An interview with a thief

An Interview with a Professional Thief

Simon (not his real name) is 5'8" , wearing a baseball cap and carrying
a large plastic bag full of stolen Body Shop products. I was in
introduced to him because it was thought I might buy something from
him, but when I didn't and asked for an interview instead, he was
pleased enough to talk. Only 26, signs of a difficult life show in the
scabs he has on his forehead and the tough look he has in his eyes. His
face is like a ferrit's and with his head constantly jerking around for
any sign of police or opportunity, it is clear that he is indeed very
good at his job.

Interviewer: What's your name?

Simon: Which one d'ya want?
White, Simon White, but that's not gonna get printed is it?

Interviewer: No. Which names have you used?

Simon: Too many.

Inbterviewer: What's your favourite?

Simon: Kevin White.

Interviewer: I'll put you under Kevin White.

Simon: Alright then.

Interviewer: So if I just give you a theme for a story, um, perhaps you
might have a story about&;#8230;

Simon: Getting nicked! (laugh)

Interviewer: Go on, give us a story about being nicked.

Simon: Oh I don't know now, you've caught me there.
Oh I can't talk, it's awkward.

Interviewer: Okay, so tell me about being on holiday

Simon: Yeh. I got stoned out my face and went to Amsterdam sixteen
times and just got wrecked&;#8230; everytime (laugh).

Interviewer: Anything happen to you while you were there?

Simon: Yeh, I ran out of money.

Interviewer: What did you do when you ran out of money?

Simon: Went shoppin'

Interviewer: What did you get?

Simon: More stuff like this (Shows stolen contents of plastic bag and
laughs).

Interviewer: Tell me about a job you've done, or have you never
worked?

Simon: Well I have, but not on the cards (another laugh).

Interviewer: Tell me about somewhere you've worked.

Simon: Brighton, as a painter and decorator, and I was always late
because I was pissed (laugh). I was&;#8230;. always late.
Doing up some geezer's place, it was a bit messy but he was paying me
?100 a day so I didn't care&;#8230;. He was a muppet.

Interviewer: Are you a good painter and decorator?

Simon: Yeh&;#8230; I'm a better shop- lifter though! (laugh)

Interviewer: What's the craziest thing you've ever lifted?

Simon: Two Hoovers. I went to Argos and they were in the shop window
and I thought, 'Yeh, they'll do'.

Interviewer: You just picked them up and walked out the shop?

Simon: Yeh! (laugh)

Interviewer: You must have looked round beforehand though?

Simon: No 'coz that makes you look hot. Normal shoppers don't go into
shops and start lookin' round.

Interviewer: What did you do then?

Simon: I sold them for ?30 each and went ravin'!

Interviewer: Who did you sell them to?

Simon: Oh, some slappers down the road.
Interviewer: Did you just stand there on the street with the
Hoovers?

Simon: Na na na, I know a load of slappers down the road, prostitutes,
and they buy all the stuff.

Interviewer: For their homes?

Simon: I don't know. Maybe they just like me coming round.

Interviewer: You must have looked quite funny walking down the street,
did you get any funny looks?

Simon: No. My mate tried to nick one and he got caught. He come runnin'
out the shop and the police were standin' there searchin'
someone.

Interviewer: They didn't need to search him though.

Simon: (in disbelief) No, they let him go! The bloke came out the shop
and went, "Here y'are, I'll have that back". Took it off him and the
police just stood there, going in to see the shop, and he just walked
off.