match up its arse. At that moment there was a screech from the car, the blond man turned around to see smoke billowing from the old Ford, he immediately dashed over and wrenched the door open to see the old lady covered in smoke and yelling that the radio had caught fire. He began to drag her free but she was caught by the safety belt, he leant over and released the catch and dragged her bodily out.
His wife screamed in the distance "What abaht the fuckin' dog!.
He beat out the smouldering dress with his hands then raced inside the house. He returned brandishing a large fire extinguisher and flipped the catch and sprayed the inside of the smoke filled car, covering the dashboard with white foam. His wife was hopping up and down like a dervish with it's tail up.
"Jimmy! the dog the dog! leave 'er she's alright! By this time she was screaming into his face.
"The dog's run off, why don't you do somefing instead of just standin' there! ".
"Do something? I'll bloody do something alright!.
And with that he flipped the catch on the fire extinguisher and began to cover his wife from head to toe with white foam.
"That bloody dog has been nothing but trouble since you got it, yapping all bloody day and night She tried to ward off the foam with her hands, her face an ugly white mask, "and if that bloody animal so much as makes another noise I shall ram this up it's arse to give it something to yap about ” NOW SHUT UP!. She was now on her knees in an act of grotesque penitence, her arms held out before her in a still vain attempt at warding off the jet of foam. She was blubbing through the white mass causing bubbles to form around her mouth
"Get the dog, get Fluffy - please!.
He switched off the extinguisher and put it down by the car. He turned to Vera, she held up the cigarette lighter and said "You see - the knob fell off.
Jimmy put his head in his hands and wept silently.
The little red headed girl now satisfied, peered in through the window at the spumy interior of the Ford. All of the kids and most of the neighbours by this time had come out to watch this tiny snatch of working class life, a neighbour came out and said "Jim, that was a bit 'over the top' and was told in no uncertain terms where he could stick his comments. Jim picked up his wife who was still literally blubbing, someone brought her a towel in a vain attempt at drying her off, but served more to cover her shame at being so exotically humiliated in such a public manner. Vera tottered into the open house leaving them to there reconciliation and slammed the door. Jimmy's life was seemingly falling apart at a speed greater than that of any high performance car.
"Oh no, where's she gone?.
This was a redundant question. Vera was inside looking around, marvelling at modern architecture. Black wood effect book cases with matching stereo system, white leather look furniture with matching shag pile carpet, porcelain figurines of dogs scattered on the many shelves that adorned the Mahogany look kitchen, and the flowers; she hadn't seen flowers like these since she were a child. She touched one, it was paper. 'Oo, that's good' she thought, 'much less trouble'.
There was a loud banging on the front door, she wondered who it could be, she hadn't been expecting anybody. She could see someone through the glass, "oo is it?.
"It's me said Jim "c'mon open up. "Oo's Jim, I don't know any Jim, what have you come for?. "I haven't come for anything I live here, now open up the door there's a dear.
"I've lived here for nigh on fifty years and the only Jim I knows was a right scally, so you can bugger off replied Vera.
There was a huge kick at the door.
"No you don't!, I live here with me and me wife and a bleedin' dog called Fluffy, he was now kneeling down shouting through the letterbox, "you're just confused, now where have you come from? was that your grandson? and where did he pick you up from? and where's he gone with my bleedin' car?, "Oh I don't know said Vera