Rick and I are finished

Thursday 21st May 2004.

I have just fucked up probably the best chance I'll ever have to be
happy with someone.

I finished with Rick tonight.

He was fantastic. He made me happy. When I was with him everything felt
right (most of the time). But it wasn't enough for me.

I feel so guilty. All that's going through my head is the fact that I
wish I hadn't done it the way I did. I should have left it until
tomorrow. I wanted to leave it until tomorrow, but I know that if I'd
done that, I'd have talked myself out of it, like I did last
time.

First I want to write about what a fucking bitch I am. I badly needed
to speak to him. I wanted to tell him, to explain why. But he was at
work. I sent a text asking him to ring me when he finished. I tried to
make it light so that he wouldn't panic and ring immediately. I just
said that I wanted to talk to him and asked that he ring me when he
finishes work. I told him it was nothing to worry about in case he
thought something had happened.

When the phone rang immediately I almost didn't answer it, but then he
would have thought that something was wrong, that maybe one of us had
had an accident or something. I had to answer it. I so didn't want to
tell him, but I couldn't leave it until tomorrow because I'd have
chickened out. It would have continued and later it would have been
even harder.

I didn't want to tell him while he was at work. That's a bastards
trick, almost as bad as a 'you're dumped' text. He pushed. He knew
after today that something wasn't right. He said, "Have you had
enough?" He knows as well as I do that it wasn't working. He
guessed.

I said, "Yes." Asked outright like that, I couldn't lie to him. Now all
I can think about is how he's feeling. I don't want to see him. I don't
even want to speak to him really, it's going to be hard but I owe him
an explanation. I love him and I hate the thought that I've made him
unhappy.

There's so much I've got to say. Not to him, but here in my diary. I
don't want to. If I don't write tonight I'm going to do something
stupid. I know I've hurt him and I hate myself for that. I want to
sharpen a pair of scissors and cut myself. That's why I've got to write
it down and get it out. I don't regret what I've done, it had to be.
But I do regret the way I've gone about it. I'm filled with
self-loathing for pulling such a cheap stunt. He's got to face his
mates now and pretend everything's okay. I know he's sad, angry and
hurting.

I also know he's not going to hurt much and that he'll soon get over
it. We both know we had nowhere to go as a couple.

He kisses me and my stomach lurches. He strokes me and I want him more
than I've ever wanted anyone before. He looks at me and I feel lucky
that he wants me. I've lost it and made us both sad. I'm
heartbroken.

For about a week now he's been using the same word over and over again.
INDEPENDENCE. He was talking about Viv the other night and said
repeatedly that he just wants to be his own man, to be independent and
free. He admits himself that he probably wasn't ready for a
relationship with someone else.

He came in the early hours of today. We had a fantastic time. We always
have a great time together. We were sitting outside a caf? in Ulverston
watching the world go by. I made a stupid joke. I was talking about a
place I like in Spain. I asked if he'd come and live with me if I
bought it. I was joking. He knew that and his answer was a joke. For a
second, even though it was light-hearted and silly a look of panic
crossed his face. He told me that he couldn't live with me because he
needs to be independent. I would hate to live with him anyway. It was
alright. That's not the problem. I'm not explaining this very well. The
problem isn't that he said he doesn't want to live with me. I don't
want that either but for different reasons to him.

For me, I would love the thought of settling down with him one day. One
day a long time in the future. But what I'd never accept is moving into
his house with him. He couldn't live with me because of the come down
in circumstances, so it would never happen anyway.

But what I realised today, or maybe I've always known it, is that he
doesn't want to live with ME. Not because of circumstance, not because
of location but because he doesn't want to spend his life with me. I'm
a different class. He's tidy, methodical, ordered. I'm haphazard. I
tried so hard to make him happy. I wanted to fit in with him. But I
don't. I'm like a mongrel in a crufts show and we both know it.
Sometimes I say things that horrify him. He hates the thought of me
with purple hair. He feels caged in my tiny house. He looks at my
lifestyle and sees chaos and craves the order of his settlement. I've
never felt good enough for him.

I put pressure on him again today. I knew I was doing it but couldn't
stop. Maybe I was purposely pushing him. I don't know. The subject of
holidays came up. I've wanted to ask him for weeks if he'd like to come
on holiday with Marty and I. I knew the answer would be no. for that
reason, I was determined not to ask him. Today, I just blurted it out.
He said, "Oh, I don't know Sooz. I don't know what's happening tomorrow
never mind later in the year."

Later I genuinely got my wires crossed. He brought the subject up of
the bank holiday. He said it was bank holiday next weekend. I thought
he wanted to know what I had on. Because he'd mentioned it, not me, I
thought that he wanted to spend some, or all of it, with me. I asked if
I should try and get the weekend off. It wasn't what he said, more the
way he said it. "Oh, I don't know Sooz. I don't know what's happening
yet. I've got a lot on." I realised that he was merely making comment
that it was bank holiday weekend next week. I felt stupid and
humiliated. With that on top of asking him to come on holiday with us I
knew I'd been too pushy again. We can talk about anything and yet I
walk on eggshells afraid of saying the wrong thing and pushing him to
do anything that he doesn't want to do. I've put off and put off
booking our trip to London because one minutes he says he wants to come
and then he says he's got a lot on that he needs to do.

We had made arrangements to go out for a quiet drink round town
tomorrow. We usually see each other on a Friday. He cancelled that at
tea-time. I think he'd had it on his mind all day but was trying to
find the right time to broach the subject. He wants to have his
daughter this weekend.

The thing is, he's going to think that's why I've ended it, that I'm in
a childish sulk over him putting his daughter before me. I do hate it
when things are arranged, then cancelled, see, that's how it starts.
Broken dates cancelled the day before, that's how it always starts. But
I've said all along that our kids come first. He was in Amsterdam last
weekend so didn't see her. I wasn't upset about him wanting to have
Kay, but I did feel resentful that he didn't tell me sooner. I rang Kez
and asked her if she fancied an hour out. I won't be going now. The
last thing I feel like doing is going out. There'll be other nights to
go out and I do have to be up early for work on Saturday.

I've ended it for a multitude of reasons. I couldn't accept the fact
that he wasn't over his wife. I feel that he's ashamed of me sometimes.
I don't feel good enough. But the main reason is that I'm not important
enough to him to be a real part of his life. I feel as though he keeps
me in a box that's completely separate from his real life. I feel as
though even a pile of ironing comes before me in the pecking
order.

Another reason is his guilt. He feels guilty for the time he spends
with me. He feels guilty for the break-up of his marriage and the
effect that has on his kids. He feels guilty when he's got ironing to
do, or the lawn needs mowing. He's always worrying about the things he
needs to do and it's as though I've taken on that guilt. I feel guilty
when he comes to stay with me because it's time he could be with his
kids. It's time he says he should be with them. I feel responsible for
him not being with his family even though I met him well after his wife
had left.

I know I've made him sad, but deep down I think he'll feel relieved
that it's over. He wasn't ready for a relationship. Not having me will
make his life simpler. Though for all that he didn't want a 'proper'
relationship with me, he's not the type of person to be on his own for
long. I doubt he'll get his wife back but I think by the end of the
year he'll have found someone else. I probably will too but mine will
only be another notch on the bed post.

I'm going to become a slapper, going from one man to the next looking
for the perfect love. Maybe eventually I'll stop looking for love and
just bed men. I'd hate that.

I talked to Martha tonight. I've avoided doing that. I hate admitting
to my inadequacies. I wanted everyone to think that everything was
perfect. She can't understand why I'm not happy with just a light and
casual relationship. She said to just take each day as it comes, enjoy
our time together and don't try to make it more than it is. She said
that she doesn't believe that he loves me, or that I love him because
it's too soon. She said that I need to get counselling to learn how to
enjoy a relationship without being too heavy. She told me again that
I'm fucked up over my past. People keep telling me I'm not right but I
have trouble seeing it sometimes.

But that's just it. I only want one relationship. I want to be with one
man, for life. Every time I begin a relationship I want it to be the
right one but it never is because I always push them away by wanting
too much too quickly. They were all dick-heads and tossers.

But not Rick.

I know I made him happy. He made me happy. Why the hell couldn't that
be enough for me.

It wasn't

The worst thing is that I've lost someone who genuinely cared about me.
I love him. I know he'd be happy to be friends. He'll want that. But I
can't be his friend if we aren't together.

I think I've done the right thing. He needs time to adjust to his life
the way it is now. But it bloody hurts.

Why couldn't I just accept what we had for what it was? I won't take
second best. But what we had was so good for the most part. Have you
ever felt so sad about something that you feel physically sick?

It's done and I can't take it back.

Friday 21st May 2004.

I still feel sick, can't stop bawling.

I'm torturing myself with Dido, looking at his photo, replaying happy
memories and asking myself, "What the fuck have I done?" It wasn't
perfect, but it was good.

So I wasn't his world, so what? Did he make me happy? Yes. Did he treat
me well? Yes. The thought that I'm never going to wake up to his smile
again, never going to feel his fingers stroking my face, never going to
laugh at his daft sense of humour. Today he decided to invent an edible
scream so that when you bite a jelly baby it cries out in pain. I
pointed out a lad who lost his arm from jacking up, he thought I said,
'jacking off 'and became quite alarmed. We had so much to laugh
about.

I haven't cut myself. I suppose I'm proud of that. He's the only man
who hasn't made me feel worthless. The result's the same though, I can
feel like a piece of useless shit all by myself.

I've spoken to him. He had an early night at work and was finished by
two. He rang me on my mobile. He called me darling as though nothing
had changed, and love and sweetheart. He said that he loves me, that
he'll never forget me, that he'll never find anyone as nice as me. He
said he understands.

But he never once said that I was making a mistake.

He sounded tired and a bit sad, but most of all he just sounded
relieved. I don't think I imagined that. He didn't say he agreed with
my decision but he seemed to think it was for the best. He didn't sound
as upset as I thought he might be. I'm glad about that. I don't want to
hurt him. I just wish I was worth fighting for a little bit.

He asked me if I'd keep in touch. I told him no. I won't be sending him
any more diaries after the one I wrote earlier. I won't ring or write,
or go on the dating site to see if he's 'looking'. Keep it clean eh
Sooz? Keep it tidy. No mess, no mangle just cut n run. Just like always
when things get tough.

I refuse to play with the fantasy that he might think I'm worth getting
back. It's over.

How long can I hide this from people without telling outright lies? I
can just see my sanctimonious brother tutting and shaking his head. Kez
will count off the years she's been married and feel superior. I can
return the RSVP on the invitation to Leah's wedding now. "Just two
places please, I messed up again." She'll be delighted.

The birthday card he gave me is still up. It says ? to my girlfriend. I
loved that.

Letter from Rick in response to my last diary entry.

Sooz
I have just got in and read your diary, and all I want to do is hold
you tight and say that all you have put is a load of rubbish, you know
me too well though and I have always been open with you, I aint going
to change now!.
Some of it is pure crapJ and a lot is spot on, I have been keeping you
at arms length for a while now, we both knew that, but what you did not
know is why, better tell you now?.I could feel both of us falling so
deeply in love (Mary was wrong) and it scared the shit out of me and
you are right it was over complicating my messed up life, the arms
length bit was to give myself space, I needed time to "tidy" up here,
to get in control of my life before becoming entangled in yours and
planning things in the future , I had fully intended to come to London
with you, I know how much it meant to you and it would have been a very
proud time for me, don't you miss going I still want to be proud of
you. Talk of holidays was only you saying what I had been thinking but
I dare not commit myself as I have not got sorted this end and may have
to move on things quickly, after saying that though its me looking at
sand not golf balls.
You have come out with a load of words and tried to explain things but
the truth is that no matter what we say and do to each other a part of
you will always be with me and a part of me with you and I know dam
well that on the 29th February in 4 years we will be thinking of each
other, we cannot deny our feelings only we find it so difficult to be
together and both more scared of the hurt of a breakup as time goes by
because the hurt will increase. I totally understand why this has
happened and am not as upset as you think, you are more upset than me
for having to do it, I know that we are kindred spirits and will always
be together even if we never speak again. Don't want to get heavy or
make it any harder for you than it already is, just want us to go to
bed knowing that we have made each others lives so much better.
I have one regret however and that is how I was being sarcastic to
Mark, he is a good lad and did not deserve that.
Would have loved to have had more time to type you this e, and with a
fresh head on but I am sure you understand., talk to me on MSM when you
have read this please.
XXX

My one regret after my marriage break-up was that I didn't give it more
time. I tried for eighteen months after it went sour to get it back. I
have always felt that I didn't give it long enough. I know with 100%
certainty that I am always going to regret bailing out so quickly with
Rick. All he asked was that I give him more time to readjust. I tried
but I became increasingly resentful that I didn't matter to him as much
as he did to me. I didn't give it long enough, he didn't even make an
attempt to keep hold of me. That says it all. All that kindred spirit
stuff is bullshit. It equates to the old "It isn't you, it's me." Or
the, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." What's the point of
feeling close to someone if you can't/won't be with them? Tant, Tom,
Paul they were all gone very quickly and good riddance. Rick will
always be my, 'what if?' What if I'd just hung in there and had a bit
of patience?

I threw up last night, that's a first. I've never been so upset about a
bloke that I've done that before.

22nd May2004.

I'm angry. I don't want to become bitter about Rick we had a fantastic
time together and he never treated me with anything but tenderness and
respect.

But it's the same old story. He said he loved me and it was pure
bullshit.

I went onto MSN last night and he came on. After about half an hour he
spoke to me and said that he was going to sort himself out and find
another woman and make the same mistake as he did with me. In one
breath he's saying that he loves me and means it, with the next he says
that he's going to find another woman immediately.

That was so insensitive. He knows I'm hurting over him and he couldn't
give a shit. I was like packaged food, convenient and easy to dispose
of. I thought our break-up would have meant at least something to him.
I was wrong. Easy come easy go eh? I was a stop-gap until someone
better came along. When would he have finished with me if I hadn't
brought things to a head? This week, next, next month, it's obviously
what he wanted. He was Paul all over again.

Martha, had an opinion. She said that of course he told me that he
loves me. Every man will, because I make it so bloody obvious that it's
what I need them to say. I believe them and I trust and I soak up every
bit of kindness like a sponge. Maybe Leah has got it right after all.
Maybe it is better to treat people like shit and move on as soon as
things get messy.

He was so loving, so gentle and banged on incessantly about never lying
to me and being completely honest. He told me over and over how much I
meant to him, how much he misses me when we weren't together. I still
find it hard to get my head round the fact that it wasn't the truth. If
he loved me he couldn't just walk away with a shrug like that.

Marty is upset. He liked Rick. I feel so guilty for introducing him to
another man who became his friend and then doesn't want to know.

He's online now, I have no desire to talk to him.

Martha has another theory. She has a lot of theories but she does talk
sense. She thinks my problem goes back to my mother's death. She is big
on the amateur psychology stuff. She says that I never believed that my
mother loved me because if she had loved me, then she wouldn't have
died. Maybe it's that simple in a five year old's head. It certainly
seems to be the case in a forty one year old's head. If he loved me, he
couldn't just walk away like that.

I know that from the age of five I have wanted to be loved .. and apart
from my boys, I never have been. When I was eleven I saw a social
worker's report that said in big letters 'unplaceable', I had gone
through fourteen sets of foster parents in three yeas, I guess they had
their reasons.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. I know I finished with him but it feels
just the same as being dumped. I wanted it to work so much and he
didn't, so bugger it. I was completely wrong to think I'd hurt him, he
couldn't care less. So I'm not going to sit around moping over him
while he's happily mowing his lawn and doing his ironing in
utopia.

One thing bothers me. Rick bought me a digital camera for my birthday.
I haven't a clue how expensive it was but I'm guessing they don't come
cheap. I feel as though I ought to return it, it's an extravagant gift.
But then, I put myself in the givers shoes and know that if I bought
him a gift and he gave it back it would upset me terribly. If I give
the camera back will he feel obligated to return the clothes I bought
him for Amsterdam? I don't want that. Any advice on this one would be
greatly received. I don't want to seem petty by sending it back or
ungrateful because it made me very happy, but maybe he regrets spending
so much money on a relationship destined to last less than another
week.

I did go out last night. I went to the Strawb with Kez. We had a good
night it was okay. I didn't drink much because I had my first call at
eight this morning and I caught the last bus home. We had a laugh with
a couple of young lads on the next table. Right cheeky buggers they
were but it livened the night up. Didn't want to get up for work this
morning but I slept well last night. I've lost a lot of sleep lately
with nightshifts and one thing and another. I feel better for a good
night's sleep. No more moping, no more thinking about what might have
been It isn't and that's that.

Last night I wore a shorter skirt. Not short, short but just above the
knee. I have covered to my ankles for so long that it felt good. I've
lost quite a bit off my legs this last couple of weeks so thought I'd
give the old pins a bit of an airing. The skirt was simple denim
straight cut in a size eighteen but it was a very small fit eighteen
and fit with room to spare.

I feel guilty that Marty's upset. I suppose he rubs off my mood a bit
too. So, if for no other reason than that, the smile is in place and
Rick is in my past.

A positive note to end on is that the polecats are doing fine. They are
strong and healthy and a right old pain in the bum. As I type this
Little Bear is screaming his head off because he doesn't think one
plate of cat food was enough for them this morning and he's yelling for
more food. Mr Darcy is playing with a power ball and chasing it round
the room in between bouts of charging round after Kali's tail.

It's eleven and I have my next call at quarter to twelve. Col and Sandy
are coming for a meal tonight.