Stormy waters in paradise?

Thursday 11th March 2004.

I have just watched the documentary with Holly Wells` family. It was
heartbreaking. I wish though that the parents had been more 'real'. I
was so impressed by them, but it was obvious that they were holding
back on what they really wanted to say. Coached? Maybe after so much
time they can talk about what happened without losing their tempers.
How many times must they have screamed and cursed and wanted to hit
out? They had such dignity but it would have made me, the horrified
viewer, feel better if Kev had called Huntley a scummy bastard. He
said, very quietly, that he would be ninety when Huntley is released,
and that he'd be waiting for him. Huntley will never get out of prison.
He'll die in there either by his own hand, or by someone else's in the
next few years. But, if he does make it to the day of his release, I
hope Kev is there. It's his moral right. I have no doubt that no matter
what ails him in years to come, he will not die before he sees Huntley
in his grave first. Of course, come that day Huntley will be given the
full protection of the police force. He'll have done his time, paid his
price. He should be kept safe. That's as it should be. That's how
justice works. But my heart wants him dead, magnify that a million fold
and I still don't think it would be a patch on what that man on the
telly tonight is feeling.

I admired that couple so much. They have a son. I suppose they have to
live a normal life for him. I can't imagine being able to cope with my
hatred in a situation like that. How can they have a normal day or eat
a normal meal without choking on hatred? They must be truly good
people.

My son earned his first proper wage today. He has a job. We fought
about it. He came in last night fired up and excited. The pop man had
offered him a job a couple of evenings and one weekend day. I think
he's too young. I believe the legal requirements state that a child
should be thirteen or fourteen before taking a job. He sat down with me
and put his case forward in a sensible and mature way. I instantly said
that it wasn't going to happen, apart form anything else, if there was
an accident the pop man's insurance would probably be invalidated.
Marty didn't lose his temper with me, he didn't fly into a tantrum when
he couldn't get his own way. He just asked me to stop shouting him down
and listen to him. It seemed a reasonable request.

I've agreed to him doing it on a trial basis, but if it proves too much
for him. If he doesn't want to get up the following mornings for
school, if his homework isn't done. Then that's it, no more. I spoke to
Rick about it and he thinks it's a good idea and will be good for
Marty's confidence. There's no denying that it will help out at home.
Marty's at the age where he wants to go swimming or to the flicks or
MacDonald's. He's constantly pulling at me for money. He will have his
own money now to do the things he wants to do. Another condition of his
being allowed to take the job is that he splits his money and puts half
in the bank.

He did his first shift tonight and came in buzzing.

I got flowers. I tend to take parcels in for half the street. At tea
time the other day, a lady came with a lovely bouquet of purple
flowers. I commented that someone was lucky and didn't for a second
think that they were for me. They were and I was right. I am lucky
Rick's a lovely man.

He's just rung from work. It looks as though he might be able to finish
early. That means that he can get to bed earlier and then he can get up
and come here earlier. We're going out round Barrow tomorrow. Don't
give a damn what we do, but I can't wait to see him.

Things are moving with the new book project. So far so good. The script
has now gone out and initial feedback is encouraging. The man promoting
me has done everything he can do and now it's down to a case of whether
or not I'm good enough.

I've been editing madly on, 'Dark Around the Edges. It's almost ready
to go. Kez is on at me to get a move on with, Dancing Queen. And at the
moment there aren't enough hours in the day.

I got a nice cheque today for ?105 for the day I worked at Walney
school on World Book Day. It went straight off my overdraft, but that's
coming down nicely now. I got a pay pal payment in for thirty quid. I'm
going to have to be careful with that. I sold four books at ?10.99.
However, the sale was to America. The book price there is just $12.95
which equates to thirty pounds and not forty four. You live and learn.
I don't mind really, I'm glad that my books are being read by someone
over there.

I'm having a bit of a set back with my eating. Because I hit one of
those awful plateau's a few weeks ago, and because I desperately want
to get a decent body because my personal circumstances have changed. I
haven't been eating. Yes, I know it's stupid but I can't help it. I had
a banana yesterday after eating very little for eleven days and it made
me feel ill for the rest of the day. The problem is that I'm terrified
of being sick. I was almost sick yesterday and only sheer will power
stopped it. I'm scared to eat anything now in case it does make me
sick. I think I'm going to have to go right back to square one and
start on thin soup again. The results have been good though and I've
lost a stone in the last two weeks. I suppose I've got to expect little
set backs like this. I had got to the stage where I could eat most
things as long as I only had small amounts. Now I daren't eat anything.
I was going to have some soup tonight but chickened out when it came to
it. Considering I haven't been eating, I feel fantastic. I've always
had periods of fasting (I don't like the word starving) I can normally
do five days without anything before I feel faint (pre op). Well I
haven't been completely without food, and I have been having actimel.
Rick made me a sandwich and I had half of that. And I had a rollo and a
tiny bit of Mark's birthday cake. When we went to Mac's I had a bite of
Mark's burger and I had a bite of Rick's toast and marmalade. So I have
been having bits here and there. It's only Martha nagging me that made
me think I ought to start eating again, but in all honesty, I feel
great. I'm not weak or dizzy. I've got loads of energy and don't feel
poorly at all unless I try to eat something. I've been having an
actimel in the morning and a milky coffee (fat free milk) at some point
during the evening. That's nourishing and seems to be enough to keep me
ticking over well. I've promised Martha that I'll have some instant
soup though so I suppose I'd better do that, probably not tomorrow
because Rick's coming and I don't think he'd appreciate me puking all
over him, but on Saturday.

I was at my worst yesterday when the police fella came. He told me that
the lad who punched Marty has been suspended from school and that he's
interviewed him and his parents. I didn't even ask him to sit down. He
must have thought I was so rude and unfriendly especially after being
so chatty with him the last time he came. He was probably thinking that
I'm bi-polar and I was wondering what I'd be charged with if I threw up
all over his shoes. After he left I had to run up to the bathroom
quick. I think I've already explained my 'thing' about toilets and only
being able to throw up in one after I've cleaned it. Convinced that I
was going to be sick, I cleaned the toilet and as usual, by the time
I'd finished, the need to puke had gone. I felt better after
that.

I've battled with eating disorders all my life. Surprisingly, I've
never been an over eater despite being over weight. Martha is convinced
I'm going to revert back to anorexia. That's rubbish. I'm not concerned
about eating at the moment because I'm still over weight, but hell, I
don't want to be scrawny again. I'm touched that she's so worried about
me. She really does care, but I've got the situation under control. I
wonder if I said that when I was six and a half stone? The thing is,
this time, it's not that I don't want to eat anything. It's purely that
I don't want to be sick. I'm smart enough to see that the potential to
slip into permanent starvation is there. I know I'm getting in a bit of
a mess and I'm going to do something about it. I'll definitely start on
weak soup on Saturday and build it up to three cups a day and then
start increasing the strength and introducing other foods again. I've
said all along that I'll eat more as soon as I start to feel weak or
ill, it hasn't happened yet, that's all.

Leah came tonight. She asked if things were still on with Rick and I
said that they were, very much so. And she got on about meeting people
from the internet, as usual. "He's probably married with six kids," she
said knowledgeably. She so sounded as though she wanted it to be wrong
for me. I couldn't resist telling her that she was half right and that
he is married with three.

I told her that I know for certain that he is as he claims to be
because I've stayed at his house. She wasted no time in telling me that
I stayed at the last silly bugger's house too and he was still with his
ex. Normally she gets to me. Maybe because in the past, she's been
right. That there has been something wrong and I've already sensed it.
Tonight she didn't get under my skin at all. She can start with the,
"You don't know where he is or who he's seeing when you're not there,"
lark. It doesn't bother me at all. It never did feel right with the
last one. I tried to convince myself that it was, but deep down I knew
that it wasn't. How else could I pull back my emotions when I had
suspicions the way I did? I left that relationship with just a little
bit of bitterness and barely a backward glance. It feels right with
Rick. It's not perfect. He lives too damned far away. That might pose a
problem as time goes by. He still has feelings for his wife and I'm
quite sure that if he had the chance to get his family back together
he'd seriously consider it. In fact he's said as much. He's open and
honest with me. All I can do is trust him. One day he's going to come
to me and tell me that Viv is truly out of his head completely. She
left him for another man, common sense tells him that if she can do
that to him once then she can do it again. I truly believe that I can
make him happy and she can't, because I come with no suspicion. If she
walked back into his life, she'd be coming with suitcases full of
mistrust and uncertainty. They have fourteen years of history, but
she's cold and doesn't love him. It's early days for us yet, but I
don't see her as a threat. Which is strange. I saw the last one's ex as
a threat from day one and with good reason. I think the difference this
time, is that I know that I'm better for him than she is and that he'll
come to realise that as time goes on. There, how's that for the new and
improved self esteem? I'm happy, and if it works out, that's brilliant
and if it doesn't then it was never meant to be. All I know is that for
now, it feels right and clean and pure.

I tried to ring S tonight. He must still be in China or Turkey. I'm
quite glad I didn't get through, we'd have got to gossiping and calls
to Sweden don't come cheap. He was full of plans last time we spoke.
Something's niggling me about him though and I don't know what it is. I
think I just want to talk to him to know that he's okay. We've gone
much, much longer than this between contact so I don't know what's
bugging me. It's not as though he was unhappy or anything last time we
talked. Well apart from living off chicken feet and dog, I don't think
that pleased him much. I'll write to him tomorrow and find out which
distant shore he's holed up on. Once I know that he's okay he can go
back to his Turkish Delights, assuming that's where he is.

Suppose I ought to iron the bedding before I go up. One less job to do
when I get up.

Rick's coming today. Can't wait. It seems ages since Sunday.

Sunday 14th March 2004.

I had a nightmare? bad dream last night. I suppose it was more of a bad
dream. Marian was still alive but dying. We went on spec to see her.
When we got there I felt very unwelcome. She asked why we hadn't made
an appointment. Her legs were badly ulcerated and I set about dressing
them for her. A &;amp; E came in (her son and daughter-in-law.) They
said that we had no right to be there and they didn't want us ever
going to the house again. I turned to Marian waiting for her to leap to
our defence and say that we were family too, but she didn't. She just
closed her eyes as though we weren't there.

It sounds so feeble written down. But it was a horrible dream. I miss
Marian so much. The 'break-up' with A&;amp;E is obviously playing on
my mind. Marian's dying wish was that they'd always keep in contact
with Marty and keep him as part of their family. They managed it for a
whole year. Marian cared about Marty as much as she cared about her own
sons. She was the best nanna he could ever have had and she always just
accepted me and anything I told her. If I did something stupid or
wrong, she was the first person I'd tell and she'd say, "Su-su this is
what you need to do to make it right." I blame myself partly for her
death. If I'd been more vigilant and less wrapped up in my stupid book,
I'd have made sure she went for her tests. I wouldn't just have taken
her word for it that she'd been. I blame her for dying too. It could
have been prevented if she hadn't been so damned lazy.

I haven't truly loved many people in my life, but I loved her.

A&;amp;E kept in touch for awhile as Marian asked but then the calls
became fewer. Over the last twelve months, the only contact we've had
is when first both of us and latterly Marty, has called them. Every
single time he's rung them lately, they've fobbed him off. They've just
been about to eat or are just leaving the house. They always promise to
ring him back but never do. He wanted to ring them yesterday. I've
never stopped him because they are his family, not blood, but family
all the same. I suggested that he didn't ring because they have no time
for us anymore. He sat and thought about it for a minute with a sad
expression and then he said, "Really Mum, we've only got each other in
all the world haven't we?" I told him we've got Col too, when he's not
off in one of his strops. He asked me if Nanna would have been his
nanna for all his life if she hadn't died. And I told him that she *is*
his nanna for all his life and nothing can change that.

I think that's the first time that Marty has realised that, for all the
family we've got dotted about, when it comes down to it, the only
family we REALLY have are the three of us and sometimes even that drops
to two.

It's made me 'define' the word family. I know what it means now. It has
got nothing to do with blood or genetics. Marian didn't share blood
with either of us. Family is a person who loves you unconditionally and
whose door is open to you at any time day or night.

I went for a drive one night when I was with Tom. It was one o clock in
the morning and he'd just come in stinking of another woman's perfume
and telling me that he'd been unfaithful again. I was at an
unbelievable low point Marty was out for the night. Tom was drunk and I
needed to think about whether that was the night I was finally going to
ask him to leave and mean it. Throwing him out high on temper was easy.
Keeping him out was a whole different situation. I desperately wanted
someone who cares about me to talk to. I turned my car in the direction
of Morecambe and headed for Marian's. She'd only died a few months
earlier, but she was the person I always went to when I was in trouble.
It didn't matter a bit that I wouldn't arrive until after two am. We'd
sit on her bed and she'd tell me what a fool I am and to get rid of the
no good creep. I'd driven about half a mile when I realised that
A&;amp;E wouldn't want me. I can't talk to Col at one o clock in the
morning. Leah wouldn't thank me for turning up there. Even Adam had to
be up for work the next day and he's not someone I could talk about my
problems with anyway. I could possibly have gone to Kez but I didn't
know if G would be home and if he was, then that was a no no. I turned
the car around and made my way towards Barrow. If G's car was home, I'd
think again when I got there. It was. That left me stumped so I drove
to the nearest lay-by and just sat. I think that was a defining moment
for me. I realised that night that when I most need, 'family' I have no
one. Marty hit the same realisation yesterday I think. He has me of
course, and Col sometimes. I felt sorry for him.

We had a great night on Friday. Rick came through and we went to
Barrow. I wasn't sure what he'd think of the places I go to. My
favourite pub is a bit of a dive full of people without much going for
them. But it is friendly, nobody bothers you and the natives don't
bite. There are plenty of 'classier' places to go in Barrow, but I
always feel a bit intimidated in them. The people seem very predatory
and unfriendly. So, we went to the Palace. DJ put my name on the
karaoke board as soon as we sat down. I was going to take it off but
then figured that that is what I'd have done if I hadn't been out with
Rick, so, I let it stay. Hadn't a clue what I was singing, nor what key
to aim for but the competition wasn't exactly rocking and I thought,
'to hell with it,' and gave it a shot stone cold sober. I didn't dare
look at Rick, but, he didn't run out of the pub screaming.

I have learned to overcome bubbles. Bubbles, I have found, only have a
short 'tormention' span. That is, they only have the power to torment
me for a limited amount of time .. or perhaps more likely, until they
become sodden with vodka. Because I don't like orange with voddie, I
decided to go with coke. Or the pub's on-tap watered down version. The
first one wasn't good. It stuck all the way down and made me want to
burp, which Of course I couldn't do for two reasons. One being that I'm
a la-dy the other, I was with Rick. The second voddie and coke stuck a
little bit. The third sailed down like a tortured soul on the river
Styx, after that there as no problem.

Rick met our Lisa. Now if anything was ever going to put a man off, it
would be her. If anything she can be even more daft than me, though I'm
more unpredictable. Lisa is a creature of steadfast habit. She goes out
seven nights a week, gets pissed and acts silly. But she is funny. I
felt sorry for her. Jonny (you remember Jonny dear dairy, I was telling
you about him the other week) has dumped her. She was trying hard to
get someone else's interest on Friday but he wasn't interested. She's a
lovely lass, she's bags of fun, but she spoils herself by being a
little bit too, 'available'.

I think Rick was a bit surprised by the level of friendliness in
Barrow. The pub we saw Lisa in isn't one I usually go in very often.
But it was just round the corner from the Palace so it seemed a logical
choice when you've got sore feet and unco-operative heels. I heard Lisa
before I saw her. We chatted for a couple of seconds and I asked if we
could join her.

We plonked ourselves down and got chatting to half a dozen people or
so. At the end of the night the Landlord (presumably) asked us if we
wanted to stay for a lock-in and a game of cards. I was quite keen to
go to Scorpio's but wasn't sure what Rick wanted to do. Eventually we
went to Scorp's with Lisa and a bloke.

The next day Rick commented about how friendly my mates were. I told
him I didn't know them from Adam. Lisa was the only person in there
that I knew. He said he'd enjoyed himself, so he'll do for me! Oh, and
let it be noted here that *I* wasn't the one doing the pole dancing,
well to be more precise railing dancing. I was a good gel and was on my
bestest behaviour it was my mad boyfriend and even madder cousin who
were doing the railing dancing, while I sat primly on being demure
;-)

But then, I wasn't the one with the hangover the next morning either
;-) It was nice to have someone to dance with.

Been to another family ordeal today. Had a whole stack of family
birthdays this week. Yesterday I had to take Marty to a bowling party
and today we were invited out for a family meal at our Denise and
Stu's. It was so nice of them to invite us. We have never really been
invited to the 'inner sanctum' before. Every Sunday, my brother's
family rotate between Tommy (brother), Kez (niece) and Stu's (nephew)
houses. I didn't feel that I could say no, but it was, as usual,
uncomfortable. Now I'm in a bit of a quandary. Was it a one off? (I
hope so) or are we in the circle? If we're in then I'm going to have to
host my turn. Which doesn't bother me in the slightest. But! I know for
a fact my brother would rather eat puke than come here. I'm not
particularly patient with screaming babies and my Nephew has three of
them, plus Kez's two older ones. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but
I like my Sunday's and it's really not something I want to get into
doing. I had to miss Eastenders. Let me make the distinction here, Rick
is well worth missing EE for, no hesitation. My family are not! I felt
that I'd been invited under sufferance and that we weren't *really*
welcome even though Stu and Denise put themselves out to make us feel
welcome.

It was good in one respect though. I managed to eat a proper meal, in a
social environment and it was okay. I think I'm probably ready to try a
restaurant now. It's something I haven't dared do yet. I had one
potato, a Yorkshire pud, a spoonful of carrot and swede, a spoonful of
onion sauce and gravy. I even had a tiny bit of beef, but I struggled
with that a bit. In a situation where there's lots of table
conversation and it doesn't look so stupid when I lay my cutlery down
every few minutes. It's okay. The worst thing I could do though is try
and rush. I'm supposed to have one mouthful every five minutes. I've
improved on that to being able to safely (usually) manage three very
small mouthfuls before I have to rest. It took me about an hour to eat
it, maybe even slightly less which wouldn't be too bad if other people
were having big meals. The meal was beautifully cooked. I took my time,
didn't feel awkward and didn't feel sick at all because I took it
slowly. But, the chocolate and whiskey cake was too good to say no to.
I had two little spoonfuls of that and felt a bit iffy for ten minutes.
It was way too rich for me. I was okay though, just sat quietly and
pretended to watch a nature program with my brother. It passed in about
ten minutes and nobody even knew that I didn't feel good.

I tried to strike up a conversation with Tommy three times and he made
it very obvious that he didn't want to talk to me. So sod him. He
insulted Marty by calling him dumb. He asked Marty something. Marty
didn't hear him, so he repeated it in a very exaggerated tone. Marty
felt intimidated and went very red. He smiled at Tommy but still didn't
really answer him. I can't even remember what the question was. Have
you seen this film? I think. He'd already embarrassed the lad but he
had to shout across the room at him, "A-R-E Y-O-U D-U-M-B?" I should
have used humour to diffuse the situation I suppose, but he rattled me.
When I went to his house he refused to talk to me and sloped off to bed
without a word. Today he didn't come to the table to eat with the rest
of us and sat in the lounge. I found him rude and irritating. So I came
across as the affronted mother and said, "He's not dumb actually. He's
one of the brightest kids in his year at school."

He would love for Marty to be really thick. That would be one more
thing that I had failed at. Marty is intimidated by him. Because he's
clumsy and graceless, he can seem a bit heavy in his mind when he feels
awkward. But, that isn't the case at all, he's in the top sets for
everything at school (although he's disruptive and doesn't always apply
himself) He has a quiet but keen intelligence that he sometimes chooses
to hide from people. I was hoping the line dancing might teach him some
grace and co-ordination but he's growing tired of it. Tommy
underestimates Marty because he expects him to be stupid like me. If
he'd just taken the time to talk to him, instead of humiliating him in
front of all of his cousin's, he'd have seen differently.

I was a bit irritated yesterday. Kez has obviously told Denise about
Rick. When we went bowling the first thing Denise said was, "Where's
the new bloke then?" Again today, she rang up to invite us to dinner
and asked if Rick was coming. When I said no, she asked if we'd fallen
out already. Again it's as though I'm automatically expected to fail at
everything. Christ, I've only been seeing him a couple of weeks and I'm
expected to be attached to him 24/7. I don't want to be with him all
the time. I quite like my uncomplicated life and I'm not sure if I want
anything to change. After saying that, I hate it when he leaves. It
always seems as though he's only just got here when he has to go. I
suppose I'd like to see more of him than I do now, but still keep my
own identity and not be seen as an extension of someone else.

He was in a pensive mood today. He said himself that he was being odd.
He was talking about the future and worrying. I'm looking as far as
next week and that's enough for me. He spent the day today with his
first wife. They had to buy clothes for Bill. He felt that he had to
justify that to me. The only problem I had with it was that I'd rather
he'd been able to spend the day with me than with his ex wife. I trust
him. I believe what he says. No problem. He asked me if I was upset
with him. I'm not.

His first wife told him to make sure that his current wife doesn't find
out about us. He said that he told C (first wife) about us, but I don't
know which version, the just good friends' version or the something
more version. I can understand where he's coming from. From what I can
gather V (second wife) can use their daughter against him when she's
got a mind to. They are still married and C reckons that V will play
dirty re the settlement if she knows there's another woman involved.
They still have all the financial stuff to sort out yet. So I can
totally understand where Rick is coming from, but I feel like a dirty
secret. The best thing I can do is just be patient with him and give
him the time he needs. This is what I said I'd do in the beginning and
I'm not going to go back on that. If it's meant to be for us, then,
when he's ready he'll tell people about us. It's easy for me because
although I've got past coming out of my ears, none of it is current
past. I'm an uncomplicated soul bless me. I'd hate for him to tell
people about me, and for it to make things difficult for him with his
daughter or his finances. He'd possibly come to resent me and I don't
want that.

He did sort of mention that he'd be getting a divorce when the two
years is up. I'm glad about that. I don't like being with a married
man, even if it is just on paper.

Stormy waters in paradise? Who knows. I know that for now I'm happy and
he says he is too. If it's strong it will weather them and if it isn't,
it won't. We'll just have to see.