My Life Oy Vay 4 (DIARY OF A SEX MAD TOSSPOT)
My Life Oy Vay 4
Some months and many a relapse later. Well if the booze don't get me then the jihadists or the trigger happy police will.
Today 24 August '05 and that right wing nutter televangelist Pat Robertson has been suggesting that we murder the democratically elected leader of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez. Whatever happened to the Christian dictum 'Thou shalt not kill?' Mind you he will get arrested if he comes over here and starts spouting that filth, if the new laws that Charles Clarke hopes to put on the statute book come in to being. Now there's a man who could take flight in a strong wind. Have you noticed the ears? Reminds me of Pooh bear. Pooh bear eh? Only the Brits would come up with a name for a child's toy that made reference to taking a dump. And don't get me started on Blue Peter.
I see that scientists fear that pigs might play a role in the transfer of bird flu. Or fowl pest as it was once known. They're 'avin' a larf. Are they trying to tell us that pigs do fly? They're not mating with chickens are they? God the world gets weirder by the day. How do you get chickens and pigs to take aspirin? I see that us Brits are fast becoming the boozers of Europe, our intake has gone up by 5% while the French and the Germans have cut their intake by 6 and 8% respectively. Hooray, more for us!
I went scumming today. That's a new verb I've just invented, it just means lowering oneself to walk around a scummy area like this and feeling and being incredibly superior.
There's a market just around the corner and the costermongers or the costermongrels as I refer to them, were in full cry. "H'agetta h'yooer h'apples an h'oranges froma sixsee pee for your Granny Smiffs h'an your h'oranges from five for a nicker. Wossat luv? Nah ain't got none, oi you, leave them marturs alone! You can squeeze 'em when you buys 'em. Got thoroughly soaked as it was stair rodding it dahn - see how at ease with the local patois I've become?
Do you think hard drugs should be legalised? I do. With the billions saved on fighting crime you can build treatment centres where people can be rehabbed. Is that a new verb, or an ad-verb? I missed that particular lesson at school. I consume vast amounts of what I consider to be a hard drug: alcohol. The police spend inordinate amounts fighting the crime and violence that results in the consumption of this drug; do I hear calls for a ban? They should have rehabs next to or above pubs. Feeling a bit shaky? Pop upstairs get a few Librium for the week and go detox. The only reason people get violent on Crack and Heroin is because they have to steal to fund the habit. Now, if you could go to your local Tesco and get 'crack' 3 for 2, no prob. And club card points to boot! If you just want to fuck your head up you'll do what some people do now: drink Tennants super strength lager.
Good ol' boy Dubya has finally come onboard with the save the planet brigade. No he's not quite joined Greenpeace heaven forfend, but he does have a scheme for reducing greenhouse gas emissions. He's going to keep his mouth shut? No. His proposal would be to get smaller trucks - to achieve better fuel economy than larger trucks. Eh? Run that by me again! He wants smaller trucks to get better mileage than larger trucks. Doesn't that happen already? Oh, SUVs and Humvees (Oh I'd love to own one for a week) are exempt from this new requirement. Mind you Dubya's idea has been laughed at by a scientific group The Union of Concerned Scientists (dontcha just love 'em already?) said that the miniscule change would be the equivalent of saving a months supply of petrol over15 years. Doh!
I've missed writing about the Katrina hurricane that has devastated New Orleans with a Biblical deluge of water, and ripped through whole swathes of Louisiana. It's because whole swathes of my brain were devastated with a biblical deluge of alcohol. But I, like many of the residents of New Orleans are refusing to leave our drink-sodden life-styles. Dubya has been caught up in all of this because of the tardiness of the government in helping the underprivileged and underwater folks of N'Awlins. But I have some sympathy with poor ol' Dubya when you have Barbara Bush as a mother. She was meeting those evacuees from the New Orleans Monstrodome or whatever it's called, who had ended up at the stadium when their houses had literally blown away. They had lost everything. This Florence Nightingale of the Republican right mused that because they were underprivileged - in a way - that because they were going to end up in Houston, things had worked out really well for them. It does kinda explain Dubya doesn't it?
Mind you they've put a kick-ass Lt Gen Honore to sort things out in New Orleans. He's been referred to as The John Wayne dude who gets stuff done. He's been described as no-nonsense and doesn't mind getting his hands dirty, which given the conditions there will stand him in good stead. He immediately ordered all National Guardsmen and policemen to point their guns to the ground "This ain't Iraq he barked. He later came across a woman hanging on to her two babies in the searing heat obviously suffering from dehydration. He took the two children from her, gave them to two soldiers and escorted them and the mother to a coastguard boat to be taken off for immediate treatment. I can just imagine George C. Scott playing him in the inevitable film that will be with you in about a year.
The hottest restaurant in town seems to be Chez Gerard in Covent Garden in London, not because of what's on the menu but what's not on the menu. It seems the kitchen's a hotbed of racism and pornography, according to Jean Yao who worked there as a kitchen porter. He told an employment tribunal that he'd had a heart attack while working there. S'no surprise is it? When you come across a topless waitress doing unspeakable things with a courgette, to a duck - it's enough to make the old ticker tremble. Now if the claim of racism is proved then shame on them, but the pornography I'm all for. A bit of 'rodgering' with me ratatouille is no bad thing I say.
I'm thinking of opening a sandwich bar called 'Bonking Baguettes.'
Continuing on the theme with crusts I see one of our upper crust yob types, one Lord Glentoran, an old Etonian and former Guards officer has been causing trouble at the Spanish/Gib. Border. He was alleged to have tried to 'nut' a Spanish border guard who had the temerity to ask him what was in his bags. When asked why he needed several thousand ciggies and 15 gallons of whiskey for a weekend jaunt at his holiday home at Sotogrande he went into a rage and even gobbed at his interlocutors. He said in explanation that a Tory grandee was coming to stay expecting the guards to understand. The Spanish police when being interviewed said "Who's Kenneth Clarke?
At the Mercury awards last night an extraordinary singer Anthony Hegarty won. I know he leads a band called Anthony and the Johnsons, but don't think for one second the band had a lot to do with them winning. What an exquisite voice he has. A bit like Nina Simone on helium.
I don't know whether I mentioned that I used to play in bands many years ago, and am getting the urge to play again. This is a song that I wrote for a 'Pomp Rock' band that was going places until the singer acquired schizophrenia. Think Led Zeppelin out of The Moody Blues with Joe Cocker on lead vocals.
If you step into the arena,
The crowd may chant your name,
Will cry out for the warrior,
His face his fortune's fame,
But one mistake,
Can bring heartache,
I've heard so many times,
And just like the prisoner,
You'll be thrown to the lions.
(There is then a load of power chords, huge great orchestral sweeps and a gospel choir - I dunno - singing stuff)
Have pity for the fighter,
Whose body lies in ruins,
He never made the battlefield,
His image quietly burns,
He tried and tried,
But before he died,
To spell out his name,
You see he never learned the rules ,
for playing deadly games.
Hail mighty centurion,
Your coat of armour gleams,
The sunlight may confound you
You might shrivel in its beam,
But he crowd will roar
And call for more,
The vagabonds will try,
To steal your very heart and soul,
And leave you there to die.
Of course because we had a pianist who'd been taught classical piano since the age of four, but also listened to funk he was extremely technical but fluid. I loved the look on guitarist faces when we were auditioning and the pianist telling them that 'the first song begins with an A minor seventh - diminished.' I remember one A and R guy when listening to a tape saying "Where the fuck did you get Billy Preston from? And then being astonished that it was a sixteen year old white guy. He's driving a mini-cab now. No not the A and R fella the pianist. The A and R guy probably owns the mini-cab fleet.
Do you think ephemera is here to stay?
My favourite Shakespearean bits.
'Find this grand liquor that hath gilded them.' (I'm getting gilded right now)
'Stained with grief, that's beauty's canker.'
'With hair upstaring.' (That's me after a really bad night first thing in the morning.)
'He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.'
As it was such a beautiful day I decided to go across the Heath to meet an old friend of mine. I know she's always 'up for it' and I know all the hidey holes - if you'll excuse the term - as does she. Well while I was waiting on the benches in front of Kenwood an old lady of I would guess 85-ish, regally walked up to the next bench and sat down. She was carrying the most beautiful orchid plant. Many people stopped by and commented so. We eventually got into a conversation and she explained that it had just been given her by some friends just over from America. I looked at her lined face and could see that many years ago she had been a great beauty. As she stood up against the sunlight with her wispy dress, I could see the outline of an extremely well kept body. I thought 'bag over the head, a handful of KY jelly and we'd both be happy.' Well you've got to look after the old folks ain't ya? I know I'm all heart me; they'll be giving me a bleedin' C.B.E. next. Commander of the Bonking Empire!