If she only knew (part 2)

We sat there for a few more moments with our foreheads together. Being hyper aware of her breath on my face and our fingers entwined, kept me distracted from the passerby’s. No feelings of shame, embarrassment, or paranoia about what others would think entered my mind. The demon had been silenced.

-

            Perfection has always been important to me. In the way I dress, talk, and even write. Even though I didn’t have a lot experience in relationships, I still had expectations and standards. But even those disappeared when I met Bell. She had her flaws and was far from perfect but I didn’t let it shake my feelings.

Everyone knew how we felt about each other so I wasn’t as apprehensive to resume our cuddling. They didn’t seem bothered by our closeness, they were just happy as I was. Meeting her helped me gain these new friendships. Ones I have never had before. I could tell them anything and they would not laugh or judge me. They were there for me. They often reminded me how much they loved and cared about me. I trusted them with everything I relayed to them. They’ve only known me a short time but the feelings were mutual. They were happy to have me in their lives and I was thankful that they were in mine.

All day there would be an anticipation to see Bell and once night came, she was mine. After all homework had been done or the movie night was over, she was in my arms, body pulled against mine.

Bell said she wouldn’t kiss me unless we were in a relationship. At first I was okay with it but as the weeks went on, when we were so close together, that’s exactly what I wanted. I could tell I made it increasingly difficult for her too just by way she breathed when my lips met the corner of hers. There was no hesitation when I kissed her forehead, her temple, or down to her cheek, to the tip of her nose, her pierced ears, and finally down her neck. It was a repetitive process throughout the nights; each of us refusing the urge to let our lips make contact.

It was obvious she wanted to, though. Anticipation for her to make contact had my body buzzing. To distract myself, I would pull away and look down upon her. She was so beautiful. From her brown wavy hair, to her freckled face, her ocean blue eyes that I constantly got lost in, her cute nose, fine lips, and lip piercings that glinted in the room’s dim lighting. She had me always in complete awe.

-

During one of our movie nights, something happened that would change everything.

Bell and I lay on the floor as usual, cuddling, while Gloria and Gordon sat on the bed talking and watching TV. The twin bed was on its highest setting and pushed against the wall. They used the wall as a backrest while their feet dangled over the edge of the bed. Basically, they couldn’t see us and we couldn’t see them.

Continuing my normal routine of kissing about her face and neck and stopping when my lips reached the corner of hers. Even though it was just the corner, the soft plushness of them was so inviting. Her face was warm and pressed flush with mine. For a moment, we remained frozen till all at once, her lips met mine.

It started out so simple, so innocent. Our lips just pressed against one another. Then began the soft and gentle movements of our mouths, curious and searching. It was slow and sweet but desperate and fulfilling.

She whispered, “Will you be my girlfriend?”

Did the question catch me by surprise? Not really because I seen it coming. As much as I liked her and her closeness, I didn’t think I was ready to be in a relationship with her. So why didn’t that stop me from saying yes?

-

As we progressed into our relationship, I grew concerned. Thoughts, doubts, and feelings constantly swirled about my head, obviously the work of my demon trying to make bad of my good feelings. No matter how hard I fought it, the fiend made it a must that I say something about how I was feeling. But what would I say? How would I say it?

One night, while our friends were out walking, Bell and I lay in Gloria’s bed. Our arms wrapped tightly around each other, keeping us together. This was the perfect moment to start explaining my concerns but before I could get into detail she started to cry. Usually crying makes me uncomfortable but despite my own insecurities, I worried.

Watching the warm salty tears slide down her freckled cheeks, I pulled her close and let her cry into me. Her body shook as she silently wept.

“Why did they hurt me? Why did they have to break my heart? Why does it keep happening to me?”

I wiped her tears away with my thumb and kissed her forehead. Her face was wet with moisture. Seeing her like this was breaking my heart.

“Why did they make promises and then lie?”

Pulling her tighter to me, I let everything she said process in my head. As she continued to cry, I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t hurt her. Not the way those girls, her exes, did. I would not make promises and break them. I would be there for her and be everything she never had. I would do anything and everything to keep a smile on her face, to keep her laughing. I would not let her be afraid of trusting me. No more doubts, I knew how I felt about her. That’s all that mattered. Screw what people thought. I’m done worrying about how it may look to others. All that matters now is being something for her. I want her to want me in her life.

-

            After that night, there were no more tears. Things went back to normal. We cuddled, spooned, and kissed. On a few occasions, while we were kissing, she would whisper against my lips:

            “I like you, a lot…”

            Those words would warm me head to toe. Smiling at her, I told her the same thing. It was wonderful knowing someone actually felt the same way about me as I did him or her. There was a sense of relief and I felt important for once, that I actually mattered.

-

            All my life, I’ve been called paranoid. If something were off with someone or something, I would either avoid or attack the issue. When I thought Bell was distant with me, I would think I’ve done something to push her away. It was the same way with the rest of the group, mostly Kelly. If I thought I made either one mad I would constantly ask what I’ve done. But if Bell were being social with everyone but me, I would keep my distance from her and seethe with jealousy. Frustration and jealousy from her being social with her friends’ was a constant issue of mine. It’s always been a struggle for me to be social. I was satisfied with the friends I’ve made since meeting her. I don’t need to know a bunch of people to be happy. All I need is a small, close-knit group of people who love and care about me. Who would offer guidance with problems I was facing or concern if I was being withdrawn. That’s why I made sure to keep things okay with everyone. I always made sure to fix the problem. For a reason unbeknownst to me, I absolutely hated ending things on a bad note. I didn’t want people to leave angry or upset when all we had to do is talk about the problem. Then everything would go back to normal.

-

            One day, I decided to send Bell songs that relayed my feelings for her. After sending a text with the songs and why they were meaningful to our relationship, I ended up waiting and waiting for her response. She didn’t have listen to them before responding, I just wanted to know if she received them. I continued about my day, worrying about why I wasn’t getting a reply.

            You probably freaked her out.

            I knew my music wasn’t her favorite genre but I thought the message was all that mattered. When I finally seen her she wouldn’t come talk to me. She didn’t even come to say hello or ask how my day was. Nausea set in since I didn’t know how to respond. Keeping my distance because I didn’t know what else to do, I worried. Then at dinner, when she laughed and joked around with everyone else, worry turned to pure agitation. So once I was finished eating, I left for my dorm.

            Anger seethed through me. Since pacing about my room breathing heavily wasn’t helping, I grabbed my ID, iPod, and stormed out of the building. Taking off toward town with angry music blasting from my ear buds, I ran hard. Running all the way to my Tae Kwon Do dojo, I stopped. I missed going there and being with the friends I had there. Having missed the test days, I didn’t get a new belt. I had to get back into the sport. Maybe I could filter my frustrations through the training and rigorous sparring.

            As it grew darker, I started back for campus. After I made it to my resident hall, I did some stretching so I wouldn’t cramp or become sore. I was already feeling better. My head felt clearer and my body just felt lighter.

Back in my dorm, I noticed Bell had texted me asking me if I was coming over. When I arrived, all my friends were doing their homework, talking, laughing, and joking around. Everything seemed normal except that Bell was remaining quiet. I decided to sit next to her on Kelly’s bed where she lay there with her eyes closed. Leaning over, I kissed her on the cheek. She didn’t react at all.

            When our friends left to go on a walk, I lay down next to her on the bed. Facing her and admiring her beauty, my heart lightened. We were alone and I was going to fix things. She opened her eyes and met my gaze, those deep blues reading me. Her face looked solemn.

“I think we should just be friends.”

            What?

            “I don’t know what I want.”

            You seemed so sure.

“I don’t want to be in a relationship right now.”

            Then why ask me out? Twice?

            “We’re moving too fast.”

            I know.

            “I just don’t feel the same feelings you feel for me.”

            I can recall more than one: “I like you a lot”.

“I care about you and I’m sorry I took things so far.”

            I don’t regret any of it.

            “I can imagine you’re confused.”

            Duh.

            “I still want to be close to you.”

            Okay.

            “I don’t want to hurt you but…”

            I think that’s hurt I’m feeling.

            “I want to be able to flirt with other people.”

            Ouch.

            “I like talking and being social with people.”

            Obviously.

            “I still like you, though, and I still want to be close to you.”

            Your definition of close?

“I still want us to be able to talk and have casual conversation about what’s going on, issues we may be having…”

            So generous of you.

            “We are two totally different people.”

            Opposites attract.

“You deserve better than me.”

            I wanted you.

            “You are a good person. Generous, kind, caring…”

            I try.

            “I don’t deserve someone as great as you.”

            Everyone deserves to be loved.

            “And don’t even think about leaving this group because of this.”

            Already thinking about it.

            “They love and care about you too much. They wouldn’t let you go.”

            That won’t stop me.

            “You know, I came to college planning on not letting anyone know I was gay.”

            Oh? I came here to see if I was.

            “I thought maybe I’d meet a guy…”

            Really? You find them disgusting.

            “Just to make sure we’re clear…”

            No physical contact. No communication. No anything.

            “I want us to be close friends, not pretend friends.”

            Isn’t that up to me?

            “I still like you… but I want to meet other people.”

            Translation: Flirt with other girls.

            “And I just want to know that you’ll be okay.”

            Oh, I’ll be just peachy.

            “None of this is your fault. This is all on me.”

Silence fills the room. Turning my gaze away, I just couldn’t meet her eyes. There I would only see the truth I couldn’t accept. My heart pounded against my sternum and my stomach ached. She slid off the bed and started for the door, without another word. As she opened the door to leave, everyone else was there to come back in. Watching her walk out the door, I remained speechless and in shock.

            Peering shamefully at my friends, I noticed they all shared the same grave expressions as they exchanged glances with one another. I slid off the bed and grabbed my stuff.

            They knew.  

            Taking two steps at a time out of their resident hall, I rushed outside into the cold night air. A lump lodged itself in my throat, suffocating me. There was a constricting of my vocal cords as if there was vise tightening around my throat. Hot tears welled in my eyes and poured out over my bottom eyelids.

            Look at you. You should have seen this coming.

            Fast walking down the sidewalk, fighting the flow of tears, there was no way to deny the truth. Kelly sidled up next to me and gently laid a hand on my arm to stop me. Gloria caught up to us while Gordon kept walking, giving us space.

            “Sweetie, are you okay,” asked Gloria. “Please talk to us.”

            Choking sobs and a flowing stream of tears were all I could manage but when I could speak, all I could utter was a: “Why?”

            They exchanged sad glances. It was obvious that they knew Bell was going to do this all along.