Angus Theodore Haskavar; the greatest salesman ever

They’re the latest thing, but they’re based on an ancient Chinese medicine.

They’re called Concept Capsules, you can take them for pretty much anything.

Say you’ve got a peanut allergy, for example, you just take a couple of the capsules with the concept ‘I’m not allergic to peanuts’. It's that simple, but it really works, they’ve changed my life entirely. I’m no longer lactose intolerant and my wheat allergy’s almost cleared up as well.

And there’s no risk of dangerous side-effects, as there’s no active ingredient so they can’t do any damage to your body.

Of course there‘s nothing in the box, actual physical capsules would be dangerous, like the nasty placebos the pharma industry churns out. It's full of concepts, that's all, the most natural cure you can think of.

It is not a waste of money. That box was just £25 and it contains 125 of the finest concepts, enough for four months. Much better value than western medicine.

It’s not just an empty box. You’re too cynical, you’ve been programmed by the pharma money machine. What you need is a concept capsule to clear your mind.

xxxx

Sue’s gonnna kill me. 275 quid. She’s gonna be all “you should talk to me before making major purchases“.

Who am I kidding. She’s not gonna bother saying anything reasoned like that, she’ll just yell at me. “Why’ve you bought a fucking tiger?” she’ll say.

It's not a tiger, I'll say, it's just a tiger cub. Completely different.

Maybe I just won’t tell her, hide it under the bed or something. No, that won’t work, she’s bound to notice a tiger in the bedroom. She'd only complain I hadn't told her.

‘It’s an investment‘, that’s what the bloke said, ‘it’ll grow and grow’.

Yeah, into a fuckin’ full-sized tiger. How the fuck are we gonna share a two-bed flat with a tiger?

I tried to take it back, but the bloke just laughed at me, reminded me that I’d signed a ‘responsibility commitment’, I’m legally liable for the tiger now whatever happens. I can't just drop it off at the cat's home, the RSPCA are monitoring me.

Christ I’m a stupid cunt sometimes, the bloody salesman played me for a right sucker. What do I want with a fuckin’ tiger?

Still, it is cool though. I’m gonna be the only guy in the whole town with his own tiger. And it’s better than a guard dog, any burglar will just shit himself at the sight of it. And I bet the ladies will love it. Except for Sue that is. I’m betting she won’t love it at all.

xxxx

Nick Clegg!

I voted for Nick fuckin’ Clegg.

‘Vote for change’ the bloke at the door said to me.

And what did I fuckin’ do?

I voted for Nick fuckin’ Clegg.

Nick fuckin’ Clegg.

Nick fuckin’ Clegg.

I won’t bother voting next time.