Men, say the darndest things.

Tuesday 8th June 2004.

Mark received his school report today. At first, I was very annoyed
with him. His ??commitment?? marks were poor. And his teacher comments
were peppered with, ??needs to pay attention, disruptive, lazy?? etc
etc etc. When I calmed down and read the thing properly, It isn??t so
bad at all. His attainment marks are pretty good. And let??s face it,
it doesn??t matter really how he gets there if the knowledge is going
in. It??s his actual achievement that matters and he??s doing well. I
want to record his marks here, sorry if it??s boring but I??ve promised
him ten pounds for each mark that??s upgraded next year. This is the
only place I can reliably record things I want to find later. The top
mark is five and the lowest is one.

Science 5
Maths 5
Design and technology 4
ICT (computers) 4+
Geography 4
English 4+
Drama 4
Citizenship (RE) 4
PE 3+
Music 3
History 3
Dance 3
Art 3
French 2+

The subjects he didn??t do well on, I??m not too worried about anyway.
He got some good comments mixed with the bad. His maths teacher wrote,
??I??d like to see more of the mathematical genius Mark,?? He really is
very bright. If I??d had his brains, at his age, I??d have used them to
some advantage. I found learning difficult. Not that it was ever
expected of me. Most of my school life was spent doing potato pictures
and playing homemade percussion instruments while they sang, ??if
you??re happy and you know it clap your hands,?? at me.

With the exception of Kez, who can do absobloodylutely anything she
puts her mind to, none of my family, from any branch, had the ability
to be a high achiever. Mark does. At the parents evening one of his
teachers said that Mark will willingly give about ten percent of his
ability, they can grudgingly extract a further five percent out of him
and the rest just goes to waste because he??s too silly and too lazy to
try. That makes me angry. He has got good gades by playing the fool,
I??d love to see what he could do if he put in some effort. Still money
is a great incentive; let??s see if the thought of some brown ones in
his back pocket (ugh) will do any good. Don??t worry Dear diary, I??m
not a total ??Mommy Dearest?? I did give him a lecture but I also
praised him and rewarded him with steak (cooked to perfection) salad
and potato wedges last night. He doesn??t get steak very often and
really enjoyed it especially as he had three huge pieces of meat. I
tried a piece from the end, but it didn??t go down very well.

London might be off! It will pretty much be the last straw. All that??s
kept me going the last few days is thoughts of a brilliant time ahead
in London. Marty and the animals care is to be split while I??m away
between Mary and Col. Of the people who could have had him, these are
the two most flaky. I made all the arrangements with them. Mary is to
have him from Tuesday to Friday and Col will take over from Friday
night until we get back on Sunday. Simple? No!

Last night Mary came down while Martha and I were here having a brew. I
was down over Rick and Martha was trying to buoy me up with what we are
going to do in London. It worked too.

Mary piped up, ??Er, when are you going to London, like? You kept that
quiet.??

Martha and I looked at each other. Exchanged horrified expressions and
I said to Mary, ??In two weeks time mate. You??re having Marty and the
animals remember???

??Fust I??ve heard uv it,?? she muttered.

Mary, Col, Martha and I made all the arrangements last week before I
bought the tickets. We got everything sorted. Now it??s all gone belly
up as usual.

Marty piped up, at this point, that Col had been Whingeing to Sandy and
her mother, Dianne, about it and doesn??t want to have Marty that
weekend either. So that??s that then. I??m not giving up on finding a
solution yet, but it looks as though there??s going to be two free
tickets to the Bloomsbury night going free if anyone would like
them.

I??ve bought the tickets for the do. I??ve bought the train tickets.
More bloody money wasted if I can??t sort something out. The worst
thing though is it means disappointing Martha. She really needs a
break. Since she opened the shop, almost eighteen months ago, she??s
had no time off at all and she??s looking so tired. I told her to go
anyway. She knows London, she??s staying with company, she??d be okay.
But she said that the whole point was that she wanted to go with me and
have fun, that if I??m not going, neither is she and we??ll do it
another time. So it??s not just me I??m disappointing.

I rang Lynne last night and asked her if she??d like to move in here
for five days and have a holiday with my lovely son and animals.
Bugger, she said no. That??s me all out of people to ask. When things
go wrong, they do so in bunches, like dying flowers.

I had a lovely time with Alex last weekend. He loves just driving round
and seeing new places so I was passenger for the day, which always
makes a nice change and we just went touroiding round. That was
Saturday. Friday night we went out round Barrow. It was a good night
and I enjoyed it. I didn??t drink much because I had to be up early for
work and Alex was driving, but it was good. I enjoy his company, he??s
fun to be with. I??d be curious to sample the physical delights on
offer, but it??s never going to happen. There??s no emotional feeling
there so ?K it??s another ??just good friend??. I have a lot of good
friends.

And yes, I??ve heard from Rick. He returned his key through the post.
That really did hurt. It wasn??t just a key; it was the symbolism
behind it saying that he was welcome here anytime, to let himself in
and make himself at home. Now, I know he??s never coming back. There
was a letter with it, more of the same stuff. I might as well type it
out here. You??ve had the rest of the story.

Dearest Sooz,

Not sure hat happened Sunday but I know I lost the biggest golf ball I
have ever had. Everything did feel like it should, it felt right, so
why did I say what I did? I can??t even remember what it was.

I have a problem, a big one and I know I have to get over it before I
can move on. Couples should sort out their problems together but this
one I have to do alone, don??t expect you to understand.

In the past I have always felt that I could get you back but now I know
I have gone too far. Not going to go on about the hurt I am feeling
because I know how you must be feeling. I will never forget you and
always love you.

I will do as I originally said, but I know I will be drinking coffee
alone, I have to do it to feel all the pain you have felt.

Goodbye my darling, move on and be happy, you do deserve better than
me, you know that now. If you have not already done so, tell Marty that
I was not the person he thought I was, just another pillock who hurt
his mum. I am so sorry he has had to suffer, he is a kind, caring lad,
don??t change him.

Was going to ramble on and fill this page but it would only make things
worse so I will sign off and live with the memories of a wonderful time
together and the guilt of what I have done to a very special
person.

Love as ever, Rick.

PS, bet you can tear this into many little pieces.

I have nothing to comment, it??s all been said. I have no reply for
him.

I want someone to share my life with, or at least some of it. I??ve
proved to myself with Rick that I was willing to give a hundred and ten
percent to make it work. Now all I have to do is find someone who wants
to make it work too. Am I even fit to look for someone else when I have
a head full of Rick? Could Anyone ever be good enough in my eyes, when
all I want is him? Is it fair to other people to look on the re-bound?
I know one thing for sure, until I find someone else to ??fall for??
I??m not going to get over him and it??s the old getting back on the
horse thing.

I??m meeting a man on Sunday afternoon. Oh, behave, I can see you
shaking your head and tut tutting, Dear diary. Okay, so maybe I??m on a
collision course for more heartache, and worse, maybe I??ll hurt
someone else and God I don??t want that. But, I??m lonely. I want to
feel the feelings that I have for Rick. I want it to be with someone
who can give some feeling back. Rick did a fantastic impression of
caring, next time I want it for real. Only, how do you tell the
difference between real and fake emotion?

All my instincts are telling me to run from this next one. Alex was
great. Alex is great and I??ll be seeing him again, both when I??m
single and when I??m with someone. He??s a friend. There was never any
danger of hurting him, he??s emotionally mature and it??s purely
platonic. ??

This new one, Martin, hhmmm? I??m pretty damned sure he??s not the one.
He??s too ??nice??. He??s a pleaser, a yes man. He wanted to meet on
Saturday. I said I couldn??t because I have Leah??s wedding to attend.
I suggested Friday instead. He said he couldn??t because he has a lads
Rugby night out (or was it football, he plays both, I think?) planned
around Preston. Five minutes later he said that he would cancel his
night out to go out with me instead.

Okay, this is where I get screwy. I want a man who will put me first in
his life. I want to be that important. Here??s a man I??ve never met in
my life, prepared to make hefty changes to his plans for me, and I??m
ready to run a mile. I don??t want him to do that. I don??t know him. I
don??t want him to be too full on. We agreed on Sunday.

We??ve spoken on the phone. He is a ??breather??. He intersperses
everything he says with a great long sigh, as though life is such a
trial. He sounds perpetually weary. He has an irritating laugh. If it
grates now, after two phone conversations, what would it be like in six
months? I think I??d be ready to shoot to kill. .. and yet? He??s so
nice!

I didn??t think Rick was going to amount to anything when I went to
meet him. Until you meet someone, you can??t possibly know if there??s
going to be any chemistry there. So, I??ve been as honest as I can be
with him. I??ve told him I??m not over my ex. That I??m not ready to
jump into another relationship but that I??d like to be friends and
that if something developed later on, then so be it.

So why do I have this mad obsession with replacing Rick? Why can??t I
just chill on my own for a few months, lick my wounds and concentrate
on writing my little story??s where it??s safe and padded and nobody
can hurt me again?

I think it comes down to the fact that every time a man proves to be
false, which, to date, is all of them; it reaffirms what the social
worker wrote on my report when I was a child, ??Unplaceable,?? to me
that has always translated as ??unlovable??. I so want to prove that
wrong.

So I get a man, ??Hey, momma, you??re gonna be so proud of me, I??s
hooked me a live one,?? and I smother him and I suck out all his energy
and emotion like a leech. And I try to be so good, that he couldn??t
possibly find fault with me. And I need to be the best he??s ever had,
the best in the kitchen, the best in the bedroom, the best, the best,
the best ?K and I never am.

And so, with a wry grin and a shrug of the shoulders, it
continues?K.

NEXT!

I??m so disappointed about London. Hope something comes up to enable us
to go.

Later?K.

Something did come up. London is back on and all sorted. Yay.